A Walk Back Through Time

When I decided to write this blog, I also decided to use psuedonyms for all parties. I had a reason for this. The biggest reason has really surfaced lately though. I have thought often about writing a memoir. Then I have thought; I'll have to wait until my father dies because people are not aware of the truths I know about him. Just this week all of that thinking has come full circle. He proposed to the woman he has been dating for the last 8 months. I snapped. A flood of memories began to wash over me, and I was blown over by the power of the past. I began to feel sick that I had let things go on this long. I came forward. I shared many wretched details of my childhood with her. I told her that I cannot stand to see history repeat itself all because I have been silent. I switch between feelings of terror because of what I have admitted, and feelings of liberation because I feel that I have cut many of the disturbing ties that have binded me.
I have confronted my perpetrator and told him that he no longer has power over me. I have also opened a flood-gate of memories. It has taken much counseling for me to admit that I was sexually abused growing up. The physical, verbal, and emotional abuses where much easier to label. I have finally given voice to the young girl inside of me that has been dying to be free for far too long.
I have done the right thing, and yet I have to keep reminding myself of that. Our family stands divided, some agreeing with my decision, and others claiming they will never speak to me again for dragging up the past. What they do not see is that it has never really been my past. It has been a present hell to me. It has been a daily battle with myself, my heart, and my world. I have felt dirty, tainted, ashamed, undeserving of love, and unable to say no to many new experiences of abuse. As always, I really don't know what the future holds, but I know that I am still trekking down a long road of recovery. Our journeys of healing are never without pain, but I know they are the key to a healthy future. Healthy. Ah, and to think that my children might truly understand what that word means.