Missing You....

I had a good friend once tell me I don't do sad
There's some truth to that statement
Yet life can also bring experiences that make sadness unavoidable
Other times I have endeavored to avoid it
I might put extra time into work
Some times I bake
I'll work out more
Hang out with friends more
Many of my endeavors bring me peace and relief
Still others seem to feed my sense of sadness
This week I've missed someone I've never met
To say it, it doesn't seem possible
But it's truth, because I've felt it
It's like the compassion you might feel for a person upon reading his or her tragic memoir
Or the sadness you feel for a family when you watch their sad tale on the evening news
Except it's more personal
You don't forget it because you put the book down or turn the television off
You feel it pull on your heart strings
A lonely ache spurs thoughts of crawling into bed for a nap
While the same ache tells you to get out of the house and do something
Anything
Meditation and reflection seem pertinent for growth
Yet they are the very things wearing me out
I have thoughts of wondering what I might have done differently
Then reason, experience and love walk in and remind me that dwelling on such thoughts robs me of my confidence and security
That's when I kick myself into action, turn my eyes to my priorities, and will myself to engage in life
Tonight it was window shopping
Then purchasing some new music
A bike ride on my favorite trek out past the highway and back down a secluded trail through town
There are two hills on this ride that are so steep the wind rushing past your ears drowns out the screaming of the locusts, frogs,and crickets
The perspiration on your face dries and you feel the stiffness of the salt left behind as you smile at the road before you
In these moments my heart pounds with adrenaline and a zest for life that leaves my sadness in the shadows

Rites of Passage

My 12 year old daughter had a friend stay over last night.  Her friend woke up this morning and came running upstairs in a panic repeating, "A terrible thing has happened!" Seeing that she had blood in awkward places I tried to assure her that a terrible thing had not happened.  I got her some new clothes, showed her how to use feminine products, and left her alone with my instructions to change.  When she emerged from the bathroom she was panicking once again, so once again I assured her this was normal.  She kept exclaiming, "I wasn't ready for this to happen yet!"
She called her mother, who didn't seem the least bit excited about the news.  I was surprised.  Here her daughter is going through a rite of passage, and she neither gets excited, or offers any words of comfort. I then told this young lady that I was excited for her, that this was not a terrible thing, but that it marked an exciting time in her life; she was becoming a young lady.  I gave her a hug and told her congratulations.
I know this post may seem out of place, or even awkward for some people to read.  However, I'm filled with excitement and love this morning.  Excitement for having the opportunity to celebrate this event with my daughter and her friend.  A renewed sense of love for the both of them as I watch them share in this new experience and all the emotions it brings with it.  Raising a 12 year old girl can be trying, to say the least, but days like this are a good reminder that life is what we make it.  And that life feels much more full when we share it with others.  I'm watching my little girl grow up right before my eyes.....and today, life slowed down just a bit as we all stopped to celebrate the little things and acknowledge that life is ever changing.  Although we can be resistant to change, if we shift the lens of our perspective and walk through the change hand in hand with another....our fears can begin to melt away as we learn to smile and embrace the new.

Today I am Grateful for....

Integrity; I'm thankful that when I strive to live with integrity I feel a sense of congruence; or being true to myself.
Clouds; In the midst of day after day after day of temperatures in the triple digits, I'm thankful for a cloudy day that smells like we'll soon be getting showers of rain.
Little girls; My daughter had a friend stay the night last night.  Watching the two of them play together is a joy.  Her friend is autistic; highly functioning.  I see my daughter learn so much about relationships, love, and compassion when she plays with this friend.  I'm grateful she has such a loyal friend, and I'm grateful she sees her for who she is, rather than looking at her as someone who is different or odd like many girls at her school seem to do.
Time; Some days there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to accomplish all that needs done.  Today I'm grateful for the hours in the day.  I'm grateful that it's not yet noon and I still have many hours of the day left to put to good use.  I'm grateful that I can use these hours as I see fit.
Serenity Prayer; "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  I'm grateful for these words and the truth they inspire.

Something New

I'm going to try something new. I'm not always the most consistent person I know at sticking to a daily task list, but I'm going to give it a shot. I don't know for how long, well see; but I'm going to try to jot down 5 things I'm grateful for every day. Maybe here, maybe in my journal. I'm going to strive for daily for a while.

