Accountability

I don't generally watch television.  I haven't had cable in 12 years, and I've never missed it.  Last year after Christmas I decided to sign up for Netflix since santa brought the kids a Wii.  Months later I found myself in a mood one night and decided to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy.  It only seemed right to watch the first episode of season one.  One show, and I was hooked.  It took four weeks for me to marathon through 7 seasons.  Then a couple months ago I found out the eighth season had been released on Netflix.  I think I finished the season in a week. 

 

All this to say that tonight I was watching the latest episode after I discovered last week that I can watch the current episodes on ABC.com after they have aired on television on Thursday nights.    When you watch current episodes on ABC, they play 90 seconds of commercials at the breaks.  Unfortunately, they play the same commercials at every break.  The repetition only serves to drive home a message in me that the advertiser never intended with their marketing scheme.  I begin to look past the humor and see the poor influence companies push on consumers.  I was reminded that I live in a world where I can't turn my head without some marketing campaign trying to convince me of one more thing I need; no matter the cost.  

The show began closing with a song by Birdy that's sure to set the mood for the scene, whether a person realizes that's what's happening or not.  Then it closes with a song I had to look up.  At first I assumed it was Florence and the Machine, but after some research discovered the song was Home, by Daughter.  Never heard of this band before, but the song was an excellent choice.  Whoever is in charge of selecting music for that show does an excellent job of it in my opinion.  The song led right into the closing words;

"Because when you know who you are, it's easier to know what you're about; and ultimately, what you really need."

If the music hadn't already worked its magic on me, the closing statement did.  I began to think of the woods; camping, hiking, bike riding.  A place I go where I feel like I know who I really am.  Then visions of time spent with my kids laughing and carrying on passed through my mind.  Suddenly I was struck with the idea that submersing yourself in those things that fill you with that passion and love will lead you to more confidently know who you are.  It seems such a simple concept; one I've heard a hundred times or more I'm certain.  And yet tonight, it struck a new chord.  Tonight I also saw room in my life for more of those things.  I visualized a life pursuing those things I am passionate about, and walking away from those things holding me back.  It can be such a great challenge to pursue who we really are when we live in a world where so many people want to tell us who we should be and what we should desire.  I can't see myself ever growing tired of reflecting on who I truly am in the midst of all the noise.

We Are Afraid

We are afraid to love

Because truly loving means embracing the good and the bad

That kind of embrace hurts

So we run

To things

From things

Some days we stand our ground, realizing our worth

Other days we falter, overwhelmed by our weaknesses

What do we lose?

How much of our selves do we give away?

How do we teach this to our children?

While we struggle with it ourselves

I hope for something much bigger than myself

Faith breaks away my restraints

While I wrestle to understand free will

Ego Boost

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

~Eleanor Roosevelt~

I rode the trails again tonight.  I had to.  After yesterday's ride I sought after redemption.  Yesterday I drove about an hour away to ride one of my wishlisted trails with a friend.  I've been talking to this guy for about 3 months now via messages, but we had never met in person before.  It was a fantastic meet-up. The plan was a great one, but we all know how plans go.  The ride started out great.  The trail was almost entirely made up of smooth single track; at least the part of the trail I got to see.  There were many switchbacks, and a lot of elevation.  I'm not sure how far we were into the ride, but it wasn't that far I don't think.  We were crossing a shallow ravine where large flat rocks were lain across like a bridge.  The ground was covered in leaves.  I don't know exactly where I went wrong, I just know it seemed such a silly place to fall.  My tire seemed to slip and I had an "oh shit" feeling, and then instantaneously the left side of my head was slamming down on a rock.  

I see it in my mind now like a movie.  You know the scenes where the guy gets knocked out by someone and the camera jumps to the floor and you see the guy's face in slow motion.  My helmet hit first I think.  Then my face; my left cheekbone and the bone right next to the eye.  I was so embarrassed.  Here I am meeting this guy for the first time, thinking I'm going to rock these trails.  

