Ego Boost

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

~Eleanor Roosevelt~

I rode the trails again tonight.  I had to.  After yesterday's ride I sought after redemption.  Yesterday I drove about an hour away to ride one of my wishlisted trails with a friend.  I've been talking to this guy for about 3 months now via messages, but we had never met in person before.  It was a fantastic meet-up. The plan was a great one, but we all know how plans go.  The ride started out great.  The trail was almost entirely made up of smooth single track; at least the part of the trail I got to see.  There were many switchbacks, and a lot of elevation.  I'm not sure how far we were into the ride, but it wasn't that far I don't think.  We were crossing a shallow ravine where large flat rocks were lain across like a bridge.  The ground was covered in leaves.  I don't know exactly where I went wrong, I just know it seemed such a silly place to fall.  My tire seemed to slip and I had an "oh shit" feeling, and then instantaneously the left side of my head was slamming down on a rock.  

I see it in my mind now like a movie.  You know the scenes where the guy gets knocked out by someone and the camera jumps to the floor and you see the guy's face in slow motion.  My helmet hit first I think.  Then my face; my left cheekbone and the bone right next to the eye.  I was so embarrassed.  Here I am meeting this guy for the first time, thinking I'm going to rock these trails.  

So I'm sitting there on my ass holding my face and moaning I think.  My foot was tangled in my bike.  I was mortified.  My face hurt!  Now that I think about it, I think everything hurt.  I just ached.  I've crashed before, but never so fast I couldn't put my hands out to break my fall to some extent.  The knuckles on the back of my left hand suggest maybe I was going to, but it didn't happen.  

The rest of yesterday is mostly clear, but somewhat hazy.  I was alright, even took my daughter camping.  Just felt a lot more forgetful, and I had a lot more blonde moments than usual.  Camping was the perfect prescription though, for both of us.  Juliet and I had never camped without Romeo before.  The lake was deserted, so we felt like we had the whole place to ourselves.  The weather was heavenly and the stars shone brightly most of the night.

Alright, so I caved last night and bought a pack of cigarettes on the way to the lake.  I only smoked one though!  Today I smoked 4.  I'd like to say it's alright, I got this, I'm not going to buy another pack.  And right now I do feel that way.  Then I wonder if that's denial talking.  Ah, shit.  The trail was good to me today though.  I think I was more bold today since I am more familiar with this trail, and it was covered in leaves.  I soared through many places where I would have gone slower I'm sure, had I been able to see all the rocks and roots better.  I'm glad I couldn't.  I held my own well.  It felt so damn good by the finish.  I surprise myself somedays on the trails with the passion and persistence I put into the ride.  Those are the days I feel mighty by the time I ride off the trail; inspired to take on every challenge life throws my way.  I think it was also the fact that I haven't really smoked....hardly....for 4 days!  

I'm still going to call it day 4 for now...I haven't given up yet.  I'm going to try to hold onto those feelings I have on the trails.  I'll dream about how much more invigorating the whole thing will be when my lungs can take even more.  I keep trying to remind myself that I don't need to fight with me; this is what I want for myself.