Road Trip Day Ten

"There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light.

In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right.

And it comes in black and it comes in white.

And I'm frightened by those who don't see it."

~The Avett Brothers, Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise~

August 7th, 2013

I woke up again around 8:30am, feeling like I've had some sort of internal alarm set on this entire trip.  Matt was kind enough to open two different MRE's in order to find me some instant coffee for breakfast.  God bless his gracious soul!  My bag of Dunkin' Donuts coffee had run out the morning before. After two cups I started to feel like a human again.  We spent the morning around the fire visiting, the time feeling bittersweet.  Even though I felt like I was trying to hold onto every moment to make it last, time still passed too swiftly.  Before I knew it morning had entered into afternoon and we conceded to packing things away before our check out time was upon us.  We moved slower this time and Matt gave me hell for having so much of my crap strewn out all over the place.  I gave it right back when I had all of my things packed away long before he had finished his own packing.

Even though the wind seemed to have picked up a bit, the air around us seemed to grow still as we neared time to say goodbye.  He made a remark that goodbyes are always awkward and I said that they don't have to be.  I wouldn't call the feeling awkward, but rather a space in between feeling connected and admitting it's time to walk our separate ways.  Rich and vulnerable.  I embraced him a little tighter when I hugged him this time, and he voiced my thoughts exactly when he said, "Damn Kansas!"  

"Damn Wisconsin!" I replied and we shared a laugh before we tried to shrug it off and get in our cars.  We drove our separate ways and I'm sure I spent at least an hour with lingering sadness hovering over me before the lyrics of The Avett Brothers began to wake me up to the beauty of the road again.  I was headed to my next destination for a bike ride and one more night of camping.  A couple hours later I pulled into Cedar Falls, Iowa and contacted my Skout friend Jesse to meet up for a bike ride.  They had gotten a taste of the storms I had come across on my travels, so we settled on a paved road ride instead of off-road trails.  We rode around the river, looped around the lake, downtown, and back to camp before we sat in front of a fire to visit for a couple more hours.  

He had rubbed me the wrong way from the start when he made several references to the fact that he was embarrassed to tell anyone he had met someone online from a dating app.  I told him I didn't see things that way because my intent on the site is just meeting friends and fellow mountain bikers.  And regardless your intent, what's the shame in seeking social contact through online networking?  I knew I was taking it too personally when I felt in a sense that he was ashamed to be meeting me.  That wasn't entirely true, but after a journey of stepping out of my box, I wanted to step away from him when in his perspective he seemed to be placing his own mind in a small box.  It was a confining feeling I wanted to hand back to him, because I wanted nothing to do with it.

I thought of a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  I meditated on that for a while until I felt the ice in my heart melt away and I could enjoy my present company.  All I can do is make choices and live in realities that I can live with myself.  Every man has to go to sleep at night with his own choices and the reality he can own and live with.  I wasn't unhappy when our time ended anyways, but I was exhausted and really looking forward to a full night's sleep alone on my last night of camping.  I decided I wanted to end the night in better company so I called up my buddy Matt.  We talked about how we'd spent the rest of our day, and I made sure to ask about Elsa.  I could tell we both just needed sleep, so we kept the conversation short and soon I was falling asleep snug in my sleeping bag, content with the sounds of crickets and wind blowing through my camp.