What You Have Done To Me

I can go 3 or 4 years at a time without a single date. Dating washes up so many fears as a result of my past, that it hardly seems worth it.
My daughter begs me to go to the pool with her and I cringe. I can't stand the thought of men looking at me in a swimsuit. It feels dirty because it's the way you used to look at me as well.
If a man makes a sexual comment towards me in many settings I freeze, terrified, and feel unable to tell him to stop. It's as if I feel that I have to take it.
I'm afraid that if a man really gets to know me he's not going to like me; as if I won't measure up. Perhaps this is because nothing I did was ever good enough to earn your love.
Trusting others is an immense struggle.
For this I can thank you: When I see others being subjected to injustice and cruelty I want to stand tall and firm and be a voice/support for them.
Sometimes the weight of my past wounds that are still so fresh from a lack of healing weighs so heavy on me I can hardly get myself to push through the day.
If I raise my voice at my children in anger I feel so guilt ridden and full of self-contempt that the rest of my day seems to sour. I hate thinking I might be anything like you.
Even sex, something that God has created as a beautiful and sacred experience for a husband and wife, has little allure for me as I see myself as tainted by you.
Male friends will make jokes and I often fear their intent/meaning, and all I can do is cringe and hope they have no sexual thoughts or ideas driving their words.
I fear that I am unlovable.
I am a woman now though; no longer a child. I cannot change the past I have endured. I cannot blame you as I walk into my future. I can only pray for healing. I can inspire the change I wish to see in myself. You will no longer have any power over me. I will continually ask God to heal these open wounds and return to me the innocence that was stolen. This will be my new daily prayer.