"More times than not the ones you love are who you let down.
We're chasing something big, our parents never tracked down.
The hardest part is looking back and making sense of
the humble tries and troubled times of where we came from."
~Bo Rinehart~
The compassion in my heart for my friend Caedmon yesterday left no room for my own introspection. Today self reflection led my every thought. I saw myself riding fences in many places in my life. I became aware of some of my own self-deception. I contemplated what and who I run from and who and what I run to. Moment after moment of clarity. By nightfall I found myself sliding down to the floor, back against the kitchen cabinets, and tears spilling off my cheeks. Just when I would think the well was drying up another visual would drift through my mind, and I would experience another holy shit moment.
We are masters of disguise; giving ourselves a myriad of reasons for the things we do. We take the truth and tuck it away. We compartmentalize; in hopes that we will avoid the pain. We ache for more, and deny ourselves the very opportunity for more to exist.
When I try to stare truth in the face my chest begins to tighten. My breathing begins to feel restricted before I will admit there is a piece of me demanding to be set free. How often do I play the victim, yet hope for so much more? How much strain do we put on our own hearts while we mutter excuses to ourselves?
Friends who know me well know that I slip away when heavy reflection sets in. I retreat to my corner, craving solitude and peace. All the while they are only a phone call or a car ride away. I ache with loneliness, but feel determined to get through it on my own. My own way is often sloppy because of the weight I carry on my back. I can speak so easily of the light when it is shining, yet I grope for it when things turn dark.
My growing character says fence riding doesn't fit the lifestyle I seek. The very thought of climbing down from the fence sends shivers down my spine. False security is slipping away though, no matter how tightly I grasp for it. Which direction do you go when your eyes have been opened? The only logical answer is forward motion....even when it feels like it's just going through the motions.
2 comments:
Two souls on separate journeys that pass in the night will proceed without change on their current trajectory... unless by chance, a connection, a bond, a chemistry, pulls those two souls together and they pause their journey to discover the meaning of that bond. As for that pause, I'm grateful that we had a moment, alas a fleeting moment, to explore the forces of nature that pulled us together. That night of exploration was like the peeling off of a Band-Aid of a wound not quite heeled. But for me, it was a wound that just needed the air in which you breathed to set it on a path of healing. That night found two vulnerable individuals, on a mission of self reflection and a desire of a greater understanding of the world we live and our place, so seemingly randomly placed, atop of that world. Your willingness to be vulnerable to me, has provided a fuel to the flame of hope that has been flickering for so long in my life. I will never know the cost of that night to you, I just hope that you take solace in your goodness and the truth that you desire/deserve will be revealed in time. Push forward Betty, because of your goodness, past, pain, vulnerability, and ultimately wisdom, there's one more soul on your side wishing, hoping, longing, for your happiness.
~With much gratitude, Caedmon
Caedmon, we are kindred spirits. And my cost is the same as yours. Growing pains; painful, yet necessary for the growth and truth we seek. Beauty from pain. Realization of our true value. And a reminder that the truth will set us free....I have nothing but admiration and gratefullness for you. You are a dear friend. Always and forever.
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