It's a Freakin' Carnival Over Here

This roller coaster of emotions wears me thin.  I took a nap today and woke up remembering that I dreamed of crying; lying face down on the floor with my body shaking from sobs.  The pain of love lost wracked my body, and though the dream was over, the reality of it was not.  My children want my attention, and I try to give it.  Yet internally my heart is so torn I feel like I can't give them all of myself just yet.

Last night I was driving in my car when I heard a song by JJ Heller (hear it here) that lifted my spirits as peace settled over my being.  I felt whole; hopeful.  My story had value.  Then I was glancing through Instagram when I came across photos of my ex.  Suddenly I was no longer aware of peace; just sadness.  My mind began to spiral through questions like, "Where did we go wrong?  Where did I go wrong?  Why wasn't love enough?  Why does being a follower of Jesus set me apart and drive others away?"

Although I clearly see the answers to the swirling mass of questions and doubts, the sadness lingers.  It's fingers grip my heart and show no sign of letting up any time soon.  

When thoughts of reaching out to others fill my mind, truth whispers gently; reach out to the one who created you.  Only He can fill this God-shaped hole in your heart.  Only he can raise hope and love from the shattered pieces of a broken heart, and mold it into something more whole and beautiful than it was before.  

So I strive daily to keep my eyes drawn towards hope.  I cling to the idea that what lies ahead will be far greater than what lies behind me.  When thoughts invade telling me that love hurts too much to risk again, I acknowledge that if God is love, I cannot shut love out without shutting God out as well.  And I refuse.  However broken, however beaten down, I will continue to look up.  

I will trust even when pain grips my heart.  I will hope even when pain has knocked me face down on the floor.  And when I can't; when all I can do is mutter a feeble, "please" or "help," those words will be enough.  Because I believe; He intervenes.  Pain takes on a beautiful perspective.  My suffering has meaning.  And isn't that what we all want?  To know that our pain has purpose; it's not all for naught.