Days Like These

Today has been more difficult than yesterday.  That familiar heaviness has come back to shroud my heart.  Simple comforts like a bike ride followed by a long, hot shower provide time for reflection and meditation; but the peace they provide is fleeting.

Today I feel old.  The ache in my heart so tremendous, I felt weak from the moment I first opened my eyes and crawled out of bed.  Days like these I have to eat, not because I want to, but because I know I need to.  Days like these I am filled with a need to pray more fervently.  My prayers sometimes feel more like groans than words, or look more like an enormous sigh reminding me to breathe.  

Emotions have shifted from sadness to anger, grief, peace, hope, joy, or doubt.  And surely a slew of other emotions in the mix as well, all tangled up in the chaos of my heart.  It's a process; a painful one.  And when I think about how I wish the pain could all be stripped away and avoided, I know I wouldn't really want to choose that.  It would seem easier, but as life continues to teach me, there's no way around the process;  I can face it now or choose to face it later.