So I'm sitting there on my ass holding my face and moaning I think.  My foot was tangled in my bike.  I was mortified.  My face hurt!  Now that I think about it, I think everything hurt.  I just ached.  I've crashed before, but never so fast I couldn't put my hands out to break my fall to some extent.  The knuckles on the back of my left hand suggest maybe I was going to, but it didn't happen.  

The rest of yesterday is mostly clear, but somewhat hazy.  I was alright, even took my daughter camping.  Just felt a lot more forgetful, and I had a lot more blonde moments than usual.  Camping was the perfect prescription though, for both of us.  Juliet and I had never camped without Romeo before.  The lake was deserted, so we felt like we had the whole place to ourselves.  The weather was heavenly and the stars shone brightly most of the night.

Alright, so I caved last night and bought a pack of cigarettes on the way to the lake.  I only smoked one though!  Today I smoked 4.  I'd like to say it's alright, I got this, I'm not going to buy another pack.  And right now I do feel that way.  Then I wonder if that's denial talking.  Ah, shit.  The trail was good to me today though.  I think I was more bold today since I am more familiar with this trail, and it was covered in leaves.  I soared through many places where I would have gone slower I'm sure, had I been able to see all the rocks and roots better.  I'm glad I couldn't.  I held my own well.  It felt so damn good by the finish.  I surprise myself somedays on the trails with the passion and persistence I put into the ride.  Those are the days I feel mighty by the time I ride off the trail; inspired to take on every challenge life throws my way.  I think it was also the fact that I haven't really smoked....hardly....for 4 days!  

I'm still going to call it day 4 for now...I haven't given up yet.  I'm going to try to hold onto those feelings I have on the trails.  I'll dream about how much more invigorating the whole thing will be when my lungs can take even more.  I keep trying to remind myself that I don't need to fight with me; this is what I want for myself.

Bad Habits: Day One

10/19/2012

I decided if I baked myself into a frenzy of scones, bread, and muffins, that I would surely forget that I had been a smoker for 15 years of my life.  Until today.  Oh self-deception!  You've fooled me again.  5pm rolls in and I'm taking a break from baking to think about dinner.  Juliet has already asked me at least five times what we are having.  I keep telling her I'll decide soon.  My son started doing something in the kitchen.  I can't remember what it was.  I just know it was annoying the hell out of me.  I turned to my daughter and exclaimed, "I'm about to go buy a dang pack of cigarettes and forget this whole idea until tomorrow when your brother is at his dad's!"

She looks at me and very cooly says, "Ok.  Go buy them then."  I'm shocked!  No support?  No, encouragement?  I tell her this and she says, "Why does it matter?  You won't listen to me anyways.  If you want to smoke you're going to smoke."  At this I'm feeling a bit humbled; but still in the throes of cravings.  Then as she scoots by she politely says, "Excuse me.....non-smoker."

Internally I'm groaning.  No, maybe I really groaned.  This day is so hazy.....

I finally make a decision and tell her to put in frozen pizza and that I'm going on a bike ride.  I go to my room to get changed.  Ten minutes later I'm still sitting there on the edge of my bed thinking about what I'm going to do.  Maybe I'll run?  No, no, my knee will start to bother me.  Maybe I'll ride the off road here in town.  No, I won't have enough time before dark.  Besides, I don't want to be worn out for a ride tomorrow.  I'll ride in town.  No.  I'll run.  That's when I realized I was going to have to will myself forward, sticking with the original plan; the bike.

I start getting dressed and I'm thinking about the weather.  I want to wear the right attire.  I could wear base layers.  No, it's not cold enough yet for base layers.  Well, maybe it is.   Maybe just on my legs.  Then a long sleeved running shirt.  I could wear my running jacket?  No, not bright enough.  Wait, do I have brighter shorts I could wear?  It is getting darker out.....

Enters:  Romeo

"Mom, what are you doing?"  

"Going on a bike ride, why?"

"No! I want to go on a bike ride too!"

"What!  It's too cold for you on the bike.  You just want to be with mom, don't you?"

I looked back at my day and realized I had been baking since before noon today.  Yeah, he just wants my attention.  He nods his head in agreement, and I give him a big hug.  Little does he know he swiftly walked in and made my decision for me.  I had been struggling to make the simplest of decisions for the last hour!  Suddenly I was relieved, and as I felt my anxiety slipping away  I smiled.  I was already writing tonight's blog.....

