Parenting

Raising children is tough. In fact, I’m fairly certain it’s the largest responsibility I have ever shouldered in my life. Don’t get me wrong, it’s incredibly rewarding. However, it can also be incredibly scary. For years now I have watched my daughter and realized that I can become aware of things I need to work on in myself as I see them reflected in her. While I am grateful for this, it can also be terrifying. At times I have wondered if I am just going to “screw” her up the way I have felt “screwed up” from my past. As I have gotten older I have come to realize some things that are helping me come to terms with all of this. I have come to a place in my life where I have been angry with my parents for the way I was raised. I’ve struggled through the anger and dealt with it. In doing so I was led to ponder their past. Seeing where they have come from has helped me to see that they loved us kids as best as they knew how. They still do. It may not always look that great or even look a lot like love. But it is. I am learning to know and trust this in much the same way as we are to know and trust our Father. Perhaps it doesn’t always come the way we would like it to, however it does exist. This gives me hope in raising my own children. I’m going to screw up. I already have. However, I hope they will reach that place in their own lives where they can acknowledge that I never stopped loving them, or seeking healthier ways to show them that love.
Being a single parent I used to try to live by this idea that I had to be 2 parents. After smashing my head against that brick wall for years, I conceded to the truth that I am only one person. I cannot make up for the lacking of another, however I can try to be the best I can be. Admittedly, some days I feel as if I fail miserably at this goal. Other days, or perhaps just moments, I feel like I shine like a star.
As I age I feel much more aware of these moments, these times shared when all seems right; as it should be. These times don’t always look alike. Sometimes I will be in the midst of a wrestling match with my two children. Other times I will be in mid-conversation with my daughter when the impact these conversations might have on her life become all the more apparent to me. Just this week I found one of those moments as the three of us took turns wearing a pull-up diaper on our heads, dancing, and being silly. I also love finding these moments as I watch them sleep and I swim in the deep love I have for them.
I also have times where I would like to just check out for awhile. I have thoughts of dropping them off on my mother’s doorstep and driving for the coast with the convertible top down on my car. I don’t have a convertible top on my car though, so I suppose this will remain a wistful thought. Somehow we manage. I keep believing that if I continue striving for intentional relationships with them life will progress in a positive forward motion.