Perception is Reality

Almost 3am and I finally give in to the words that are beginning to circle around in my mind, calling me to toss away thoughts of sleep, and write them down.  I can ignore the words if I want to, but the consequence is my forgetting  them altogether, and a missed opportunity to process my feelings.  Neither of these ideas is appealing, so I often find myself writing during the wee hours of the morning while every dark window on my block tells me my neighbors are not infected with the writing virus like I am.

For the last week I've felt like I've had writer's block.  When I have felt the urge to write it's been nothing I've wanted to publish on the web.  I've been very aware of what has been causing the block; yet I've felt no great desire to face it.  I've tried to will myself around it, all the while knowing answers always lie within the struggle; they are not attained by side stepping.

I've felt so damn jaded lately, and my attitude has been a shining reflection of that.  Thankfully my thoughts don't always spill out before I have the chance to check them at the door.   I've been walking through one of those patches where it feels like one thing after another is not working out in my favor.  

I'm grateful for the simple things in life like watching a litter of squirrels grow bigger and braver every day they explore the tree in front of my house.  I'm grateful that when I'm feeling sour my son wraps his arms around my neck and tells me he loves me; oblivious to how much the joy he brings pulls me onto higher ground.   I'm fortunate to have people in my life that offer me an ear to listen, or reasons to smile, or a hand up when I need one. 

What would this world be if we didn't know we had someone in our corner rooting for, trusting, and believing in us?  Sometimes a bike ride is great therapy for clearing my head.  Other times it's baking.  When I owned my home, landscaping was healing for my soul.  I've also been known to spread a blanket on the floor, the deck, or the grass, turn on music that suits the mood, lie back, and pose my questions and doubts to a God whose replies sweep through my mind like a thought resembling a gentle whisper that is not my own.  

I feel deeply in my heart that were I being true to myself I would turn to him before reaching for anyone or anything else for guidance or relief.  Old habits die hard they say; and so it is in my life.  I find myself reaching for familiar comforts before finding myself once again realizing the peace I seek resides just on the other side of surrender.  Living so many years fighting for myself, fighting to make my own way, has inspired an independence which can be a strength or a weakness.  

I often say I don't do many things in moderation; it's either all or nothing.  When I'm giving my all, my passionate persistence inspires.  When I'm not giving my all, I sometimes feel frozen between the weight of responsibilities and the knowledge that I have what it takes to see them through.  This is where I tend to fall; giving in to the paralysis, or exploring other facets of comfort before circling back to where I should have started.

Thankfully every day and every moment I am free to choose, because change is constant and my perception is subjective.  Today I am choosing to look up.....