Uncertainty

1:30 a.m. and I'm still awake. I've been trying to get all my information ready to get my taxes filed (hopefully) tomorrow. I'm finally ready for bed and I step outside for one last cigarette. It's beautiful! January 31st at almost 2 in the morning and it's only 51 degrees outside! Love it. I think it makes it reminds me of Spring; my favorite season. I had a nostalgic moment when I opened the door, felt the nice weather, and took in a long deep breath; taking in the fresh smell of the air.

Well, "the guy" text me last night. We ended up saying a lot over text, so I finally picked up the phone and called him. It was a nice civil conversation. I shared a lot of things about my faith, my own struggle with drug abuse, my sister's death, and how drug abuse is often the symptom of more core issues. I was very honest about how I felt deceived and foolish. Then I was very honest with him about the life is he providing for his son. I talked to him about how he felt about himself if he were to call himself an addict. I asked him some probing questions and told him I was fairly certain he was an addict.

I told him that I would not date him anymore, as I really believe he needs to seek help. Then I said something I'm not certain yet about whether or not I should have said. I told him that I would go to an AA or NA meeting with him every Saturday to support him in recovery if that was the road he was interested in taking. I told him I would go some at least, but that I really wasn't so certain I should even be his friend, so I can't make a long-term agreement.

He asked why I would give up my Saturday to do that for him. I told him not to flatter himself, that I could use it too. Free group therapy is good for anybody if you ask me.

Being an addict myself I suppose I just relate to the desire to want to change; however holding back due to shame and isolation. He just moved here from out of state 4 years ago and hasn't made many new friends. He's a single dad with an adorable 6 year old son. He needs someone to be honest with. I don't want to fix him or change him. However it would be nice to see him get some help. Not sure at this point how long my attending meetings with him and talking to him that one day a week will last....I just sure hope I don't end up kicking myself in the ass for this one...

Belief

Well, God. So I’ve been drinking tonight. Tonight’s events however have given me a shove; a kick in the ass that I’ve desperately needed. My only concern would be that in my current state perhaps I’m just sedated so the pain is not so sharp. Will I wake tomorrow and feel cloaked in a blanket of loneliness?

I hope to feel as empowered tomorrow as I do today. However I know at some point I need to process the hurt feelings. The stabs are pointed inward….

I thought I had grown?

I thought I had changed?

I thought I had grown wiser?

I thought I was doing things differently.

Self-deception sneaks upon me once again; such a fierce and persistent opponent.

A good friend once told me, "If you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?" I want that to be my new motto: Believe in myself. More. And more.

Time Out

Alright, so I go out tonight with a friend, my uncle, my brother, and the guy I've been dating for a month or so. This guy, by the way, has been asking to be a part of my business/work for some time now. The idea just didn't sit right with me. Tonight I know why. We get home and he's being an ass. Kind of like he's been all night. Find out he has told my girlfriend how gorgeous she is,among other things. Then, when I was outside smoking a cigarette he puts a bump of cocaine up to her nose and tells her to take it. She does in a drunken stupor. He tells her not to tell me because he doesn't think I would like it.

He's gone now. Gone for good. F***er I don't care how drunk you are....You can summon the will to drive home. There will never be room for you in my bed again.

Time to walk. Time for a time out. I'm so f***ing over somehow bringing these assholes home with me. I'm not dating again until I finish grad school. I'm taking a break. In school they tell us constantly to take self-care time for ourselves. It's time. Time out.

My Daughter's Room: Part III

One angle of the room

The walls are unfinished concrete, so I covered them in a roll of zebra plastic tablecloth cover from Hobby Lobby. $7

Hopefully soon I'll paint the steel beams purple to suit my daughter's tastes.















Another angle of the "living area"

My first time doing graffiti art. I'm not thrilled with it, but it works.

And just another angle...

My Daughter's Bedroom Part II

My ambition sometimes gets the best of me. It's 1:00pm and today I have gone grocery shopping and worked on my daughter's room. Busy day, no doubt, but I have yet to get any actual "work"done. Soon I'll have to stop and ship some packages for the business.

1st coat of paint on the lockers. I watched a video on youtube about doing graffiti...haha. So, I'm going to try my hand at some graffiti on the front of the lockers.

