Incongruence

There has been this ongoing theme in my life that I have been aware of for some time. Courses in counseling are beginning to make it much more apparent to me. The word is incongruence. Although in counseling I believe I will tend to lean towards a Humanistic approach to counseling, I’m sure I will adopt and incorporate other theories as well. When I read about Carl Rogers and his theories regarding incongruence in a person’s life, it just clicks for me. I feel like I am reading about my own internal struggles. I have a perceived image of myself, and I have an ideal image of myself. Although many people have told me I am a genuine and authentic person, my heart has generally disagreed. In many ways I do feel authentic, but I often see many of my behaviors as the opposite. I understand the theory of incongruence as not being true to oneself. Rogers explains that this stems from receiving conditional positive regard (conditional love) as a child. In turn, this person will treat him or herself with the same conditional love. “I will love you if/when you…..”
I grew up in a home where the love my parents gave often felt conditional. Oddly enough, each parent expressed this conditional love in different ways. One parent was very direct or aggressive in outlining the conditions; the other was much more passive in displaying these conditions. One parent made it a point to describe the conditions with manipulative words, while the other parent displayed the conditions through body language and actions.
I’ve recently moved about 3 hours away from both parents. One parent I am no longer speaking to. The other parent I still have a relationship with, yet I am often very aware of the passive conditional love. I hope that this time and distance away from these relationships will provide the opportunity for me to find and sustain new relationships with people who will offer unconditional positive regard. I also hope this space gives me the ability to step back and look at the relationships from the outside.
Here’s my current state of living incongruently:
I want to be authentic and genuine, yet I consistently place too much value on what other people think of me.
I want to believe I am a good person, yet I have behaviors that I view as “bad.”
I want to love myself for who I am, yet my internal thoughts are often cutting and negative.
I want to fall in love and be loved, yet I tell myself I am unworthy.
I want to believe I am a good mother, yet I place more emphasis on my parenting “mistakes.”
Alright, so what does all this mean for me? Well, I suppose in a sense I need to start being my own counselor. I need to somehow wrap my mind around the idea that who I am is not defined by right and wrong. Self-acceptance; I need to put this into practice on a daily basis! I extend a lot of grace and mercy to others; I need to start extending more to myself. I want to start living more intentionally; doing what I feel is good for me, and not doing things just because I feel that it is what someone else wants. I can think of many experiences where the application of these things, especially the latter, would have greatly affected the outcome of those circumstances. Alas, once again I cannot change the past. Thankfully I do have more hope for the future.

Fallen, fallen world

I had a great day today. Good day at home, very productive, and a great night at class. Drove home from class feeling so at peace with God and with the world. Then I start getting text messages. Damn. I hate text. Entirely too much communication can be misconstrued. So here I am feeling so motivated and empowered and blessed and then......
I see it for what it is though. I'm not perfect. Far from it. I'll be the first to admit it too. Sometimes even too quickly. But there is Grace. And there is Mercy. However it often feels like there are so many people in this world who don't believe in those things anymore. I want to believe it. I want to be certain that even when it feels as if the world has turned its back on me, there is a God who never will. I want to cling to the hope that this life is not all there is. I want to cry out to God with an avalanche of feelings and questions and emotions and know that He hears those cries. Even when I can't feel Him.......
So this is faith. Reaching out. Knowing that nothing tangible will be within my grasp, but reaching anyways. Calling out, knowing that I won't hear an audible human voice, but knowing that he takes my words to heart. Crying, even if I am alone, and believing that he is counting and catching every single tear.
Yes, my heart has been fractured. Yes, I have fallen down numerous times. Yet he witnesses these things and still calls me beautiful. Astounding. I want to be made new all over again. I want to look to his future for me, not continue searching for what my version of that future looks like. I want to set goals, knowing that he steadies my hand as I write them on paper. I want to keep my eye on the prize and not forget where my treasure lies. I want to tune into him and tune out all the other voices of humanity who shout contrasting opinions. I want to bow at his feet and humbly admit that I am far too weak to live this life alone......

Hypocrisy

Anne Frank once said, “I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.” I’ve tried to believe that for so long. Some things have recently been brought to my attention though. This new knowledge made me angry and made me want to laugh at the same time. I did laugh out loud actually. Not at the circumstances though, but at the hypocrisy involved. Yet, as I sit here to write I’m beginning to doubt my own bitterness. I feel these things welling up inside of me, and then have to stop and ask, am I not just the same? Do I not also say I want to be a certain way, and then turn around and live my life quite the opposite at times? Who am I to cast judgment on others? This internal tug of war leaves me feeling delirious. I want to say that I have the right to be angry; but when is this right truly ours?
I have watched another start a life made of lies and manipulation. Then they covered it with more lies. On top of those lies they stacked more lies. The deceit has grown so substantial that I stare in amazement and wonder how a person can keep it all together and how they manage to live keeping order of truth and lies. Or do they? Then I think of myself, and millions of others. I think of how we all have a tendency to view life through this little lens of our own limited perspective. In a sense we all learn how to dress for the masquerade. We all wear our little hats and our masks when the situation calls for it. Does life ever truly call for it, or have we just decided that it should? Are we just locking ourselves inside the prison of our own narrow perceptions?
I sat in class today as we had to choose a list of 3 types of people we look forward to counseling, and 3 types of people we believe we may have trouble counseling. I felt rather humble when I realized both of my lists were determined solely based on my own personal experiences. I felt so limited. I was very aware of my present desire to only counsel those whose life experiences were similar to my own. I was also aware of my lack of desire to counsel others who reminded me of people who have caused me immense pain and suffering. Then I looked around the room and even became aware of someone in the class who reminded me of someone I once knew. I don’t have too many fond memories of that person, and subsequently I realized I was transposing those emotions onto this person in my class with whom I have never even had a conversation with. Wow, I suppose I really ought to start looking at my own heart before being so quick to judge someone else’s. Perhaps some of my own internal unhappiness lately has been substantially in part because I have been so preoccupied with the hearts of others.....

