Father

Father
That word echoes with emptiness in my heart
Any trace of you left in me
Tonight I will it away
I see myself today
Full of insecurities
Afraid to be true to me
Because I was never allowed to
I see your face when lips that want to speak
Freeze and say nothing
Just silence
Inside lives a little girl
She thrashes about
Smashing walls
Screaming
Punching the air
Crying
Holding her chest as if the very act might keep her heart alive
And yet here I am
On the outside
The one everyone sees
Clever trick
This game you have made of life
We protect your secrets
You show us love
What if I don't want to play anymore?
Why have I protected you?
Why have I played along?
I don't want to keep your secrets
I don't even want the memories
I'd like to give them back as well
But I can't
So here they stay
Etched in my memory
Lingering like ghosts
While you march forward
Like a beautiful new beginning is on the horizon
Where is my new beginning?
Where is my horizon?
I face the journey of pain back through time
and you just waltz right into the future?
I haven't decided yet if I will ever speak to you again
I'm not pushing myself to make a decision either
No more games
Just life
My new life
I'm not sure you fit in it anymore
I've been asking myself for awhile now if you ever did
Where is my apology?
Keep your pretense
Carry it with you in your new life if you want
I can't pretend anymore
My soul has grown too weary from the pressure
I'm going to dust myself off now
I'm standing
To walk my own way