Life is Not a Bed of Roses

I gave you many reasons for not getting a hold of you today.  There was some truth I was not ready to share.  I didn’t know how because sometimes I feel like I can’t make sense of my own emotions. 

Tonight I watched a TV show and at the end I cried.  Sure, it was a sad scene, but I realized I was crying for more than just what I had watched.  I was crying because that’s who I am.  The one who feels compassion for strangers.  The one who cries at the story that’s not even real, because I know that it could be real if it wasn’t just a story.  The one whose parents chose to lie when the dog or cat was run over; they would say the animal ran away in order to spare me heartache.  I’m not sure why they did though, because it never seemed to matter, I would still cry and grieve for days.

In the midst of my tears I almost smiled.  I was still crying, yet I felt love for myself in realizing that I was taking another look at who I am, and accepting myself.  In my lifetime I’ve tried really hard to run from me.  I’ve sought after individuality, and I have wanted others to see that in me and respect me for that.  All the while, I’ve given in to the notion that no amount of this individuality would ever be enough for me or anyone else to love me.  I’ve often felt like a fraud, because I wanted others to respect me for something I wouldn’t even respect myself for.   I didn’t feel that I could respect myself for it because so often it was a front; something to hide the little girl inside who still wanted to cry at every sad ending.  But the sadness never ended for that little girl, so instead she learned to stop crying.

Every time I’ve ever started dating I wind up with the same thoughts.  I don’t know if I can do this.  Then a fight or flight response kicks in.  It’s never ended well in the past.  The idea of history continuing to repeat itself makes me want to deny myself altogether, or beg someone to be patient while I figure out how the hell to grow past all of this.  However, I don’t want anyone to wait on me.  And I don’t always have much hope that this is a piece of my self I will be able to stare down and overcome. 

I don’t know what else to say.  And I don’t know where to go from here.  So once again, I turn to my vice; writing.  Somehow it never seems to adequately fit all of the feelings and stories into one page.  So I keep writing.  I don’t think I’ll ever stop writing.  I'll stop long enough to keep hitting repeat on this song I'm listening to tonight.  Music; it's good for my soul.

Laundry Soap

I'm making my own laundry soap! 

A friend of mine has been doing it for years....and she loves it.

And it's super cheap to make!

1 Cup Borax ( $3.38 for a box)

1 Cup Arm & Hammer Washing Soda ($3.24 for a box)

1 Bar Fels-Naptha Bar Soap ( $.97 for a bar)

All the ingredients sit right next to each other on the laundry aisle at Wal-Mart.  The boxes of Borax and Washing Soda will make many loads.....I bought 5 bars of the soap so I could just make some in bulk.

It makes a powdered form of detergent.  If you look online you can find instructions for turning it into a liquid form.  My friend tried the liquid stuff though, and said she prefers the powder over the liquid.

It smells wonderful!

This friend has a high efficiency machine (as do I) and they require a higher concentrated detergent.  She says you only have to use 1 tablespoon of this stuff in a HE machine.  In a regular machine then I would think you could use somewhere between a teaspoon and a tablespoon.

All you need is a food processor and a canister to store the finished product in.  Grind the bar of soap in the processor.  Then add the other 2 ingredients and keep blending until it's a nice powdered consistency.  I just finished mine.  Now I'm headed down to the basement to try it out.  I'm rarely this excited to wash laundry.  It's going to be a good day!  

Art and Leisure

I've always enjoyed doing artistic things.   Every since Christmas though I feel like I've been doing more of them than usual.  Lately I've wondered if I don't begin craft projects in order to avoid tackling responsibilities that seem daunting.

I have a friend who makes her own laundry soap.  It sounds like an awesome idea.  I can't remember how much she told me it ends up costing her per load, but it sure beats the heck out of what I have paid for Tide for years.  I was skeptical at first.  I've used Tide for so long that I was afraid a homemade detergent wouldn't smell as nice or get our laundry as clean.  She says that's never been issue in her home.  If I get around to doing it this weekend I'll post about it.  I'd like to start finding little things like this to cut down on some expenses and help me create a budget that's not only smaller, but feels more intentional and creative.

