What Do You Do?

What do you do when you feel like crying for seemingly no reason at all?

When you feel about to burst with pent up tension, but feel you have no one to call?

I searched the web tonight for blogs. Forums. Anything to find someone’s thoughts I could relate to. A connection. Maybe even a hope of camaraderie of some sort. 

But I fell short. So I put the phone down. And grimaced. Because it’s been too long. Too long since I felt fulfilled by things I used to love. People whose company I used to enjoy. I’ve been shrinking. Shrinking back to a person I used to be. A time when life was darker and persistent clouds were the norm. And here we are again…

Friendships slipping away while I make no move to rekindle them. Wanting something new, but not having the energy to pursue it. Positive quotes used to highlight my days. And prayer. I’ve always felt you should hold on to even the slightest shred of light and hope….and you could persevere.

But tonight, it’s as if the lights have been shut off. I picture a large empty space like a warehouse. And an old lever that controls the lights. You hear the loud groan of the lever as it’s pulled down, and boom! Lights out. Darkness. And silence. 

How did I get here?

Is like cold, damp concrete underneath me. And stifling quiet all around me. 

Emptiness. And yet, it’s suffocating. 

Nothing around me, yet it feels like something is closing in. 

I’d like to cry out, but the attempt would be feeble. And no one would recognize it anyways. Because my voice is never loud enough. Or the people in earshot either don’t understand, or they think positive words of encouragement will save the day. 

So I shrink back. 

Farther and farther from their line of sight. Safe in the shadows.

But is it safe in my mind?

Rigid. I’ve become rigid. Who to trust? Who to believe? Oh, to be an animal, driven by instinct. Like us, they can be frightened. But are they gripped with torrents of thought that tire them? Their responsibilities include finding food, building shelter, mating, and raising young for a relatively short time. And for most, the span of their lives is so short. 

But humanity. So much more complex. And why? Surely we are not superior? 

Is it to do with the stories of Adam and Eve? And is the Bible mostly filled with parable, and what parts are real? Did Jesus in fact spend 40 days and 40 nights in the desert, or is that symbolism for some deeper truth? 

We think we know so much. And everywhere you turn someone else or something else is telling you what’s best for you or how to live your life or find peace or happiness or success. 

Anymore it all feels like bullshit. If each of us is our own person, and I believe we are, then how can one article of someone else’s musings have all the right steps to lead us all from point A to point B? It can’t. 

And how can one person’s or even two or more peoples’ ideas about what is best for us be “the way”? And yet, people don’t stop sounding off advice. I’m guilty too. And I’d like to stop. Stop my judgement. My knowing what’s best. And stop saying it out loud as if I have those answers for someone else. Just like I would like for people to  stop doing that to me.

And I’d like to stop hearing the echo of their words reverberating through my thoughts. Covering your ears doesn’t help.

Turn. It. Off. Turn the sound down. I wish I had a switch. Click. Flip it, and mission accomplished. Just white noise left. Or sounds of nature. Birds chirping. Water flowing over rocks. Wind blowing through trees. 

Maybe then I could hear God’s voice again. Because I miss it. I’ve been missing it. And it’s left a void. A wide, cavernous, and empty void. Some seem to live without  him/her just fine. But me? I’m rather lost without that serene, loving voice that doesn’t need words to communicate. A language of its own. 

I want to hear it again…..

Jeremy,

I’m sorry I could not be honest with you when I took the Schwinn bike and said I was having it repaired.  Had the bike rightfully belonged to you, I would have gladly had it repaired for you.  However, I had already discovered that the bike was stolen, and I believe it needed to be reunited with its original owner.  I’m a firm believer in the golden rule…..”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

For the sake of grace and mercy; Mercy being that we are forgiven and excused from the punishment/consequence of what we deserve, and grace being that we are given that which we do not deserve – like gifts or kindness we have not earned….We at FHSKC want you to have a new/used bike in its place.

Our group exists to be a light in the darkness.  A hand up, and not a hand out.  A love that extends past boundaries and does not judge.  We choose to stand up for what is honorable and noble and true, and not to support or promote apathy, dishonesty, or wrongdoings.  That being said, none of us is perfect!  But we are all striving for a greater good.  A belief that love can prevail and overcome and conquer.