One Day At a Time

In the midst of blogging last night, my daughter walked into my room to tell me she had thrown up.  This is a fairly normal occurrence for her unfortunately.  A grumpy stomach runs in the family on her father's side.  I double check with her to make sure it's just a typical episode.  She says it is so I tell her to drink some water and get back to bed and get some rest.  I feel for her, I really do.  However she started doing this when she was 5 years old, so after almost 8 years of it I don't feel the need to get up with her every time it happens anymore.

When I finished blogging I walked to the kitchen to treat myself to a steaming cup of apple cider.   While the cider was heating I headed to the bathroom for one last stop before bed.  I'm so glad I emptied everything that was sitting on my chest before I got there.  My daughter had neglected to tell me she had missed the toilet.  Big time.  While I'm wiping the evening's dinner from tiny crevices and trying not to gag, I ponder the timing of things.  Had I found the mess before I had poured my feelings onto paper I probably would have had another tearful breakdown last night.  As it was, my heart felt lighter, so I laughed at the irony of the whole thing instead.

 On the subject of riding fences, I've been wanting to quit smoking for almost as long as I have smoked.  I've quit twice before; both times for over a year.  I'd like to quit again and make it last.  Addiction can be our partner, but never our friend.  I have a few cigarettes left in my pack, but my goal is to not buy anymore.  I have so many reasons to quit, and only one reason not to really.  Fear.  I despise the word.  I cringe to think of the feelings that accompany it.  However, I've grown tired of talking the talk and avoiding the walk.  Quitting smoking seems like the best place to start.  It goes hand in hand with some of the other not so great habits I'd like to give up.  I'm going to aim to tackle this first, and then see where my (hopefully) achievement leads me.  

 Tomorrow will be day one.  I'd really like to say I will be here blogging every night as a means  of therapy to get me through the first week.  I would hate to be a liar though.  The truth is, the first week is the worst.  I may write lots of hate letters and journals that will stay in my collection of writing that never gets posted here.  I may not want to write at all.  I may write about how wonderful it feels to stick with it.  I may abort my mission.  Week one, here I come....one day at a time.

Riding Fences

"More times than not the ones you love are who you let down.

We're chasing something big, our parents never tracked down.

The hardest part is looking back and making sense of 

the humble tries and troubled times of where we came from."

~Bo Rinehart~

The compassion in my heart for my friend Caedmon yesterday left no room for my own introspection.  Today self reflection led my every thought.  I saw myself riding fences in many places in my life.  I became aware of some of my own self-deception.  I contemplated what and who I run from and who and what I run to.  Moment after moment of clarity.  By nightfall I found myself sliding down to the floor, back against the kitchen cabinets, and tears spilling off my cheeks.  Just when I would think the well was drying up another visual would drift through my mind, and I would experience another holy shit moment.

We are masters of disguise; giving ourselves a myriad of reasons for the things we do.  We take the truth and tuck it away.  We compartmentalize; in hopes that we will avoid the pain.  We ache for more, and deny ourselves the very opportunity for more to exist.  

When I try to stare truth in the face my chest begins to tighten.  My breathing begins to feel restricted before I will admit there is a piece of me demanding to be set free.  How often do I play the victim, yet hope for so much more?  How much strain do we put on our own hearts while we mutter excuses to ourselves?

Friends who know me well know that I slip away when heavy reflection sets in.  I retreat to my corner, craving solitude and peace.  All the while they are only a phone call or a car ride away.  I ache with loneliness, but feel determined to get through it on my own.  My own way is often sloppy because of the weight I carry on my back.  I can speak so easily of the light when it is shining, yet I grope for it when things turn dark.  

My growing character says fence riding doesn't fit the lifestyle I seek.  The very thought of climbing down from the fence sends shivers down my spine.  False security is slipping away though, no matter how tightly I grasp for it.  Which direction do you go when your eyes have been opened?  The only logical answer is forward motion....even when it feels like it's just going through the motions.

