Instagram

Shutterfly

Stars And Peace Christmas Card

Visit Shutterfly.com for Christmas cards this holiday.

View the entire collection of cards.

The Real Miracle

“The miracle is not what you missed.  It’s what you were given.”

~unknown~

When I was a young girl, full of questions and emotions, unsure of whom to pose them to, I reached for my pen and paper.  I guess it’s not a whole lot different today.  Except I’m not as young anymore, and these days I reach for my laptop instead.  I’m still full of just as many questions and emotions; maybe more.  And I still feel scared and insecure when I’m not sure of the answers.  It’s ironic to me how our very strengths can become our weaknesses if we allow it. 

My persistence has driven me down roads of achievement.  The same persistence has also driven me straight into walls.  You see I have this habit of holding onto dreams and not knowing when to let go.  We all want to have it our way sometimes, and we don’t always fall down gracefully.  Myself, I like to go down fighting.  That’s when one of my greatest strengths becomes one of my greatest weaknesses.  It doesn't do a lot of good when you forget what you’re fighting for, or who’s fighting with you.

I heard someone say once, “I’m not as much of a quick learner as I am a fast forgetter.”  Boy doesn't that hold true?  When you grow up as a survivor, it’s the way you've learned to live.  And you keep living this way unless you find a new way.  I believe as survivors, we’re always searching for this new way. 

Tonight I cried out in silence to God, “Where are you?!”

What I heard was an echo back, “Where are you?”

It’s like I was asking, “Where have you been through all of the hard times?”

And he answered with a question, “Where have you been?”

He was right you know.  I don’t believe that God jumps ship when things get tough.  He doesn't run in fear.  I do.  I’m the one who latches on to familiar defenses.  I’m the one too afraid to ask for help.  A lot of people know when they need to lean on others.  And then there are people like me.  In my determination to push forward, I get caught up in the patterns of just surviving.  My prayer tonight is that I continue to learn new ways to truly live.  When my time comes I don’t want to be known as a survivor.  I want to be remembered as someone who truly embraced life.

A Story Worth Reading

After sitting on my porch smoking my head began to spin, so I decided I might be better off turning in early for bed. As I lay there in bed I found myself having some very introspective moments. You know the kind where you take a look at your life and the parts that really stand out are not the things you are doing, but rather the things you're not? The idea that I'm talking a big talk and not actually walking the walk really bothers me. That's putting it lightly. It nags at me, gnawing at my conscious thoughts daily, until I have these moments of reflection where I begin to really think intentionally, and see all the places in my life where I'm not living with the same intention. 

I suppose I have these ideas of the kind of mom I want to be, the kind of housekeeper I want to be, and the kind of character I want to embody. When all of these things don't seem to add up to what I expect, I feel the need to analyze. Some may call it over analyze. Although a lot of routines in life often begin to feel mundane and never ending, sometimes these mundane tasks beckon me. When they do, there is a great sense of accomplishment in taking care of the small stuff. These mundane tasks generally beckon me when I look around my house and realize that clutter and mess have taken over. When the house feels like a wreck, I often feel that it mirrors what my life feels like. I'm not sure if my messy life leads to a messy house, or if the mess in the house just makes my life feel like chaos. I suppose it's subjective.  

At any rate, it always feels better when I tackle a few of those mundane tasks. Ie., washing dishes, folding laundry, vacuuming, etc. Call it what you will, but when there is order around me, I feel a sense of order inside of me. I wonder if my kids feel it as well. When I look at it that way I long to stay on top of everything to give them that security. However, I have never been the best at time management, and I'm pretty damn good at getting side-tracked. 
 

This video captures my thoughts perfectly tonight....

