Burning Bridges

My heart has been a wreck.  I feel like i have spent more time searching for a fix than trusting.  Today I rode a trail.  I started out clumsy, slipping often because I was too afraid to go over rocks with enough speed to make it to the other side.  Sometimes we come upon things we can't speed across when we don't have momentum built up. 

 I often feel like I have an audience when I ride a busy trail.  It takes a good stretch of riding before I realize I don't really care who is watching; I just want to ride hard!  

When I remember that I also remember I can have just an audience of one if I so choose.  A war has been waged in my heart, and now I know who is on my side.  

I heard a sermon today about fear.  The pastor asked , "What do you believe people fear more than anything?"  A tally of results gave way to a myriad of answers.  Some confessions of honesty nearly brought tears to my eyes.  Like divorce and nursing homes.  Other sarcastic responses like spiders and democrats had the crowd sharing in fits of laughter.  

The number one response surprised me; it was death.  The remainder of the sermon spoke of this fear, yet my heart felt stuck.  It was as if a fist had clenched my heart, it was so full of pressure with no place to let it go.  Fear.  I thought, "I don't fear death.  Not like I fear love." 

This thought began to twist my heart like a crumpled sheet of paper.  I was sure I couldn't fake it. I just knew if anyone looked into my eyes they would see me crying out.  They would see my heart screaming in fear.  If I am afraid to love, how will I ever love myself?  How will I ever love others?  I felt myself in a panic on the inside.  I started going through motions although I felt like falling to my knees.  I hurt.  I felt sick.  

I have felt this coming on.  It's a slow change, because I fight it.  So today I rode out the feelings on the trail.  In my frenzy of thoughts and rocks littering my path I felt sloppy; I felt like quitting.  Today wasn't my day.   I kept thinking, "I don't know how to love. Not adequately; not like others deserve."  

I believe God wants us to love.  I want to love him, myself, and others.  Today when I kept thinking, "I can't do this," I also heard, "I know."  Like a thought that's been whispered in my ear; because it certainly didn't come from me.  And then I heard, "But I can."  

When I began to trust that God can and will take care of the details, that I no longer need to worry about them myself, I began to soar.  The trail ride became an adventure.  I felt a spiritual presence around me and within me.  I kept thinking, "Trust God.  Trust God." And when I would wonder, what does that look like?  I remembered the gospel.  I remembered accounts of the life of Jesus.  And it was as if I were hearing it all again for the first time.  I wanted to shout with joy!  I wanted to giggle with my children.  All my worry melted away.....and I felt like a new person; ready to face a new day.  I felt whole and unashamed.  I felt loved when God met me right where I was....on a trail somewhere out in the woods.