Bad Habits: Day One

10/19/2012

I decided if I baked myself into a frenzy of scones, bread, and muffins, that I would surely forget that I had been a smoker for 15 years of my life.  Until today.  Oh self-deception!  You've fooled me again.  5pm rolls in and I'm taking a break from baking to think about dinner.  Juliet has already asked me at least five times what we are having.  I keep telling her I'll decide soon.  My son started doing something in the kitchen.  I can't remember what it was.  I just know it was annoying the hell out of me.  I turned to my daughter and exclaimed, "I'm about to go buy a dang pack of cigarettes and forget this whole idea until tomorrow when your brother is at his dad's!"

She looks at me and very cooly says, "Ok.  Go buy them then."  I'm shocked!  No support?  No, encouragement?  I tell her this and she says, "Why does it matter?  You won't listen to me anyways.  If you want to smoke you're going to smoke."  At this I'm feeling a bit humbled; but still in the throes of cravings.  Then as she scoots by she politely says, "Excuse me.....non-smoker."

Internally I'm groaning.  No, maybe I really groaned.  This day is so hazy.....

I finally make a decision and tell her to put in frozen pizza and that I'm going on a bike ride.  I go to my room to get changed.  Ten minutes later I'm still sitting there on the edge of my bed thinking about what I'm going to do.  Maybe I'll run?  No, no, my knee will start to bother me.  Maybe I'll ride the off road here in town.  No, I won't have enough time before dark.  Besides, I don't want to be worn out for a ride tomorrow.  I'll ride in town.  No.  I'll run.  That's when I realized I was going to have to will myself forward, sticking with the original plan; the bike.

I start getting dressed and I'm thinking about the weather.  I want to wear the right attire.  I could wear base layers.  No, it's not cold enough yet for base layers.  Well, maybe it is.   Maybe just on my legs.  Then a long sleeved running shirt.  I could wear my running jacket?  No, not bright enough.  Wait, do I have brighter shorts I could wear?  It is getting darker out.....

Enters:  Romeo

"Mom, what are you doing?"  

"Going on a bike ride, why?"

"No! I want to go on a bike ride too!"

"What!  It's too cold for you on the bike.  You just want to be with mom, don't you?"

I looked back at my day and realized I had been baking since before noon today.  Yeah, he just wants my attention.  He nods his head in agreement, and I give him a big hug.  Little does he know he swiftly walked in and made my decision for me.  I had been struggling to make the simplest of decisions for the last hour!  Suddenly I was relieved, and as I felt my anxiety slipping away  I smiled.  I was already writing tonight's blog.....