Today, I'm grateful for:
1. Victor Frankyl
2. God
3. Music
4. Suffering
5. Quotes

Vicktor Frankyl said that when man can find meaning in suffering, he can find a renewed sense of purpose for living; a renewed sense of hope. Sometimes I may dwell too intensely on my suffering, unsure of how to let it go. Victor Frankyl reminds me that the key to letting it go is to find the meaning. Superchic[k] says in their song, Beauty From Pain, that this is when we see God spring beauty from the ashes.
Khalil Gibran said, "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars."
So, today I am grateful, that although I may be covered in scars, they are softened by the salve of meaning, and each one has its own story of beauty to be shared.

Fear

I'm terrified.
I am afraid that if I let someone love me, I will disappoint them.
I will let them down.
I will hurt them.
I won't be perfect.
I know perfection does not exist on this earth.
I know my fear is irrational.
I know I need to let it go.
I know I am going to do these things, yet I struggle to fully live with them.
My hope is that it is in this place that truth soon sets me free.

To the Grave

I feel shackled today.
Tied down.
Locked up.
I turn my eyes upward and my heart cries out.
The Truth is supposed to set us free.
What if the truth evades us?
What to do when it feels as if the truth sits on the horizon, just beyond reach?
On a bike ride today I came across a doe and her two fawn crossing the path in front of me.
In that moment I caught a glimpse of heaven.
Nature breathes life into my soul.
These moments fill me with hope and a feeling of simplicity.
For as long as I can remember I've had fantasies of running through open fields filled with flowers.
Lying down in the wide open air.
Maybe under a tree.
Maybe near a source of water.
I imagine I could stay there all day.
Lost in my own thoughts.
Soaking up the solitude.
Opening my heart and mind to the truth.
Resting there until it alights upon me, fills me up, and quenches my hunger for peace.
I think I would do it every day if I could.
I found a place like that once.
In the most unlikely of places.....
A cemetery.
In front of my sister's headstone.
There I was able to pour out my sadness, my pain.
There, tears poured freely.
I would go there full of pain so intense I thought my chest might burst.
I would leave with peace.
I drove away with a renewed sense of purpose and appreciation for life.
But repetition tends to grow stale.
And in our humanity we search for new experiences to replace the old.
In our search we may walk straight into temptation instead of the deliverance we seek.
Temptation so sweet it seems innocent in our naivety and longing.
Once we succomb to it we find it to be a thief.
Robbing of us of our joy.
And then we are humbled by the light shining awareness on the path we've taken and on the places we've fallen along the way.

Identity

This morning, my son locked us out of the house. Actually, it's the second day in a row he has locked us out of the house. Fortunatley, I have found a way to let us in. I think that's the part that fascinates him the most. Along with pulling one over on mom. I'm sure that one ranks pretty high up there as well. Then, while I was getting dressed he dumped half a box of cocoa crispies out on the living room floor. I was trying to get ready to go run some errands, so in my state of exasperation I left them on the floor to sweep up as soon as we get back.
We get back home and I can see that the cat has discovered the spools of thread I left out in the living room. This is one of his favorite passtimes. I don't know how he does it. The thread is wound through and around toys in the living room. It's a nice little tangled web of half of my brand new spool. I have many roles, and playing maid is probably my least favorite. My daughter is staying with my mother for 2 weeks, and my son is only big enough to help make a bigger mess of a lot of things.
So, I decided to come out and have a cigarette and write a blog. The mess will be waiting for me when I come back in. A slightly bigger mess since I had to walk over the cereal twice when I got home.
On a slightly more serious note...
In the midst of conversation with someone the other day, I was told that I needed to trust myself. This is a slightly new concept for me. For years I thought I trusted myself, only to discover in recent years that I had greatly deceived myself. I started to become aware that I had been trained in a sense, to place the needs of others' before my own. I'm not certified to make this remark, but having taken a diagnostics course in the counseling program, I would be inclined to give my father the diagnosis of a Narcissitic Personality Disorder. It's typical for a person growing up in this environment to struggle with being true to him or herself as an adult.
My recent awareness of this makes the entire concept new to me in different ways every day. I feel enlightened and liberated more and more all the time. I'm still in the midst of it though, so there are times when it is definitely a struggle for me to navigate through feelings and discover what I really want or need to care for me.
The challenge is worth the reward. Through life I've traveled, learning lessons, and never losing hope. I've been shaken. Others have tried to snuff out my flame, yet I've persisted. Some would call me a survivor; but I'm just tired and weary of labels.
These days I prefer my own ideals, freedom from the past, aside from the wisdom it has given me.