Self-Actualization

 Every morning this last week I have woken early and sat outside on the deck, coffee in hand, ready and willing to write on my blog.  Every morning I have sat with words in my heart, but none in my mind.  Between my feeling rather detached and distracted, my son also clamors for my attention, leaving even less room for words to come to fruition.  

I've been at this online dating scene for 1.5 years now off and on; more off than on.  This last week, after driving home from yet another date, I realized the time has come to remove myself from the online dating scene yet again.  Maybe even the dating scene altogether for a while.  Who knows, I say that today, and I might feel differently tomorrow.  What I do know for sure is that after several heartbreaking experiences where I have allowed a little room in my heart for affection to grow for another, only to have my hopes dashed, my heart is just not in it anymore.  

I feel inclined to say that I've grown apathetic towards the idea of dating, and I believe that feeling (or rather the lack of feelings) to be very real.  I've also felt a sadness seeping from the shallow wounds of recent experiences.  However, I think the more intense feeling bouncing around inside my heart is desire.  A simple desire to explore my own interests, goals, priorities, and wants vs. needs.  I tend to agree with Carl Rogers' theory, which you can read about here.  He believed that man, in search for self-actualization, will continually feel incongruences in himself when change and growth are occurring, or nagging us to occur.  This feeling motivates us to define the incongruences so that we might feel a congruence in our hearts instead.  Imagine if you will, a board balanced on a ball.  On each end of the board are more, smaller balls; these are the things we juggle in life.  As life steadily changes, the smaller balls shift, creating the need to continually adjust the balance.  This is life; there is no true balance, because as soon as we feel we have achieved it,  change occurs and we find ourselves seeking balance all over again.  

True peace, in my opinion, occurs when we embrace not the congruence, but rather the idea that incongruences will always exist.  We will never be rid of them, but we can perceive life on a continuum where we wrestle with them, and persevere.  Essentially, the search for balance will be realized when we accept the constant imbalance.  Then again, even Rogers said that man will never truly find self-actualization, because our lives are just the process....and as long as we live; the process lives on as well.