Change is on the Horizon.....

"We write to taste life twice."

~Anais Ninn~

Once again I’ve been walking through a spell where I sit almost daily writing, and yet the words feel forced or insincere.  There always comes a time when the words feel ready to spill from my fingertips; painting a story with clarity.  All the other words remain in my notes or journal while my heart strives to make sense of feelings, experiences, and needs.  Today I have shifted between feelings of empowerment to feelings of insecurity, while wading through many other feelings along the way.

I’ve been keenly aware of myself today.  Repeatedly I have felt my eyes opening wider to view my world from a more reflective perspective.  By nightfall I had heard the last of selfish protests from children.  Not because they wanted to stop, but because my ability to sacrifice had run dry; save a real need to sacrifice.  In short; my patience had run thin.  I found myself driving home from an outing with my children realizing that it’s no wonder I often come to a place where I want to push the world back and slip away into solitude for a while.  My son goes to his father’s house one or two nights every weekend, and my daughter is only absent while she’s in school.  Needless to say, I am never without at least one child unless I leave my daughter home alone when my son is gone.  Or if I stay up late after the children go to bed.  I practice the latter more frequently, and I pay for it dearly the next day. 

All of this has left me pondering a get-away tonight.  Not a an actual get-away for the night, but at least a few days in the near future alone in an environment where no one looks to me to have his or her needs met.  I’m going to have to do some brainstorming and researching, because it’s getting a bit cold for camping.  I may say to hell with it and go for it anyways. 

Unfortunately, funds are currently sparse for such a weekend.  However, the pressing internal need for some personal time will soon make way for some creativity in orchestrating said get-away. 

I’ve been riding off-roads on my bike at least several times a week.  Praise God I’ve found this outlet.  I ride away from the trails feeling grounded, full of life, and inspired to embrace life.  I’ll definitely need to find other outlets to fill winter days when getting out on my bike is not an option. 

I look forward to the trail rides more and more with each experience.  I’m growing more confident on the trails, tackling more runs than ever, rarely ever putting my feet down, and falling even less frequently.  So it is in my life; continually becoming more aware of how the ride parallels the pursuit of life. 

A friend that I met on my road trip (the one that just so happens to live about an hour from me) contacted me this last weekend and we went out on a 9 mile trail together.  Spending time with him again I felt cheerful to be in his presence.  The stories he shares suggest he lives a life of simplicity I long for.  I admire the way he walks through life intentionally; and makes it look so simple.  Some people you meet and you just know that having them as a friend will encourage you to be a better person.  He is definitely one of those people.

Here I am again; spent, and feeling as if my cup of words has begun to run dry.  I feel a peace after spelling out my story, yet there are always more words spinning inside, waiting for a different place in time when they will settle into a legible format in my mind.