Identity

This morning, my son locked us out of the house. Actually, it's the second day in a row he has locked us out of the house. Fortunatley, I have found a way to let us in. I think that's the part that fascinates him the most. Along with pulling one over on mom. I'm sure that one ranks pretty high up there as well. Then, while I was getting dressed he dumped half a box of cocoa crispies out on the living room floor. I was trying to get ready to go run some errands, so in my state of exasperation I left them on the floor to sweep up as soon as we get back.
We get back home and I can see that the cat has discovered the spools of thread I left out in the living room. This is one of his favorite passtimes. I don't know how he does it. The thread is wound through and around toys in the living room. It's a nice little tangled web of half of my brand new spool. I have many roles, and playing maid is probably my least favorite. My daughter is staying with my mother for 2 weeks, and my son is only big enough to help make a bigger mess of a lot of things.
So, I decided to come out and have a cigarette and write a blog. The mess will be waiting for me when I come back in. A slightly bigger mess since I had to walk over the cereal twice when I got home.
On a slightly more serious note...
In the midst of conversation with someone the other day, I was told that I needed to trust myself. This is a slightly new concept for me. For years I thought I trusted myself, only to discover in recent years that I had greatly deceived myself. I started to become aware that I had been trained in a sense, to place the needs of others' before my own. I'm not certified to make this remark, but having taken a diagnostics course in the counseling program, I would be inclined to give my father the diagnosis of a Narcissitic Personality Disorder. It's typical for a person growing up in this environment to struggle with being true to him or herself as an adult.
My recent awareness of this makes the entire concept new to me in different ways every day. I feel enlightened and liberated more and more all the time. I'm still in the midst of it though, so there are times when it is definitely a struggle for me to navigate through feelings and discover what I really want or need to care for me.
The challenge is worth the reward. Through life I've traveled, learning lessons, and never losing hope. I've been shaken. Others have tried to snuff out my flame, yet I've persisted. Some would call me a survivor; but I'm just tired and weary of labels.
These days I prefer my own ideals, freedom from the past, aside from the wisdom it has given me.