I heard you say you have children you long to see and hold again.  I heard you say you want to be a better man.  I believe you CAN be the man you desire to be; the father you would like to be to your precious children.  I hope you can rise above and find the courage and strength to climb the mountains that lie ahead of you.  Please know that you are not alone.  And know that you do not have to face the mountains and valleys in your life alone.  “Sometimes it takes a village.”

We are here to help.  We’re here to love on you, and encourage you, and to help you up when you stumble. 

I hope you discover that you were given wings to fly.

And I hope you find that you can SOAR!  Because love….and the truth….can truly set you free!

XOXO

Betty

The Bicycle Dilemna

It happened this last week that when we arrived at a particular homeless camp we serve, a new face was there.  He claimed he was having bike troubles, so I offered to look over his bike and see if I could help him get it running again.  We conversed a bit as I was looking the bike over, and I began to feel uneasy about the whole exchange.  It didn't take long before I had the thought that perhaps this bike was a stolen bike, and didn't actually belong to this guy.  Especially when he said he really just wanted to sell it, and he thought it might go for $500-$600.  And then again when I saw the Shimano 105 component set on the bike.  And again when he asked if I could fix the cables he had broken, and possibly even sell the bike for him.  I'm not always quick on my feet, so I really wanted out of the situation.  Like, right now.  Because I was just uncomfortable.  So I declined his offer, and said maybe I could look for some parts and bring them back next week.

Then I got home and began scouring facebook.  Surely a stolen bike would be posted somewhere, right?  Bingo.  After very little searching, there it was.  Staring me in the face.  The same damn bike....under the posting and profile of a very sad owner.  And then I felt like an ass.  Why hadn't I taken it with me?!  Now how was I going to get said bike back to its owner?  I contacted the owner and told him the story.  I also expressed my desire to get the bike back without a scene so our other homeless friends wouldn't be adversely affected by a call to the police.  The best plan I could come up with was to head back out there in the morning and say that I had changed my mind, and that I thought I could get some help from a friend to fix up the bike.  And so I did.  And I was nervous.  But I prayed....and I had peace with the idea.  It all went off without a hitch.  And instead of pulling away and driving to the bike shop to repair the bike, I drove straight to the original owner's house and delivered his bike back to him.  It was a beautiful reunion!  Except I knew I would still have to face the next Sunday when I would pull up with our group and announce that I had fibbed, and that I knew the bike was stolen, and that it had been returned to its owner.  I knew I had done the right thing....but what about all the trust we as a group had spent buildingn with the people from this particular camp?  How would this impact our relationship with them going forward?

I thought about it all day.  And then I had an idea.  What if we killed him with kindness?  What if we offered him a different bike instead?  Or would that just be rewarding his negative behavior?  So I text the group leader, and she agreed it would be an awesome solution.  So this Sunday, he’ll get a bike back.  Not a bike that could sell for $500-$600, but a bike with 2 wheels and gears that work that will get him around town.  And a letter written with love….

ps.  Letter in the next post....

Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

I had breakfast with some of our friends from the woods today.  It was a beautiful respite from my work and time spent raising children.  As we sat around their camp, I listened to them tell stories of their days on the streets in the place they call home.  I felt so welcome.  I felt grateful to have earned their trust enough to be invited into this circle.  At one point in the conversation one woman looked at me and asked, “I just want to know something.  Why do you come out here?  Why do you do this?” Everyone grew quiet, and all eyes were on me.  A hundred thoughts were running through my mind, because the reasons are endless.  And yet, the simplest answer seemed most fitting.  “Because everyone deserves to be loved,” I replied. 

The group remained quiet for a moment before one of them spoke up.  What she said next broke my heart and filled it with a smile all in the same moment.  “You’re the only one who comes here and gives us hugs.  Many groups or people come out and want to give food or clothing, but only you guys give us hugs.  I just want to tell the world, homelessness is not contagious!  People act afraid of us, like we’re dirty, or like they are going to catch something from us.  But not you guys.”

I shook my head in disbelief.  I didn’t quite know what to say.  Then I apologized for all the people I don’t know who look the other way, or keep their distance.  I apologized for all the people who are held captive by their fears.  I admitted that I was one of them once.  There was a time when I too wasn’t sure where the boundaries were, or what they were, or if and how they should be crossed.  Then I found FHSKC, and one day I felt inspired to leap.  And on that day I hugged one of the people we serve.  And then I hugged another.  And another.  Suddenly, my world became bigger. I have a theory that our hearts grow bigger with these embraces as well.  Walls fall down.  Friendships begin.  And love wins.

