The truth is that even if things had not played out the way they did, there is still a chance that I would have struggled to trust you. In all of this I have become very aware of my struggle to trust people. My struggle is not just with men, it's with people in general. There are most definitely barriers I have spent years building around my heart for fear that I will be hurt if I don't. I can see now that it is not a matter of my ability to see past and work through these things; it's a matter of choices. I have claimed that I want to trust others because I do. Yet, I have been unwilling to truly allow people to get close to me.
I have harbored this pain and built walls for so long that now I do it without even acknowledging my thoughts and actions. Not only will this interfere with my ability to be an effective counselor, but it hinders my ability to truly love myself and others. In truth it affects every relationship in my life, be it friends, family, or my children. This is not going to be an easy time in my life trying to come to terms with all of this.
I used to ask God to carry me through times like this, but I haven't been doing that for a long time now. I've kind of lost faith I guess. However, I don't think God has ever stopped carrying me through; I have just been unwilling to trust, acknowledge, or surrender to that idea.
I know I am made for more than the way I have been living my life. It is not God's plan for me to go through life holding on to my past and suffering alone. If I want to overcome obstacles, grow, have peace, and seek a healthier life for my children and myself, then I have to start facing who I am, where I have come from, and intentionally considering where I want to go; or more importantly, what I was truly created for. I won't be content until I can believe that my life has purpose, and that I am doing my part to see that purpose being played out in my life.
I think we spend our lives doing this if we truly seek growth; however we can also spend a good deal of our time and energy wrestling with this idea when we allow our fears to become bigger than our faith.
I have so many hopes and dreams, and all too often I lose sight of them because I am scared, or because I don't believe in myself. My weakness lies in justifying my actions and behaviors instead of admitting why I am really doing the things I do. It creates a vicious cycle where I continually beat myself up because I am not being true to myself.
I see you and I having a lot of this in common. It's probably one of the very reasons we have been attracted to one another; sharing these struggles. It feels good to relate and share things like this with another. However you and I didn't walk into this honestly trying to deal with these things. I had a friend say to me once, "How or why do you expect anyone else to believe in you if you won't believe in yourself?" Truth rings in the words of friends who speak in love. Truth that doesn't always make sense right away, but that lingers in our hearts and whispers to us until we see it for the truth that it is. He was right, this friend. I can't expect anyone else to inspire that belief in me, because I can't rely on others for what I need to do for myself.
I used to really believe that when I couldn't rely on others, that a God exists that I can always count on to love me and be there for me. Somewhere along the way I stopped believing that, choosing to focus on all the heart-breaking pain and suffering in this world instead of the overcoming of it. Ever since, I've felt pretty damn alone. And that kind of loneliness has left me seeking all kinds of other shit to fill that desire and belief.
Problem is, all those things are only providing temporary relief and false security. If I don't face these things I am going to grow bitter and look back one day and think, "Damn. I had one life to live.....and I wasted it." I don't want that. I want more. And I believe I can have more than that. And I believe that you can too.
I forgive you for all the poor choices you have made. I forgive you for the things you have done that you still beat yourself up for. I hope that you can forgive yourself. And I am asking for forgiveness for all of the hurt I have caused you as well. And I have hope that out of all of this suffering, that you and I will both find healing; that we will use it to grow wisdom and integrity and character in ourselves. Because we can allow life's trials to kill us slowly on the inside, or we can allow them to grow more tenderness and love in our hearts.
I'll never forget you.
Betty
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