Damn The Luck

I really don't care much for money.  I wish it was something I never had to think about.  Just the thought of bills and dollars and numbers is enough to make my head spin.  Unfortunately, money does make the world go around.  As much as I don't want to dwell on it, it is a necessity in order to provide for my family.  That being said, working for Ebay sucks these days.  Yes, I said it; I work for Ebay.  I generally tell people I work for myself, but when Ebay rolls out an ass load of changes to their site that impacts my listings, I feel like I just work for Ebay.  The man calls all the shots; I suck it up and take it in the ass.  Excuse my language if you will, but it's been a rough week.  With approximately 700 items online, I think of myself as a small time seller in the Ebay realm.  With that many listings online though, it hardly feels "small time" when I have to manually change all those listings because Ebay decided to add "style" and "country of manufacture" to their list of item specifics.  Now I get to spend the next week or two setting aside an hour or more of my evenings to change each listing to describe my dresses as sheath, pencil/wiggle, shift, bodycon, peplum, etc.  Doesn't that sound exciting? Who's cheering?  Not this lady....
On a lighter note, one of my raccoon friends came to visit tonight.  I saw him climb into my trashcan, and I thought I would give him a small loaf of zucchini bread.  I came out with the bread and stopped for a second.  I'm standing there, bread in hand, while the raccoon is rummaging through my trash trying to find leftovers.  This can't be an easy feat since I recycle, because a lot of our trash is rinsed and put into a different canister for recycling; which doesn't leave many crumbs for the taking.  So, I'm standing there realizing he has no idea I'm there.  I don't want to frighten him, so I don't want to throw open the lid on the trash can.  There seemed to be only one logical thing to do.  So I did it.  I knocked on the lid of my trash can.  Right away I hear a loud thump and see the lid rock upwards a bit.  Then the lid popped open quickly and out popped a very large raccoon.  Oh dear, it's not my friendly little raccoon at all.  It's the old, very large raccoon with the rotten disposition.  Ah well, I've already gotten myself into this predicament, nothing to do now but forge ahead I suppose.  I stepped back and showed him the bread, set it down near the trash, and commenced to walking back up on the deck to smoke.  Yes.....I confess...I'm smoking again.  *sigh*.
It doesn't take him long to finish before he waddles back up the steps and approaches me with a look that begs for more food.  When he steps back and hisses and growls that low, menacing, guttural growl, I realize my indoor only cat has snuck onto the  porch with me in all of his innocence and curiosity.  I quickly stand and try to coax my cat back into the house before he gets eaten for dinner by my not-so-friendly neighborhood raccoon.
Task complete, I set out a bowl of trail mix and set back to work modifying hundreds of Ebay listings.  Just when I feel like I'm on a roll, my front door opens and I hear, "Mom?"  Will I ever get to enjoy even a moment of silence?  Oh tomorrow, you can't get here quick enough!  I need a new day full of sunshine, where trails await me and my bike.  Tonight I'll go to sleep not with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head, but of rocks and trees and leaves and solitude....

This Post is for my Safety

Well, I had a friend message me this morning and tell me if I did not get back onto the blog to post I was going to get some kind of karate chop to the throat.  Or something like that.  Now, I don't really think this friend of mine has it in him to do such a thing, but I'm grateful for the accountability.....because I do need to get my ass busy writing again.  I've been slacking.  So dear friend, this one's for you.  Although you've been slacking lately too.....when will we ride together again?!?!

This last week has come and gone in a hurry.  Lots of bike riding, working, cleaning, and then my parents came to visit for the weekend.  It felt like chaos.  I'm really not used to all that extra noise in my house.  Or all the bodies!  I had to turn the heat down just because it felt so warm.  Now that they are all gone, I need to turn it back up because it feels cold again.  Imagine that.  I stayed so busy this last week that I imagine I have plenty I could write about, but not a whole lot of it feels like good story making, so I'm going to talk bikes today instead.

I've been doing some research on bikes, and perusing Craigslist almost daily to scope out deals on used bikes.  Problem is, at 5'3" I don't measure up to the average height of a woman.  Therefore, it's been impossible for me to find a used bike online in my size.  Unless I could be happy riding a Huffy or a Next bike originally purchased from Walmart.  That's a definite negative, so I went to the bike shop this weekend and took a Specialized Myka for a test ride.  They didn't have any 29ers in my size, except for one that had yet to be assembled.  The guy helping me said they would put it together and call me to come in and go for another test ride, this time on the Specialized Jet 29er.  I went home and did some more research.  From what I can tell, 29ers are not made for short people.  I'm going to go back in and ride one anyways, but I'm already feeling like it probably won't be a good fit.  I just hope that by this time next month I'm riding a new bike with front suspension.

Alright, so when I bought my camelback (actually bought a Bell brand sold at Walmart), I wondered how I would keep it clean and bacteria free.  No one I talked to seemed to have any advice for me, and the directions on the package seemed excessive.  I've come up with my own solution.  Some days if I ride and I know I'll be riding again the next day, I'll just put the whole pack in the fridge.  Otherwise I drain as much water from it as I can and then I hang it up to dry out in a manner that will hopefully prevent it from growing mold.  Probably once a month or so I will rinse the water bladder out with water that has a couple drops of bleach in it; not too much, or it leaves a bleach taste behind.  Anyways, for any one out there who hasn't thought of his or her own way to dry out your camelback to prevent mold, this is what works for me.....

And for anyone curious about my raccoon friends....I don't see them around much anymore, but here are a couple of old photos of my favorite furry raccoon friend.  He started showing up during daylight hours for a while; to make sure he got the good stuff before the other coons came around I imagine.  Just look at that face!