I’m thankful for the family we become as our group grows, and I’m eager to watch our story continue to unfold.  I’m grateful to be a part of a team of people who opens their arms to the homeless community and loves them and meets them right where they are.  Because it’s truly that simple…..everyone deserves to be loved.

Another Chapter Has Begun....

Since life is this ever evolving thing, mine has continued to change with the passing years.  In the midst of all the change, I've quit taking the time to process with words posted to this blog.  I've often had times where I have thought to change that.  Yet, my introversion (and possibly insecurities....no, definitely my insecurities) have kept me from doing so.

For the last 3 months I have become more heavily involved with a local chapter called Free Hot Soup KC. It's a community of members who do outreach for the homeless in our area.  It's a beautiful collection of members who want to give back.  Be a light in the darkness.  Bring hope to the homeless.  I'll be honest here; when I first attended one of the outreach Sundays last year, I thought it was a pretty awesome idea, but it was still in its infant stages, and it hadn't quite "taken off" yet.  After attending a few times, I decided to focus my attention on other volunteer projects for the time being.  This year though, the group has blossomed and grown substantially.

I have found that in reaching out to love others, I have also begun learning to love myself more.  Selflessness is a funny thing.  In the right arena, you can give and give and give....and find that your cup is still full.  Mother Teresa once said (I sure do love quoting that wise woman), "I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love."  Ah, such truth.  And boy does it ever hurt sometimes.

It used to feel easier to hide.  To stop trusting others.  To protect myself from all the pains of life.  And some days and in some ways I suppose it still does....
But being a part of this group is teaching me that our response really matters.  Mother Teresa also said, "It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start."  These words rang so true when I first became more involved with this group.  Then I found that the more involved I became, the more I got to know the people we serve.  This is the start of relationship.  Which brings the start of the hard stuff; loving people even when you know of all the little idiocycrosies about them that have the potential to drive you mad.  And still loving them anyways.

I'll be honest; I've had days where I've wanted to quit.  But each time I've had to ask myself why, and the answer has always been a desire to walk away in the face of adversity.  To resort to old habits of isolation.  To go it alone because relationship is hard work.  But I'm still here.  And I believe it's time to start spelling things out again.  Because our lives are comprised of stories.  And some of those stories are begging to be heard......

To Taste Death

Grief is a funny thing.  For some reason it elicits the voice of others telling you what you should or shouldn't do.  As if another person could actually determine what you truly need in the present moment.  For everyone experiences it in their own unique way.  Some become quiet and/or reclusive.  Some want to chatter non stop.  Some people want to stay busy.  Some want to cry.....and some don't.
Everyone is distracted.  Some people have a hard time staying on task.

Family gathers.  Friends come and go.  The days are long, but then again, so are the nights.

Morning brings the memory that death is real.  And  personal.

And the idea of another entire day.....looms.

Everyone wishes they had more time.  Some people have regrets.

Reflection abounds.

People scramble in search of photos.

Sometimes love and kindness dominate.  Sometimes tempers flare.

Heads and hearts feel heavy.

A deep ache can leave you clutching your chest.

Sometimes deep breaths are necessary.

Sometimes you need time alone.

I need hope.  I need the promise that this isn't the end.  The promise that love never dies.  I need the gentle reminder to give thanks; for the gift of life.  For the gift of love.  For family.

I need prayer.  I need patience.  And I have a great need to be held.

My heart pours heartfelt thoughts and prayers in God's lap, and I hope the ones I have loved are also there to witness it.  I pray they are held.....the way some of us yearn to be; by our Creator.

If I died Tomorrow

If I died tomorrow
What what would they say?
That they always saw a smile on my face?
Because they never saw the tears spilling behind closed doors.
Quite consistently.
Those evenings when the  weight of life leaves me feeling small
As if my efforts were too meager.
Or maybe I'm simply being my own worst critic.
But I'm not alone.
Though I often feel alone.
Peace emerges when I look up and admit that God walks with me.
I don't always feel the peace.
But I always trust the truth.
Some days I find myself hoping to be rescued
Forgetting that I already have been.
And every day he promises to rescue me again.
Emmanuel.....

