"The best teacher is experience, and not from someone else's distorted point of view."
~Jack Kerouac~
Tonight I met with a friend who is going through a time in his life. He liked Tyler Lee's idea of naming blog characters to add some color to the story. He mentioned choosing a name, but we never got around to speaking of it again, so I am going to choose one for him that I feel is relevant. I'm going to call him Caedmon. The name has a Celtic origin meaning "wise warrior," and it just fits....
Dear Caedmon,
I drove home from our meet up tonight light hearted, and yet still swirling with intense emotions. I put in my old fall back cd for times of contemplation; The Reckoning by NeedToBreathe. My heart aches for you. We all find ourselves in life facing crossroads; in this we are not alone. However these intersections don't always look the same, and our intersection will undoubtedly look different from those of others. No matter the difference of appearances, or the path we traveled to get there, in the right company we can find solace in relating our experiences.
One thing I have discovered about life is that it sometimes throws things our way that seem entirely out of our control. Then there are those obstacles we find ourselves facing that we have brought on ourselves. Once there though it often feels that the only way out is the same; surrender. Whether we have come to this place by our own hand or not, we feel a need for redemption. Parts of us might cry out to be noticed, while others yet beg to remain in hiding.
Self reflection can be a joy and it can also be a bitch. When I entered into the counseling program for my masters, I was well aware that I would need to face myself to make it through. Like many things in life, I believed I had it in me to conquer. I still believe this, yet I have been reminded that I cannot conquer on my own. Even a warrior would be a fool to fight his battles alone. In my counseling program we were constantly told that we would have to deal with our own "stuff" in order to truly be an effective counselor. I withdrew from the program last May knowing that I had stuff to deal with. Granted, I could have stuck it out and obtained a certificate I'm sure. However, some of us are just not built like that. Some of us feel a burning inside telling us the truth is comprised of much more than just a certificate.
I withdrew because I knew I wasn't seeing the whole picture. I was still caught in a web of the past, carrying with me the weight of yesterdays. My unwillingness to let go felt involuntary. I knew what I wanted, yet my eyes kept shifting to look behind me, no matter how hard I tried to look forward. I wish I could give you a magic formula for working through this time in your life, but the truth is that I am still in the midst of that discovery myself. I certainly don't feel confident giving answers to questions I am still wrestling with myself.
What I do know is this....
You are an amazing person. You have more character than so many people I have met in my life. Sometimes in our pain we want to lash out at a world that creates victims. Truth tell us to fight back, and temptation calls us to start fights. We hear the wars waging within us and suddenly the truth seems so obscure. It's the gentle whisper drowned out by cries of pain.
Hold on dear friend. Your name says it all: You are a wise warrior. In the midst of battle you might find yourself shrouded in doubts. Where will you go to shed them? Do you have a place to lay them down? At the feet of Jesus? On the shoulders of friends? In the quiet of the woods? Your wisdom and courage have not been stolen; they just need to be dusted off. Just like shelves full of books we cherish, the dust keeps collecting, requiring us to continually be aware of the need for more housekeeping.
As I sit here and write I wish I could offer you one more hug tonight. But alas, all the hugs in the world won't take away your pain. Take heart, dear friend; your story is not over yet. You have so many more chapters to write. Although we cannot determine how our stories will go, we are so fortunate to own the ability to choose to allow light to live with the darkness. On your search for truth, let the light grow and pour even into the shadows left by the darkness; this is our hope.
I'll leave you with this song, in hopes that it will encourage you the way it has encouraged me....
Love,
Betty
"Grace she comes with a heavy load
Memories they can't be erased
Like a pill I swallow that makes me well
It leaves an awful taste"
~Bo Rinehart~
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