Clarity

On my journey of becoming more self aware I have been learning some very valuable things about myself.  

I have my defenses up.  A lot.  

I've been told by many people that I don't let people in easily.   

I recently pushed a really great guy away, and all of this has become really clear to me.

I suddenly saw myself pushing; but not until after the  fact.  However, I see it now, and that's what counts.  

I day dream a lot, I've noticed lately. 

Perhaps this was an escape I picked up in my childhood.
It's another way to push things away.

I'm going to be more intentional about living in the present.

All these years I've heard people speak to me of "letting people in," and it finally makes sense to me.  

I suppose instead of having boundaries up to keep out the people I don't want in, I've built walls to keep everyone out.

It's an illusion of safety.

In the end, I'm less happy with myself for not taking risks.

That's an understatement actually.

I kick my own ass pretty hard for not taking those risks.  

I've been so tired.  

From all of this defensiveness.

This last year has been a battle of me trying to figure out where the weariness was coming from.

Fighting it.

And now I see it for what it is.

But I'm a quick learner.

And I'm incredibly persistent.

When I set my mind to something, I see it through.

When there's something I really want, I accomplish it.

I desire healing.

I want to live without regrets.

I want to love and be loved.

I'm going to take down this wall.

I want no stones left standing.
Truth and wisdom hide in  our suffering.
We must enter through the wounds to find them.