Perhaps I should work more on telling the truth.
Being honest.
About the joys, and the struggles.
Sharing not for my own sake, but to ease someone else's burden.
I'm certain we all need to be reminded.....
That we are not alone....

That Elusive Thing Called Peace....

I'm riding a trail tonight in glorious 70 degree temps, feeling inspired, light-hearted, and amicable. Some days I'm more proud of who I am, more confident in myself.  Contemplating the day behind me, I wondered at how at how earlier in the day I had found myself slightly annoyed with another person when I decided to bite my tongue and pray instead of speaking my mind.  It's funny how such small acts of intention can alter our attitude.  Although it wasn't the most difficult experience for me to navigate, it certainly wasn't an easy one either.  And while my face surely betrayed my heart and expressed feelings I was trying to keep a lid on, I kept my cool and pushed through.

It reminded me of a time recently when I had seen this on Facebook and decided to try the challenge myself:

It seriously works.  The day I tried it I found myself on several different occasions beginning to say something which might be perceived as complaining; and I stopped myself.  It took a lot more intention and focus to better filter my thoughts before they turned in to words, but I suck with it, and it paid off.

The motivation to keep it up poured into the following days. Until it stopped. Because I'm human, and I'm so prone to forgetting.  And getting distracted.

Like tonight.  Coming home with a song in my heart after a rewarding trail ride on the bike.  Only to be greeted by children who wish to tattle on one another.  Or start placing blame for a lost object of personal interest.  And after I tucked my little one in, only to hear him call out, "Mom!  Mom!  Mommy!" on three separate occasions, for 3 different inconsequential needs, the peace I had once experienced seemed not just minutes, but hours or days behind me.  And I forgot.

I forgot that when I choose my reaction rather than jumping on board with my every feeling,  I can actually stay more focused.  And walk away much more at ease, and happy with who I've been.  I want that, ya know?  At the end of the day I want to be proud of the choices I've made, and content with my place in this world.  Knowing that whatever impact I have made, however small, has possibly made a positive difference.  That's something I can truly live with.

Road Trip Day 11

"Fearlessness is the first requisite of the spiritual life."

~Mohandas Gandhi~

I awoke with a mission.  

1. Find a local shop that could help me troubleshoot my e-cigarette blues so that I won't go back to smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.

2.  Head to a local bike shop to pick the brains of the local single-track experts.

3.  Hot coffee.

4.  Lunch.

5.  Bike ride.

6.  Read from a book while relaxing in a hammock.

7.  Watch another sunset on Grand Traverse Bay.

Third time is a charm I guess, because it took me three stops before I finally found an e-cigarette shop that sells vapor cigarette supplies.  Mission one accomplished.

I ended up stoping at 2 different bike shops, with a desire for conversation that equalled my desire to learn more about the area's trails.  The staff at Einstein Cycles and the City Bike Shop were very helpful and accommodating, especially at the former.  They informed me that the upper peninsula is where it's at if you're looking for more technical, challenging, and rocky terrain, and a more secluded and rustic camping experience.  

 I grabbed a coffee and some lunch, then headed out to ride the Vasa single track.  The trail was a good ride, fast and sandy, but not so challenging.  If I had to compare it to the trails back home I would definitely call it a level 1, or a beginner trail.  In the midst of my riding my confidence began to pick up and I began to realize all my anxiety had been about the fear of the unknown.  And the fear of so much solitude.  I could recall the voices of different people asking, "Why would you want to take a trip like that by yourself?"  And that's all it takes.  Before you know it the doubts and fears begin to creep in.  So I started off my day king of dragging myself forward, pushing myself into the unknown.  Then I rode my bike.  It still never ceases to amaze me that a simple ride is all it takes to remind me that the uncertainty is ok; it doesn't have to be scary.  

Anxiety has been a long time companion of mine.  I think anyone who knows me well can vouch for that.  Sometimes it take a huge leap of faith for me to get past it and move forward.  I'm still not sure where tomorrow will take me, but I've got some ideas, more excitement, and smaller fears today.

Road Trip Day 10

"Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed."

