Oh decisions....

I've felt stuck in this place for some time now with an immense desire to be genuine. I say that and realize it's been a life-long pursuit. For just as long though I've felt stunted by a lack of knowing the difference between being genuine gracefully and being completely uninhibited. There is a line between the two, yet I've been unable to decipher it. As a result I have allowed inhibition to take the front row. The consequences have been many. I have found it is possible to be myself while also playing along with others. It comes with a cost though; the cost being an internal battle waged with self-contempt for not being true to myself. I've spent many days lately in bed slumbering while my children tear apart the house and do as they please. My goal? Escape. The actual outcome? More self-contempt. Today I got up and once again began tidying up the house; a task that's never ending and seemingly fruitless. When I walked into the kitchen later however, I recognized the rewarding feeling when I glanced at all the dishes drying on the counter top. I dread the monotony of mundane tasks. I forget that there is joy in these accomplishments as much as there is in the larger successes. I wish I could say that tomorrow I will wake up ready to begin the first day of the rest of my life. The truth is however, that I've spent many years plagued by depression. So I know tomorrow may not be any different at all. I wonder at how much of my depression manifests itself from the roots of my self-contempt?
We begin these vicious cycles almost out of an innocence, completely unaware that once begun they take on a power of their own. The sheer force of these cycles feels somewhat akin to a natural disaster; deadly and out of our control. They leave us appearing to be moving forward while parts of our soul are buried in the past.
Try to walk away from them and you may just find yourself spinning with a new, yet strangely familiar chaos. Asking yourself who you are and what you want only to be shocked because you lack an answer to both seemingly simple questions.
Now what? Return to what's comfortable? Or forge ahead into unknown territory? Neither path will be without pain. So do you take the easy road and continue lying to yourself in order to hopefully convince others and perhaps even yourself that this is as good as it gets?