My poor brand new pair of jeans.

Damn. Ruined. Must change into paint clothes before painting next time.

Old metal table I painted black. Forgot to take the ugly before picture when the table was its original gold color.

Table: $15

Table again....Painted with a black appliance epoxy spray.

My Daughter's Bedroom

So every now and then I get an idea for a project and I can't seem to stop until I go about doing it. However, I am also really good at starting projects and never finishing them. This time I will upload photos in hopes that I'll soon be able to show the finished product.

This time my project is my daughter's room. She is about to turn 12, and is suddenly infatuated with zebra stripes. Of course she's still in love with pink and purple. So, I found this cool old place downtown that buys out massive amounts of stuff from businesses and such. I purchased an old red booth from a restaurant, a set of old gym lockers, and a big heavy old round metal table. Her room is in the basement and unfinished, so we are going to stick with it and go for an industrial look.

Here's the booth. Because the booth is vinyl I had my daughter choose a fabric I could make a slip cover with. Booth: $50

These canvas tubs were $2 each at Wally World...They'll look cute inside some of the lockers. I put my large flokati wool rug in her "living area."

Pink polka-dot chenille: 5 Yards $45

The covered booth! I made it last night...super simple to make a pattern for; one panel of fabric stretched from the back all the way over the front. Then I put the booth on its side and traced around it with a 1.25"  allowance for seams and some give.  I added elastic in the front across the 2 places where the fabric hugs the booth. There is also elastic on the bottom to stretch it tight around the base.

The zebra wall is a concrete unfinished wall. I found a large roll of zebra print plastic that is used to cover long tables. It was on sale for about $7 at Hoby Lobby.

Elastic: $6

Here are the lockers before.

Lockers: $170

I probably paid too much for these...but I really wanted them!

Communion

From time to time I like to read back through some of what I have written. When I do am filled with a sense of peace knowing that entering into the field of counseling I will be able to give back to others from my own experiences; especially my past suffering. There is something to be said about giving to others from the well of hurts we carry. The hurts become lighter. The scars become less visible. When you are able to provide awareness, offer peace, or comfort another in such a way, there is a feeling inside that this is what we are made for. Community. I hear that word a lot.

When I imagine community, I imagine many people in union with one another. All of them hold his or her own individual self and ideals. Yet, they are in communion with one another. Communion comprised of a willingness to set down defenses and care for one another in spite of their differences. You need not have to share 100% of the beliefs of the other. The only requirement is to allow the other person to just be; and love them all the same.

Drawing from your own well of experiences makes this easier. It's hard to hold judgement against another when you remember the many ways you gained your own wisdom and knowledge.

I hope to live a life where I strive for community in every setting I find myself in. Whether it be with friends or family I have known for years, or a trip to Wal-mart where I make small talk with the cashier. I hope I am constantly reminded of the joy that others can inspire when I am willing to engage. Although people can be the very ones that spark feelings of annoyance, anger, frustration, and sadness, what would my world be without them? Besides, if my heart feels heavy due to an encounter with another, it is only my heart that I can seek to change.

Mustard Seeds

My favorite author Donald Miller wrote a wonderful blog recently on life. You can read it here. In this blog he encourages his readers to consider the idea that they have the opportunity to live the year 2012 over again. If you could live 2012 for the second time, what would you do differently? Imagine the year is over, and you are looking back to examine how you lived.
I can already see things I would change.
There are habits I would like to change; lots of them. My attitude could definitely be better at times. I would strive for more tenderness with my children. I would also try to be fully present with them as much as possible, even if that means removing some of the busy-ness from my life. This might mean less time surfing the web and more time really listening to them. I would also focus more on daily tasks like staying on top of washing and folding laundry so that my children would feel the security of knowing someone loves them enough to keep their drawers filled with freshly laundered and folded clothes.
I would aim to spend more time meditating on how I lived each day. I would strive to do this daily, be it at the beginning, middle, or end of the day. I would devote more time to my studies. I would stick to a financial budget and save money for family vacations with the kids.
I would worry less about things that are uncertain and outside of my immediate control. I wouldn't run when I came up against trial and error. I would instead remind myself that although scary at times, embracing these things will breathe life into my being.
Realist that I am, I can see that there is hardly time in every day to change so much in one year. However, I do cling to a faith that tells me; hold tight and believe because faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.