~Michael Pritchard~

I set out for Michigan in the morning, with plenty of time to get to my destination before nightfall.  I arrived in Traverse City around 6:30 pm, surprised to find that the city is truly a popular resort destination.  So much for leaving civilization.  I wrestled with the idea of staying in a hotel for the night, feeling like insecurity and fear were getting the best of me.    I finally decided on crashing at Interlochen State Park when I found out the cheapest hotel/motel would cost me at least $100 a night.  Screw that noise.  Ain't nobody got time for that!  Well, maybe some people do, but after driving through Traverse City I felt like a poor girl in a rich man's land.  Throngs of tourists littered the streets and sidewalks, and a good portion of the vehicles driving around had canoes and kayaks strapped to the top, boasting of adventure.  Resort hotels that easily cost $200+ a night flashed signs of "No Vacancy" as I passed by.  I admit, their view of the Grand Traverse Bay was magnificent, but certainly not worth that kind of money by my standards of financial living, so to speak.  

I chose a rustic site in the state park, forgoing my opportunity to have a shower house nearby.  $12 versus $26 a night.  Some might say I'm cheap; I prefer to think of myself as being thrifty.  I set up camp as the sun started to set, still uncertain as to how many nights I would stay.  Struggling with feelings of uncertainty, I considered my next move, and even thought of leaving early and cutting my trip shorter than I originally intended.  I've been feeling less than confident, and not really into the idea of risk-taking on this year's trip.  

As the skies began to grow dark sat by my campfire for a bit before I gave in to my anxiousness and retreated to my tent to call it a night earlier than usual.....

Road Trip Days 1-9

"For fast-acting relief try slowing down."

~Lily Tomlin~

I guess I hadn't really given much thought to blogging this year on my annual trip.  In truth, I haven't given much thought to blogging at all this year.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I think about it often.  It's the doing that's been lacking.  I spent the first 2 nights at my mother's house, visiting some family and helping her start her latest painting project.  I left a day sooner than planned and made a spontaneous stop at the home of my BFF, in need of the comfort and company of a good friend.  My BFF and I still don't utilize restraint or discipline in managing our time together well.  In other words, we visited until 4am, only to wake in the morning feeling half hung over from the pot of coffee we chugged the night before, and the lack of sleep.    

Next I headed home in my dazed stupor for one more night before setting out to see my brother at his new place in Ohio.  Having not ridden my bike in a full week before this point I was anxious to explore the trails the Cincinnati area has to offer.  I rode the England-Idlewild trail system just outside of the city, taking note that "advanced trail" indications here don't refer to technical rocks and jumps, but rather more elevation changes and tighter twists and turns.  

Since my little brother is working for the Cincinnati Bengals now, I had the opportunity to accompany him to a team/staff picnic on the ball field while there.  One night we chilled at a brewery with his bosses and coworkers, and the next night we got to hang out with a couple of the players on the team.  What happens when you get a bunch of NFL football players and staff together after hours?  Too much testosterone I tell you.  It was battle after battle to the end.  Darts.  Baseball; in the house mind you, with a tennis ball and a child's plastic baseball bat.  Which lasted until the bat split into two pieces.  Which was better than physical injury to the pitchers; my concern at the time.  Next was a round of tennis with a racquet and aforementioned tennis ball.  Then a more mild round of Washers before the guys headed back to the dart board.  At this point I retreated to the sanctuary of the outdoors, a bit overwhelmed by all the intense competition.  The next day my brother and I got to ride a nice little trail system at Mitchell Memorial Park outside of Cincinnati before heading back to his place to relax for the night.

So far the trip feels like it's been all about socializing more than anything else.  I'm feeling a bit anxious to step away from civilization for a bit and head into the woods.....

My Prayer

My prayer today is that you show me who I am 

You tell me who you see when you look at me

Strip away my doubts and insecurities

Show me the courage within

Seep through me and around me so that I might rise to challenges

Casting off the words of others that echo in my mind

Until only your love resonates
I want to see the beauty and brilliance of your creation with a tender heart

Hold life loosely

While I cling to you tightly

Let go of the future

Same with the past

And live in the moments you provide

Knowing that whatever comes next, you will deliver me

Dear Friend,

"Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows."

~Helen Keller~

Dear Friend,

Letting go is never easy.  It's turning away from once was and accepting what is now.  There's often grieving. And clinging.  Fear.  It's a painful process of shedding our old skins, so to speak.

There's beauty and wonder in it as well.  We can't always see them through the tangled mass of emotions.  Until we venture close enough to peer through them. It's like approaching burning flames; we know it's going to hurt.

Sometimes the heart's not ready.  It pins you down.  Or paralyzes you in fear.  Or begs for Novocain.  And we relent; because which direction should we really go?  Which way is forward?  And how are we to know when everything feels so backwards?