Wondering Wanderer....

"The best teacher is experience, and not from someone else's distorted point of view."

~Jack Kerouac~

Tonight I met with a friend who is going through a time in his  life.  He liked Tyler Lee's idea of naming blog characters to add some color to the story.  He mentioned choosing a name, but we never got around to speaking of it again, so I am going to choose one for him that I feel is relevant.  I'm going to call him Caedmon.  The name has a Celtic origin meaning "wise warrior," and it just fits....

Dear Caedmon,

I drove home from our meet up tonight light hearted, and yet still swirling with intense emotions.  I put in my old fall back cd for times of contemplation; The Reckoning by NeedToBreathe.  My heart aches for you.  We all find ourselves in life facing crossroads; in this we are not alone.  However these intersections don't always look the same, and our intersection will undoubtedly look different from those of others.  No matter the difference of appearances, or the path we traveled to get there, in the right company we can find solace in relating our experiences.  

One thing I have discovered about life is that it sometimes throws things our way that seem entirely out of our control.  Then there are those obstacles we find ourselves facing that we have brought on ourselves.  Once there though it often feels that the only way out is the same; surrender.  Whether we have come to this place by our own hand or not, we feel a need for redemption.  Parts of us might cry out to be noticed, while others yet beg to remain in hiding.  

Self reflection can be a joy and it can also be a bitch.  When I entered into the counseling program for my masters, I was well aware that I would need to face myself to make it through.  Like many things in life, I believed I had it in me to conquer.  I still believe this, yet I have been reminded that I cannot conquer on my own.  Even a warrior would be a fool to fight his battles alone.  In my counseling program we were constantly told that we would have to deal with our own "stuff" in order to truly be an effective counselor.  I withdrew from the program last May knowing that I had stuff to deal with.  Granted, I could have stuck it out and obtained a certificate I'm sure.  However, some of us are just not built like that.  Some of us feel a burning inside telling us the truth is comprised of much more than just a certificate.  

I withdrew because I knew I wasn't seeing the whole picture.  I was still caught in a web of the past, carrying with me the weight of yesterdays.  My unwillingness to let go felt involuntary.  I knew what I wanted, yet my eyes kept shifting to look behind me, no matter how hard I tried to look forward.  I wish I could give you a magic formula for working through this time in your life, but the truth is that I am still in the midst of that discovery myself.  I certainly don't feel  confident giving answers to questions I am still wrestling with myself.  

What I do know is this....

You are an amazing person.  You have more character than so many people I have met in my life.  Sometimes in our pain we want to lash out at a world that creates victims.  Truth tell us to fight back, and temptation calls us to start fights.  We hear the wars waging within us and suddenly the truth seems so obscure.  It's the gentle whisper drowned out by cries of pain.       

Hold on dear friend.  Your name says it all:  You are a wise warrior.  In the midst of battle you might find yourself shrouded in doubts.  Where will you go to shed them?  Do you have a place to lay them down?  At the feet of Jesus?  On the shoulders of friends?  In the quiet of the woods?  Your wisdom and courage have not been stolen; they just need to be dusted off.  Just like shelves full of books we cherish, the dust keeps collecting, requiring us to continually be aware of the need for more housekeeping.  

As I sit here and write I wish I could offer you one more hug tonight.  But alas, all the hugs in the world won't take away your pain.  Take heart, dear friend; your story is not over yet.  You have so many more chapters to write.  Although we cannot determine how our stories will go, we are so fortunate to own the ability to choose to allow light to live with the darkness.  On your search for truth, let the light grow and pour even into the shadows left by the darkness; this is our hope.  

I'll leave you with this song, in hopes that it will encourage you the way it has encouraged me....

Love,

Betty

"Grace she comes with a heavy load

Memories they can't be erased

Like a pill I swallow that makes me well

It leaves an awful taste"

~Bo Rinehart~

Finally, a Ride....