To Be or Not To Be, is that really the question?

I have had many a great thought lately as I've been spending a lot of time on the road. A lot of time driving tends to equal a lot of time to think. I wish I could remember all the "great thoughts" now, but unfortunately when I don't write them down right away I tend to lose them. I just finished watching a movie tonight called, "It's Complicated." About 1/3 of the way through I wanted to turn it off, but I didn't. I pushed through instead and finished it. There were parts about it I didn't care for as I was watching it, but all in all it turned out to be a fairly good film. It was all about relationships. When the show was finished I got up and went to the bedroom to put on my pajamas. For a brief second I thought, maybe I don't ever want to get married. Perhaps it was because I had just surveyed the room around me and taken into account all the toys and laundry scattered all over the floor. I suppose sometimes I feel there are parts of my life I don't necessarily want to share with anyone else. Then I suddenly found myself thinking of a particular friend of mine whose husband has been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimers. I found myself wanting to ask her if she would change anything if she could. I wanted to ask her if it was worth it. All those years of marriage and suddenly the man she has loved is becoming a stranger in their own home. Upon thinking this I realized, perhaps there is more to my thoughts of never wanting to marry than I care to admit. I honestly know that I have some hang-ups in that department, however I really have not quite learned yet exactly how to get past them. Sometimes I feel like I am just afraid, and other times I wonder if I don't just like being alone. I think of the field I am heading into for a career, and of all the "talking" I will be doing and I think maybe I want my quiet time. Maybe I don't want to have to talk to someone else when I come home from my job. I often enjoy solitude. Not always, but I do enjoy my personal space. Working from home I often feel isolated from the world, and very much in need of social time, as I feel that I am a people-person at heart. However what would it look like if all of my time was "social time"? How annoying, total brain fart; I can't remember if the question mark goes in front of the quotation marks or behind them in this instance :) I suppose I am thinking all of these things because I have been doing more "dating around" in the last 6 months than I have done in years. And years and years. It's been a sad reminder to me of broken-heartedness and pain that is always just an arm's length away. Well, I know that pain and suffering in this life are unavoidable, however in the dating department I always wonder if it's even worth it. Maybe for some people it is, and maybe for others it just isn't. I can't honestly decide if all of this is just a cop-out for me, if I really believe it, or if I just haven't yet in all of my years met that someone that leaves me absolutely certain that he is the one for me. I hear some people say this has happened to them. Sometimes I wonder if it's just not in the cards for some of us. Whatever the case, I just want to be content. I want to love myself and love my life for what it is, single or not. I want more inner peace more than I want an intimate relationship; of that I am positive. There are just some things I don't ever want to have to sacrifice for love. In regards to my children, this is not the case though. For them, I think I would sacrifice just about any of my own desires.

Time Heals.

Life has been marching forward. I started my master's program at the beginning of June; in the midst of all the family upheaval. I love my classes. I relish the time I get to spend alone with my music or prayer on the 45 minute drive to and from class. I savor the 4 hours I get to spend with other students in the classroom. Most of the chaos that has been stirred up with my family has settled back down to a lull. The woman my father proposed to has decided she will go ahead and marry him after all, choosing not to heed my warning. I've become fairly apathetic towards the idea, having already decided that he will no longer be a part of my life. His mother has left me a hateful voicemail and ranted and raved about me to other family members. I, being more of the 21st century mindset (chuckle), sent her a text saying, "I guess that means goodbye." Surprising me, she wrote back with, "You chose this." In a manner of speaking, yes. Did I do this on my own? No. We all chose this by living years of our lives just sweeping the ugly stuff under the rug. It's been like a monster in the room all along. I just finally decided to call it what it is.
It hurt at first to know that the man I have called my father my whole life had discredited me in order to keep his secrets, his career, and his future wife. As time has been passing though, I'm growing more and more confident that my life will be better without these toxic relationships. Holidays will be different, for sure. Possibly even less stressful since I will be traveling to fewer family functions. In truth, the 3 family members I think I will be losing over this entire ordeal are the 3 family members I have never had authentic relationships with before anyways. Rather, they have been superficial. They have also been relationships where I have continued to listen to their verbal abuse, as they don't seem to think the way the often treat others is abuse at all. I imagined the other day this scenario; a great depiction of these relationships. There is a door. I go to the door, my hands full. I knock, one of them answers. In order to come in I must hang outside all those things they see I carry that they don't want to acknowledge; painful memories involving them, ideas I have that are different than their own, some morals, some beliefs, any right to object, and my own assertiveness. These things are not welcome if I want to spend time with them. One day I decided that I would not knock, I would announce myself instead. I walked right in carrying all of these things. I placed them in front of everyone and told them to look. They screamed. They tried to kick me and all of my "stuff" right out the door. I dare say, I did not just let them. I walked right back out all by myself. Can you say liberation?
Thank you God. I feel a beautiful new beginning on the horizon.....