The past

I remember once believing I was in love. Then I realized I was pregnant and suddenly my perspective on the relationship shifted. This man had potential, but why didn’t he care to use it? The man I had thought I loved was not father material. Shit. Now what?
Phone calls saying he would be there around 9pm. Hours of listening to cars drive by. Jumping up every so often to look out the window and search for his truck. Finally crawling into bed and crying myself to sleep. Waking up alone and knowing this was how it was going to continue to be.
Feeling strong enough to walk away. Falling back into false hope just as quickly. I stuck around in fear. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to make it on my own. Every day spent with him wore me down even more until I was sure if I left no one else would ever want me; and I was only 20 years old.
Finally I learned about how he had been spending nights in the arms of lovers from the beginning. No wonder I had felt unloved. His love was never reserved for me. He felt it could be shared with others. Love was not a sacred term to him. I didn’t know what love should look like either.
However I vowed that I would pursue the true meaning of the word. So I set off on my own trying to make my own way. It took years for me to admit that instead of pursuing the truth I was trying to guard my heart instead. The technique; avoidance. Avoid eye contact. Avoid relationships. Avoid men. Avoid feelings of attraction. Hide, hide, hide. No one can break your heart if you don’t offer it, right?
Wrong. Running from the truth meant breaking my own heart. I continually denied myself. Don’t feel this; don’t feel that. Don’t do this; don’t do that. So many years of denial pass and I find that I can hardly distinguish any more what I want. 12 years later and I am still trying to unravel armor I built in my defense.
But I do know what I want. I have just habituated denying myself the right to fulfill my own desires. God help me undo years of self-inflicted abuse. Speak to me of grace and mercy. Please be the fuel that propels me forward.