I spent this last week taking care of my sick baby and my sick self.  I've been trying to eat well, get plenty of rest, and take a lot of vitamins.  I could go to the doc, but being self employed I have no insurance, so sticking it out feels like the best option when I can.  My son on the other hand, made a trip to his doctor with me.  Turns out he had a slight infection in one ear, and the croup in his lungs.  Poor baby!  The doc prescribed steroids and antibiotics, and mom prescribed a tent in the living room.  He was feeling better almost instantaneously.  

Saturday was the first day that I was really feeling better, and it rained all day, so I couldn't ride.  Sunday the trails would have been too wet, and I didn't feel up to hitting the pavement.  So, tonight I headed out to some nearby trails with a friend.  I've read reviews about these trails, but this is the first time I have ever checked them out for myself.  There is a trail amongst them called Rim Job.  

I'm riding on some double track with my friend when we come to an intersection and stop to navigate our course.  I see an older man riding out of a trail and I ask him, "Is that the Rim Job?"  He says yes, and that he doesn't advise riding on it when it's wet.  Then he tells my friend to "Get a helmet young man," and rides off.  I give my friend one of those "I told you so" looks, and laugh because I had told him this might happen if he rode without one and we saw other people on the trails.

He walks his bike up to me and I say, "Did you catch that awkward moment after I asked him a question I hadn't really thought through before I opened my mouth?"  That has got to be one of the funniest questions I have ever asked anyone before today.  Excuse me sir, but have you been riding the Rim Job?  Could you tell me what the conditions are like today please?  Perhaps my friend didn't catch it, but I caught the awkward pause after I asked the question.  It appeared and disappeared quickly, but I felt it between the old man and myself.  It was all I could do not to laugh out loud, but I wasn't about to be rude....not in his presence anyways.  Boy, it sounds awful when I say it like that.

Well, my friend is seasoned in the art of bike riding, but it's been years since he has really ridden.  He just picked a bike up this week from Craigslist.  He was as anxious to get out as I was.  He warned me that he might be eating my dust, but I assured him I'm still a novice.  Novice that I am, I guess I have built up some endurance for the off-road, because we made quite a few more stops than I am accustomed to making.  No matter though, it's nice to ride with company on the trails some days.  I laughed when he started sputtering and said he thought he had eaten some dirt.  I guess he did end up eating my dirt after all.  Once I rounded a corner and my pedal clipped a tree on a turn and left me spilling over onto the trail in a fit of laughter.  Most of the falls I have on the trails seem to be silly accidents that speak loudly of my lack of coordination.  

I'm going to try to find a way to ride again tomorrow, but then I may be waiting until the weekend before I get to ride off road again.  That may depend a great deal on what kind of week I have and whether or not I need to fit in another ride to burn off some steam. It's only Monday, so it's hard to tell just yet....

Family, Friends, and Adventures

10/5/2012

It's been one hell of a day!  Woke up this morning and convinced my son to get dressed.  This can be quite a feat at times.  He loves to run around in the nude most of the time.  You might be walking through my house and find a pile of crumpled jeans and boy's underwear lying underfoot.  His shirt and shoes are usually close by.  You'll find Romeo perched somewhere in the house contently playing naked.  He'll turn 4 this January, so it's a habit I will have to think about breaking soon.  I've been a bit more consistent lately about having put something back on......some of the time.  

I pulled a box of long sleeve shirts from the top of his closet, today being the coldest day we've seen yet this Fall.  Romeo made it clear he was intent on picking out his own shirt as long as I was willing to lay out some underwear and pants.  Independent and driven, he likes to take the stance that he knows what he wants.  I choose my battles with him wisely.  A typical daily ensemble is not usually one of them.  He walks out of his room in his "hiking" hat, red monster rain boots, and a sweater over his long sleeve shirt.  I smile and ask if he's ready.  He hollers back a long, drawn-out, "Yeeeeaaaaah!" and we walk to the door. 

We run our errands, get back home, and I get a sitter for an hour so I can hit the local trail on my bike.  I've been fighting a cold/flu for over a week now.  Riding the trail today I thought again about how I might be able to kick it if I would back off on the biking.  I've tried; but after 2 or 3 days of no riding I feel stir crazy, throw out good sense, and hit the trails anyways. Today I got a wicked taste of riding trails when I should have been at home sipping on Thera-Flu.  No matter; I'll still hit the trails the next couple of days, as they are the only days I won't have to hire a sitter just to catch a ride.  

