Quality Time

9/21/2012

I rather impulsively made the decision to take my kids camping tonight.  The thought came, I said yes, and we were packed and setting off in one hour.  The local lake is about a 45 minute drive from where we live.  We made one stop for some needed supplies, then headed out to utilize what remained of the daylight.  

This is the first time I have ever camped with my children.  Just the three of us; it's been a real treat.  The kids and I talked about the nice features we would like in our campsite, then they helped me choose a location that suited all of us.  When we arrived I quickly began to unpack the car and I sent Romeo and Juliet off in search of kindling and firewood.  I set up the tent, and while getting the bedding ready I was joined by my children.   Stretching out padding and blankets (I invested in some foam pad and a self-inflating air pad) quickly became a challenging task with my 3 year old rolling around the tent.  For the first time I can ever remember he is excited and already talking about bed time.  This is exciting news; let's hope it sticks.  

I help collect more limbs and sticks for the fire, and  get some nice flames going fairly quickly.  It doesn't take long to figure out we will burn through our wood collection in no time.  We do however, have plenty of time to make s'mores first.    Then we loaded back up to stop and pay our camp fees and head to a gas station for some actual wood and a bag of ice.  

My son rides through the park in the front seat with a map of the park.  He dictates directions while he points to spots on the map and talks about the places we will go.  He's so matter-of-fact, certain, and expressive.  Pair all that with his adorable little baby face and pretty curls, and what you have is a little guy who is so cute you can hardly resist laughing at his antics.  

When we get back to the camp site we get a real fire going, and we sit around the fire eating, talking, and laughing together.  My daughter is naturally inclined to be cautious and not take many risks.  I can already see that we need to start taking camping adventures and the like more often, as I can see the experiences drawing her out of her shell.  She learned a little bit about laughing at herself and letting things roll off rather than getting upset.  She learned about solitude and the inner strength it can illuminate.  I learned that she is eager and good at playing keeper of the flames.  Next time we come out this way (maybe next weekend?) we will make it a longer trip so I can take the kids hiking as well....

Wicked Witch of the Midwest

My daughter woke me up at 5:30am this morning to tell me she needed me to print a math homework page that she had forgotten to bring home and complete for school last night.  I dutifully rose from my slumber, sleep walked to the computer, and printed the pages for her.  Since she was already awake for school, and the bus stops to pick her up on the corner, I went back to bed for some much needed rest.  8am rolls around and she wakes me again.   Apparently after finishing her homework she decided to go back to sleep herself.  Since school starts at 8am, she was a bit desperate to have me get up and drive her to school.  I told her I would, and then she left my room and headed into her brother's room.  In her haste and anxiety I heard her getting upset with him for not waking up in a mad dash to see her off to school.  Her words are harsh and unwarranted.  Then I hear a toy being thrown in the bedroom, and my son begins to cry and yell at my daughter for actions.

I decide that the proper punishment should most certainly benefit my son and I this morning.  I go to my daughter and tell her I will no longer be taking her to school, that she can ride her bike or walk.  Her jaw drops to the floor as she stares at me in disbelief.  I repeat myself.  She asks why.  I tell her that her attitude and choice of actions are unacceptable, and her consequence this morning is getting herself to school (which is a whopping 1.2 miles from our house).  It's a route she has willingly taken in the past with friends, but for pleasure of course.  

She begins trying to argue her case, at which I repeatedly shut her down and tell her she needs to get busy walking or riding.  She is staring at me as if I might be the witch from the "Once Upon A Time" series she has been watching this week on Netflix.  I find that a bit curious, so when she tells me she neither wants to walk or ride to school I ask her how she plans on getting there.  I tell her there is a broom in the kitchen if she would like to try and fly.  Oh boy, now I really get the crazy witch look....but by now she also realizes I am serious.  She slams the front door as she leaves, and I step outside to blog with my morning coffee.

As I'm sitting down with my laptop and my heavenly cup of coffee, Spiderman comes to my front door to ask me if I can cut the tag from his costume because it is scratchy on his back.  Don't get the wrong idea here; Spiderman is a tough guy....he just can't stand scratchy tags on his back.  While his dad has been known to cut scratchy tags from garments, it's something I have refused to do.  My theory is that without the size tags, how will I know who to pass his clothes on to when he has outgrown them?  This being a Halloween costume though, and knowing that he will probably wear it until it is paper thin and no good to be handed down to any other little boy, I tell him that I will concede this time since these are not his regular clothes.  

Now I sit here typing again, trying to resist the urge to scratch all the poison oak bumps that have miraculously reappeared all over my body in the last 36 hours.  The last round of steroids had me feeling like a hormonal wreck by its finish, so I am determined to tackle the itch with over the counter creams and sprays this time.  One more day of this however, and I think my resolve might begin to crumble.  Even the wicked witch has to ask for help sometimes....