We don't know.  And we can't know. And there's half the beauty right there.  For around the corner we may walk into more strife.  Or we may walk into joyful surprises and unexpected delights.

It's such a risk, this life we live.  The constant opportunity to make choices.  Will we stand?  Or will we fall?  We'll do both.  And we'll persevere......because it's what we do.

Peace,
Betty

Chasing Darkness With Light

Twas the week before Christmas, and money was tight.

I'd had many a tearful and sleepless night.

Worrying and wondering how I would get us through.

When it occurred to me that sorrows lessen when carried by two.

I lay down my pride and with tears in my eyes.

I began to share with others the fears in my life.

I rambled on about money and sorrow and stress.

I admitted that sometimes it all felt like a mess.

I spoke of the pressures of raising children alone.

And my desire to provide them with a safe and loving home.

Each time I poured my heart out to friends.

I could feel the sun light on my face once again.

The struggles carried on, as they typically do.

But the load was much lighter when carried by two.

Or three.  Or four.  

And then there were more.

Because some friends shared my plight with friends of their own.

And letters started arriving with senders unknown.

Blank pages.  No words.  Wrapped 'round a monetary treasure.

I was bestowed with great love that could not be measured.

I had peace in my heart as I tucked my kids in.

It was becoming easier to hope once again.

I'm grateful for the money that paid up our bills.

And more grateful for sharing the tears that did spill.

I shared them with my daughter as I spoke of God and prayer.

And the willingness of people to reach out and show they care.

We can choose to lean on others, or walk about and mope.

It's a risk to be vulnerable, but it also inspires hope.

Appreciative and humbled, I thanked God above.

Though we may live a simple life, we sure are rich with love.

Of all the treasures we could have, love is the one I truly cherish.

Everything else could be stripped away, but love.....it will never perish.

When darkness comes knocking upon your door, I'll tell you just what to do.

Embrace it with hugs and tears and truth.....and let me be there for you.

Rising Above

It was a beautiful day.  It started with a two hour bike ride at 9:30 a.m. in 20 degree weather with a light snow falling softly from the treetops as we hit a beloved trail in the woods.  I can't think of a better way to start my day.  I feel like falling in love with my bike all over again.  I just picked up a part-time gig at a local bicycle shop.  I've been over the top excited for weeks for my first day of work to arrive.

I wasn't disappointed.  And every day it just keeps getting better.  I work with a great crew, I get to learn as much as I want about everything bikes, and I get to talk to people about bikes all day long!  It's a bike lover's heaven.  It's lifting me out of my fog and reminding me to hope for all that is to come.

I've had some days recently when the only things  I could seem to focus on were all the things I don't have.  Rather than all that I do.  Stuck in that place it felt as though I couldn't reach too high for hope.  Just like every time before, I began to choose hope again.  

I've become very aware lately of all the leaning.  Me leaning on you.  You leaning on me.  He's leaning.  She's leaning.  Someone's giving.  Someone's receiving.  And it's a beautiful dance.  It's full of harmony.  Sometimes when you're the one leaning you might feel like a burden.   You're not.  I'm not.  It's all part of the song.  A new verse finding its voice.  Our stories wouldn't be the same without it.

Trials are always present in life.  If we aren't in the midst of them, someone we know is.  We all live with them.  With a smile.  Through tears.  Carried by peace.  Or shuffling through the uncertainty.  Today I'm grateful for the friends and family who walk, stumble, run, and fall through life with me.  Although the vulnerability we share can be scary as hell.....we share it.  And we rise above.  Together.

Here's a good example....

Dear Friend,

This is where I get to tell you how amazing you are :)

We all have break downs; we just don't tell everyone about them.  

Allowing your heart to become bitter and hardened is an option.  But you can also choose to learn to trust again.  Much easier said than done.  What has been done to you has left a huge impression on your heart.  Hell yes it's hard to trust after that.  But you can.  And it's a daily task.  Sometimes moment to moment.  Some days it might come easy.  Others it might not.  

Some days you'll have the courage.  Some days you won't.  

And that's ok.

It's all ok.  

There's nothing wrong with you.  You're hurting.  You're scared.  You're vulnerable.  Not easy pills to swallow.  And sometimes in all of our trying and powering through.....the weight of it all catches up to us.  And we need to stop.