I got home, fit in some work, and made arrangements for my son's father to take him early so I can take my daughter to a midnight movie.  He's running late, so we arrange for him to text and meet me in the lobby when he arrives.  My son joins my daughter and I.  One of his obsessions this last year has been costumes.  I divulge on occasion.  I picked up a $7 discounted Scooby-Doo costume while purchasing inventory for work today.  Walking into the theater my son is showered with conversation from many other movie-goers who find his Scooby gear just as adorable as I do.  

The movie was great.  Pitch Perfect I think it was called.  If you like Glee; you'll like this.  Driving home from the theater my daughter and I share some good quality conversation.  Now I sit here in my familiar blogging spot; the front porch.  I'm reflecting on the fullness of my day.  I spoke with my best friend on the phone today.  Since our lives have taken different paths we don't get to speak as much as we used to.  It was wonderful to hear her voice.  It felt even better to offer her my shoulder; even from hours away.  And of course she let me lean back as well.  I'll have to plan a trip down to see her soon.  Lately I've been reminded of my distant support system and my need to work on my "long distance relationship" skills.  First stop when I head back towards my hometown for a visit?  Well, Grandma's house of course......

Change is on the Horizon.....

"We write to taste life twice."

~Anais Ninn~

Once again I’ve been walking through a spell where I sit almost daily writing, and yet the words feel forced or insincere.  There always comes a time when the words feel ready to spill from my fingertips; painting a story with clarity.  All the other words remain in my notes or journal while my heart strives to make sense of feelings, experiences, and needs.  Today I have shifted between feelings of empowerment to feelings of insecurity, while wading through many other feelings along the way.

I’ve been keenly aware of myself today.  Repeatedly I have felt my eyes opening wider to view my world from a more reflective perspective.  By nightfall I had heard the last of selfish protests from children.  Not because they wanted to stop, but because my ability to sacrifice had run dry; save a real need to sacrifice.  In short; my patience had run thin.  I found myself driving home from an outing with my children realizing that it’s no wonder I often come to a place where I want to push the world back and slip away into solitude for a while.  My son goes to his father’s house one or two nights every weekend, and my daughter is only absent while she’s in school.  Needless to say, I am never without at least one child unless I leave my daughter home alone when my son is gone.  Or if I stay up late after the children go to bed.  I practice the latter more frequently, and I pay for it dearly the next day. 

All of this has left me pondering a get-away tonight.  Not a an actual get-away for the night, but at least a few days in the near future alone in an environment where no one looks to me to have his or her needs met.  I’m going to have to do some brainstorming and researching, because it’s getting a bit cold for camping.  I may say to hell with it and go for it anyways. 

Unfortunately, funds are currently sparse for such a weekend.  However, the pressing internal need for some personal time will soon make way for some creativity in orchestrating said get-away. 

I’ve been riding off-roads on my bike at least several times a week.  Praise God I’ve found this outlet.  I ride away from the trails feeling grounded, full of life, and inspired to embrace life.  I’ll definitely need to find other outlets to fill winter days when getting out on my bike is not an option. 

I look forward to the trail rides more and more with each experience.  I’m growing more confident on the trails, tackling more runs than ever, rarely ever putting my feet down, and falling even less frequently.  So it is in my life; continually becoming more aware of how the ride parallels the pursuit of life. 

A friend that I met on my road trip (the one that just so happens to live about an hour from me) contacted me this last weekend and we went out on a 9 mile trail together.  Spending time with him again I felt cheerful to be in his presence.  The stories he shares suggest he lives a life of simplicity I long for.  I admire the way he walks through life intentionally; and makes it look so simple.  Some people you meet and you just know that having them as a friend will encourage you to be a better person.  He is definitely one of those people.

Here I am again; spent, and feeling as if my cup of words has begun to run dry.  I feel a peace after spelling out my story, yet there are always more words spinning inside, waiting for a different place in time when they will settle into a legible format in my mind.