Perception is Reality

Almost 3am and I finally give in to the words that are beginning to circle around in my mind, calling me to toss away thoughts of sleep, and write them down.  I can ignore the words if I want to, but the consequence is my forgetting  them altogether, and a missed opportunity to process my feelings.  Neither of these ideas is appealing, so I often find myself writing during the wee hours of the morning while every dark window on my block tells me my neighbors are not infected with the writing virus like I am.

For the last week I've felt like I've had writer's block.  When I have felt the urge to write it's been nothing I've wanted to publish on the web.  I've been very aware of what has been causing the block; yet I've felt no great desire to face it.  I've tried to will myself around it, all the while knowing answers always lie within the struggle; they are not attained by side stepping.

I've felt so damn jaded lately, and my attitude has been a shining reflection of that.  Thankfully my thoughts don't always spill out before I have the chance to check them at the door.   I've been walking through one of those patches where it feels like one thing after another is not working out in my favor.  

I'm grateful for the simple things in life like watching a litter of squirrels grow bigger and braver every day they explore the tree in front of my house.  I'm grateful that when I'm feeling sour my son wraps his arms around my neck and tells me he loves me; oblivious to how much the joy he brings pulls me onto higher ground.   I'm fortunate to have people in my life that offer me an ear to listen, or reasons to smile, or a hand up when I need one. 

What would this world be if we didn't know we had someone in our corner rooting for, trusting, and believing in us?  Sometimes a bike ride is great therapy for clearing my head.  Other times it's baking.  When I owned my home, landscaping was healing for my soul.  I've also been known to spread a blanket on the floor, the deck, or the grass, turn on music that suits the mood, lie back, and pose my questions and doubts to a God whose replies sweep through my mind like a thought resembling a gentle whisper that is not my own.  

I feel deeply in my heart that were I being true to myself I would turn to him before reaching for anyone or anything else for guidance or relief.  Old habits die hard they say; and so it is in my life.  I find myself reaching for familiar comforts before finding myself once again realizing the peace I seek resides just on the other side of surrender.  Living so many years fighting for myself, fighting to make my own way, has inspired an independence which can be a strength or a weakness.  

I often say I don't do many things in moderation; it's either all or nothing.  When I'm giving my all, my passionate persistence inspires.  When I'm not giving my all, I sometimes feel frozen between the weight of responsibilities and the knowledge that I have what it takes to see them through.  This is where I tend to fall; giving in to the paralysis, or exploring other facets of comfort before circling back to where I should have started.

Thankfully every day and every moment I am free to choose, because change is constant and my perception is subjective.  Today I am choosing to look up.....

Self-Actualization

 Every morning this last week I have woken early and sat outside on the deck, coffee in hand, ready and willing to write on my blog.  Every morning I have sat with words in my heart, but none in my mind.  Between my feeling rather detached and distracted, my son also clamors for my attention, leaving even less room for words to come to fruition.  

I've been at this online dating scene for 1.5 years now off and on; more off than on.  This last week, after driving home from yet another date, I realized the time has come to remove myself from the online dating scene yet again.  Maybe even the dating scene altogether for a while.  Who knows, I say that today, and I might feel differently tomorrow.  What I do know for sure is that after several heartbreaking experiences where I have allowed a little room in my heart for affection to grow for another, only to have my hopes dashed, my heart is just not in it anymore.  

I feel inclined to say that I've grown apathetic towards the idea of dating, and I believe that feeling (or rather the lack of feelings) to be very real.  I've also felt a sadness seeping from the shallow wounds of recent experiences.  However, I think the more intense feeling bouncing around inside my heart is desire.  A simple desire to explore my own interests, goals, priorities, and wants vs. needs.  I tend to agree with Carl Rogers' theory, which you can read about here.  He believed that man, in search for self-actualization, will continually feel incongruences in himself when change and growth are occurring, or nagging us to occur.  This feeling motivates us to define the incongruences so that we might feel a congruence in our hearts instead.  Imagine if you will, a board balanced on a ball.  On each end of the board are more, smaller balls; these are the things we juggle in life.  As life steadily changes, the smaller balls shift, creating the need to continually adjust the balance.  This is life; there is no true balance, because as soon as we feel we have achieved it,  change occurs and we find ourselves seeking balance all over again.  

True peace, in my opinion, occurs when we embrace not the congruence, but rather the idea that incongruences will always exist.  We will never be rid of them, but we can perceive life on a continuum where we wrestle with them, and persevere.  Essentially, the search for balance will be realized when we accept the constant imbalance.  Then again, even Rogers said that man will never truly find self-actualization, because our lives are just the process....and as long as we live; the process lives on as well.