I'm glad you didn't leave town.  I'm glad you broke down.  Sometimes what we need is what we run from the hardest.  God is speaking to you.....otherwise your heart wouldn't be in knots.  I don't know what he is saying, but I know this....

One day you will stand on the other side of it all and know that all of it has made you a better man.

You are already such an amazing person!  God is digging deeper.  Matters of the heart hurt the most.  Some days it might even be hard to look in the mirror....

But you won't regret it.  

This may very well be one of the hardest things you'll ever go through. And there will be more too.  Loved ones will die.  Dreams will die too....

But in the midst of all that....new people and new things are born as well.  Inside of you.....and around you.....

And that is our hope.  That all things will be made new.  And they will.  Because that's God's promise.  

A break down.....it might feel like the end.  But it's also a beginning....

It hurts.  Like ripping off the bandaid. But whatever is underneath needs to breathe.  It wants to heal.  

What a beautiful place to start....

Fresh air.  New life.  Renewed hope.  Surrender. 

You are loved!  Just as you are. Not for what you do.  Because you're God's child.  He hurts when you hurt. And he never leaves your side....

You may be walking through the dark right now.....but he is lighting the way.  You will stumble.  He's there.  It will  hurt.  He's there.  

Keep telling him where you are.  He wants to have those conversations with you....and him you can trust.  He doesn't let us down.  People do that.  And then he teaches us how to forgive.

Forward Motion

I don't hear you speaking to me anymore

Maybe it's all the noise around me

Winter is approaching earlier this year

Inside and out

I know I need you

I catch myself riding waves of feelings

Living in the past

Consumed with the future

Rarely intent on the present

And calling out to you daily

Tears ready to spill in a split second

I'm walking forward

Yet it doesn't feel like progress

Just one foot in front of the other

Am I waiting on you?

Or am I looking the other way?

It's a fog

And I need a Spring day

A cool breeze on my face 

Brighter colors amidst the landscape

Or maybe just a new perspective

And renewed appreciation for what I do have

But a blooming meadow still beckons me

And peace becomes elusive

May We Always Keep Learning

It feels like I was just riding in triple digit temps with the heat index, and now I'm excited because I see days on the radar that say 67 degrees.  Base layer weather is quickly approaching!  I love the changing leaves in the fall.  I love the smells.  I love that the bugs disappear.  I could do without the cold!

I'm still trying to fit in a ride as much as I can, as I know once the trails get wet in the colder temps they won't dry out quickly for riding. There are more paved trail and road rides in my near future....
I wanted to take my daughter to see a movie this last weekend.  I told her I couldn't afford to get any snacks or soda to go with the flick.  She informed me that she didn't have an interest in going if she couldn't have popcorn and soda.  I was so pissed. I really wanted to see this movie.  And it seemed such an ungrateful move.  My mind raced back to my own childhood and how grateful I would have been for an opportunity like this at her age.

Then rational thought came back and I decided if she wouldn't go I would go alone or with someone.  I invited the neighbor, and told my daughter I was taking someone who appreciated the offer for a movie without snacks.  Then I told her she would be watching the neighbors son for free while I took her to the show.  Talk about being elated!  I got to see the show after all, with a friend and a bag of our own snacks. And my daughter learned a valuable lesson.

I guess I'm still learning those lessons as well....

Learning to be content with what I have.  Seeing the beauty in what's around me.  Choosing to live in the moment.  Being grateful for what I've been given.

Smiling about 60 degree weather.  Taking time to look around and truly notice the beauty of Fall sweeping across the hills, the woods, and the suburbs.  Finding and creating moments of laughter and smiles with my kids.  Working with purpose.  Holding on to it all.  And recounting all that I am grateful for.  That's a long list when I really think about it; one that pondered always leaves my heart feeling lighter.

Live Truly

Dear Friend,

Your phone call meant the world to me the other night.  I regret my being under the weather left me feeling like a rambling fool.  The truth is you turned to me in an hour of need.  Maybe you were prompted by someone else to call, but regardless, you called just the same.

There's something to be said about someone leaning in for a talk.  For a shoulder to cry on.  An ear to listen.  Words of wisdom when we feel suspended in the balance of life.  Both walk away feeling a sense of assurance and peace I believe.  A renewed sense of purpose.  Which only reinforces my belief that we are made for relationship.  That people need one another to get through.  We aren't intended to tackle life all alone.