For now I'll offer some updates on some of the projects I've accomplished since the new year has begun.

Here's a wall hanging I made and gifted to my NA sponsor.  I don't necessarily enjoy spelling out all the details of what I do, but if I don't it never fails that someone asks me questions....so I'll try to answer them ahead of time.
I painted a square canvas with black fading into purple.  I was just going to paint.  Then I decided to cut pieces of scrapbook paper to glue on instead.  I haphazardly cut the shapes like leaves, quickly and without much precision so they would all be randomly unique.  I started gluing them on and then decided I would leave a blank space in the middle of them. I found a clip art image of birds and printed them and cut one out.  I taped it to the canvas, then glued around it.  I was getting tired of gluing so I decided to paint some much loved lyrics from the song "Someday" by JJ Heller.  Love her stuff.  Then I took the bird cutout and just glued it to the canvas.  I used E600 to glue everything down.  I think that's what it's called.  Then I brushed over the entire canvas with Mod Podge.  Had I done enough experimenting before hand I would have found that using a smaller paint brush to paint the words, I might have been able to make them appear less sloppy.  Trial and error.  I made one other canvas before this one.  It was a tree with some of the leaves on it and owls sitting on branches.  It also had the same lyrics painted on....even more sloppy and with a larger paint brush.  It looked more juvenile than this piece.  I already gave it away too, so no pics of that one.

I have more photos to upload and crafts to describe.....but I need to take the photos first.  I'll add them to this entry when I get around to it.  Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Writing

I bought an Anna Nalick cd a while back ago, but have only just recently become more interested in listening to it. I have this habit of ordering a multitude of cds all at once from sites like Ebay. When I get a stack of them all at the same time it can take me a while to become interested in some of them because I tend to get stuck on my favorites.

On this cd there is a song called Breathe (2am). Here is a small clip of some of the lyrics near the end of the song:

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

I started writing when I was 12 years old as a means of release. When I felt that I couldn't talk to anyone about all the emotions going on inside of me I would put pen to paper and spell out my feelings. For years I never showed anyone but my sister any of the things I had written. When my sister passed away I began to share some of my collection to others in my life. This was a huge step for me, as I was taking a risk I had never dared to take before.

The words to this song speak so beautifully to the feelings I often have about sharing the things I write. Starting a blog on the web was slightly frightening to me in the beginning. This was a portion of the reason I chose to write anonymously. When I realized that no one would generally ever read what I have to say anyways I felt more freedom to share raw emotions and experiences.

So, if you have something to say but you aren't sure who to say it to......spell it out. I assure you it's healing. Had I not started pouring things onto paper at an early age I might have cracked a long time ago.

how's your mind?

I've found myself very aware lately of narrow perceptions being cast all around me. Not towards me necessarily, but towards others in general. I almost hate to even comment on it here because I'm sure I have been guilty of being close-minded at times. Perhaps that's what I'm doing now. I suppose that depends on each person's own perception.

What I do know is that lately when I feel that others are casting judgement on others due to their own tunnel vision, it evokes something within me. It evokes a multitude of feelings that I am still trying to muddle through. These feelings range from frustration to annoyance to sympathy. At least those are some I have been able to put my finger on recently.

I think what stands out the most are the walls that I feel beginning to rise up around my heart at times when I witness these perceptions that feel so skewed and unwelcoming to any other ideas. I lose trust. Part of me says, "I'll remember that I won't feel safe exposing my true self to this person." So I make a choice. A choice to hold onto and not share pieces of me. This used to make me feel alone. Today it feels more like a healthy filter.

I used to feel that feeling of being all alone because I feared being judged, misunderstood, or wrong for seeing things differently. Today I feel confident in my awareness of self and the value of my own perceptions. Tomorrow might shake my confidence.....but today I am free to be me; and true to me.