Commitment

A friend of mine sent me a text today and told me to listen to a song by Casting Crowns titled "Just Another Birthday." I listened. I cried. I cried not only because of the implication of the song in my daughter's life, but because of how it applied to my own life as well. The song speaks to the woman or girl who is fatherless. It speaks of the yearning for that father figure and the emptiness and pain that resides in a persons heart as a result. I thought of the many conversations I've had with my daughter; tough conversations. I remembered when the intensity and frequency of these conversations picked up. She was in kindergarten. She came home from school one day talking about a loose tooth. She had shared this experience with another classmate who told her she should go home and have her father help her remove the tooth. Her own father's suggestion was tying a string to the tooth, tying the other end of the string to a doorknob, and slamming the door to quickly remove the tooth. My daughter then asked me, "But I don't have a dad. So what do I do?"

This was only the beginning of many conversations a mother never dreams of having to have with her child. Conversations that while so important and meaningful, are also heart-wrenching and painfully reflective. These talks have often led to enlightenment, disappointment, broken-heartedness, joy, and anger. While I get to experience the powerful bond such conversations create, I also get to shoulder the weight of the unpleasantries as well. I am grateful that my daughter has been able to gain wisdom, insight, and empathy from her experiences, yet I am wounded as well that at such a young age she has had to go through them.

Next I thought of myself; fatherless. I was reminded of the lack of a father in my own life. I was reminded of my need for a father that loves unconditionally, continually, and persistently. This is when I cried. I cried recalling the many ways I have pushed that love away in stubborn pride confessing that I am strong enough to live through life's tough experiences on my own. I cried because I have known all along that my strength is not sufficient. I cried because I have become so accustomed to putting up the "survivor" front. So damn good at it in fact, that either people often don't see it, or choose not to speak of it because they know I will reject the idea.

Then I looked up at the sky, noticed all of the stars shining, and cried some more. The song continued on with lyrics about a girl searching for that love, and doing it in all the wrong ways. Then the song spoke of the day she realized she was held. She wasn't alone. Her father had been there all along, and she was going to teach her own daughter this truth. Again I cried.....because the song was telling my story. I remember a time in my life when I felt held as well.

How easy it can be to become so wrapped up in our longing that we walk away from the very thing that will pour into our hearts and ease the emptiness. I've spent many years doing this. I also recall when that started; my running again from God. I had been clean for several years after my sister's death. Then I decided I could drink. Alcohol had never been my drug of choice. Although I rarely ever drink, and I don't have much tolerance for the stuff anyways, I am now aware that it has contributed to the distance I have placed between God and myself.

My friend has never attended an NA meeting that I spoke previously of. I however, have been attending 2-3 times a week. I have conceded that addiction has still had a large hold on my life in ways I was fairly unaware of. I had considered these ideas before, but always tossed them off in stubborn denial. Alcohol spurs in me this disease of addiction. I have also been addicted to running; from God, from fears, from truth. I have allowed pain and anxiety to drive me to compulsion.

I know where I need to turn; back into the loving arms of Christ. I am not the person I was when I first found that relationship, therefore, I cannot expect it to look the same. What I can rely on however, is that I am not alone. I am loved. I am beautiful. I am forgiven. This time I want to learn to believe these things wholeheartedly. I will aim to commit and surrender.