Sometimes I wish I had more answers. A better ability to assuage the pain and confusion others carry.  But I don't.  The truth is, at thirty-three years old I still wrestle my own demons.  The battles never stop I suppose.  They just come in different packages.

There is something special to be said about those that step forward though.  Those who stand on truth.  Who step out in the midst of it all and dare to be honest.  To admit that we fall.  To admit that sometimes the hurt feels unbearable.  And dare to walk forward anyways.

Sometimes it feels blind.  Like walking around in the dark in search of a switch to turn on the light.  We stumble.  We knock things over.  We stub our toes.  It can be scary.  I too get overwhelmed.
Keep searching.  We always find the switch that turns on the light.  And we find it in the dark.  Because that's when we arduously seek after the light.

We are fighting the same fight you and I.  The search for truth.  The unveiling of beauty in the midst of pain.  Peeling back the scars of the past and attempting to walk firmly in the present.
Somedays you'll walk with confidence.  Other days you'll stumble.  You want a useful tip?  Love yourself in the midst of it all.  Love yourself when you falter.  And love yourself the same when you soar.  Because true love is not conditional.  And you deserve love that's pure and lovely and kind.  And when you learn to love yourself in such a way, your ability to love others will grow as well.

Believe that you deserve love and truth and respect.  And when others say or do things that lead you to believe otherwise; keep your eyes forward.  Hold tight to hope and the beauty that is within you.  Because it's there.  It never subsides.  Sometimes we just allow it to shrink.  But when you hold it fiercely......it regains it's strength, and it grows.

I told someone once that when I ride my bike I often tell myself my bike is made to handle the trails I ride.  That friend told me he reminds himself the trails were made to be ridden.  We were both right.  This life was created to be journeyed through.  And we are equipped to take on the journey.  There will always be peaks.  And plenty of valleys as well.  You'll traverse all of them you encounter.  The good times and the sad....they'll ebb and flow.  And the light within you will keep you afloat.  Because you were made for this.  We all were.  And we are in this together.  And there's no such thing as alone.

Persevere.  And hold tight.  Experience the beauty.  Experience the pain.  And you will be able to honestly say......"I truly lived......"

Peace,
Betty

I Hurt When You Hurt.....

My daughter came home from cheer practice today in a more somber mood than usual.  She announced that her first football game is tomorrow, and she isn’t the least bit excited to cheer there.  This is coming from the young girl who has perpetually walked around clapping and cheering since she made the team.  So I asked her why and she told me there’s a girl in her group that has been telling other students at school that she’s terrible at cheerleading.

Now I know I can’t protect my kids from everything.  Sometimes I feel like I can hardly protect them from a lot of shit.  But you would have to know my daughter….

She truly struggles to step out of her shell.  Away from her comfort zone.  When she told me she was trying out for the cheer team I knew this could be a great thing for her.  And I was so proud of her just for trying, regardless of whether she made the team or not.  Then not only did she make the team, she was also told she would be a flyer.  These are the girls who get tossed around during stunts.  Yes!  I was stoked!  I knew she was a bit scared, but once again….I knew this would be great for her.

And now all the enthusiasm she’s had all summer for cheering….well it’s been stepped all over by some other young girl who is supposed to be a part of the same team. 

My heart coursed through a myriad of emotions; anger, sadness, empathy, sympathy, grief.  I know kids can be cruel.  But it feels like my daughter has been the target of so much of the cruelty.  She’ll be the first to tell you she’s not one of the “popular” kids.  I tell her that’s a good thing.  It’s better to be true to yourself than to try to be someone everyone will like. 

I hear about things like this going on and I want to stand up for the underdog.  I want to come up with some creative idea to teach people that our words and actions can have such a deep impact on the people we take them out on.  I want to stare someone in the face and let them know that I’m not going to back down.  I want to scream.  I want to take a time out.  And I want to hold my daughter in my arms while she cries….and tell her that everything’s going to be alright.  That she is loved.  And that she is so much more special than the world is going to make her feel sometimes…..

We all are.  And we all grow weary from the people and things that break us down.  I hope to teach my kids that when they feel like lying down; when they feel like retaliating, they can take that energy, that pain, and use it for something good.  They can believe in who they are.  They can learn when to walk away.  And when to stand their ground.   And I’ll love them every step of the way.