Communication

Communication is vital for relationships to thrive. We know this, yet often times we avoid it when talking and sharing feels uncomfortable. It might feel as if life would be easier if we didn't engage in conversations that cause uneasiness. The easy answer however, often leads to tension caused by the lack of actually pushing through the tough talks. To have these talks though; to engage in these conversations; it has the ability to put the heart at ease and ignite peace. I shared some feelings with someone the other night; feelings that were not easy for me to share. The conversation sparked a bit of tension and awkwardness. However, when the night was over I felt peace. I felt resolve. I walked away feeling as if my relationship with this other person was building on a solid foundation of communication and honesty. Damn that feels good. It also feels different. I like different. Although "different" can be difficult, it can also be refreshing.
I feel good today. There is a lightness in my step. There is an assurance in my heart. Although the future holds fast to uncertainty, I feel much more courageous in my pursuit to face it.

The past

I remember once believing I was in love. Then I realized I was pregnant and suddenly my perspective on the relationship shifted. This man had potential, but why didn’t he care to use it? The man I had thought I loved was not father material. Shit. Now what?
Phone calls saying he would be there around 9pm. Hours of listening to cars drive by. Jumping up every so often to look out the window and search for his truck. Finally crawling into bed and crying myself to sleep. Waking up alone and knowing this was how it was going to continue to be.
Feeling strong enough to walk away. Falling back into false hope just as quickly. I stuck around in fear. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to make it on my own. Every day spent with him wore me down even more until I was sure if I left no one else would ever want me; and I was only 20 years old.
Finally I learned about how he had been spending nights in the arms of lovers from the beginning. No wonder I had felt unloved. His love was never reserved for me. He felt it could be shared with others. Love was not a sacred term to him. I didn’t know what love should look like either.
However I vowed that I would pursue the true meaning of the word. So I set off on my own trying to make my own way. It took years for me to admit that instead of pursuing the truth I was trying to guard my heart instead. The technique; avoidance. Avoid eye contact. Avoid relationships. Avoid men. Avoid feelings of attraction. Hide, hide, hide. No one can break your heart if you don’t offer it, right?
Wrong. Running from the truth meant breaking my own heart. I continually denied myself. Don’t feel this; don’t feel that. Don’t do this; don’t do that. So many years of denial pass and I find that I can hardly distinguish any more what I want. 12 years later and I am still trying to unravel armor I built in my defense.
But I do know what I want. I have just habituated denying myself the right to fulfill my own desires. God help me undo years of self-inflicted abuse. Speak to me of grace and mercy. Please be the fuel that propels me forward.

Triggers

Another day comes and she is free to be
All she is made to be
Smiles and laughter of pure and genuine joy
All seems well
Then a conversation ensues
A simple sentence sends her heart careening
She struggles to catch it
She struggles to catch her breath
Racing thoughts feel irrational
Self-talk feels necessary
Memories well to the surface
Thoughts of running away
Thoughts of pushing others away
Solitude
Isolation
Stay and try
Go and hide
Stay and try
Go and hide
Where has intention gone?
Is it just her heart racing in this moment?
Or has she been allowing life to race by?
Fear produces fear
How can one moment disfigure her resolve so quickly?

Morning Person

I have never been a morning person. I have hated mornings for as long as I can remember. In fact, growing up, the person who had to come wake me up for school in the morning dreaded the task. A person just never knew what harsh words I might throw his or her way, along with a few snarls and glares.
Suddenly this week I have found myself exhausted and headed to bed between 9pm and 11pm. I'm not certain what has gotten into me, only that I am tired and don't wish to stay up any later. I used to love late nights after the kids were in bed. This week when I have gone to bed early, I have woken up by 5 or 6 am! Here's the crazy part....I love it! The mornings are so much more peaceful than the nights now for some reason. I love quietly poking around the house, making a pot of coffee and setting off to fit in a couple of hours of work before the kids wake up. What a great way to start my day too! Feeling as if I have been productive right from the start!
Practicum for my master's program starts next week, so the timing is perfect as well. Here's a toast to the new year, and apparently, the new me! I may actually start calling myself a morning person. Never thought I would say that....