Erasing you

I keep hearing that you haven't stopped talking about me yet. I scoff at this idea, knowing how much time you've had to think about this mess. Not once did you try to call or write. Not until you began to feel the ground crumbling underneath your feet. You don't like the appearance of this new reality. Now you appear to be grasping for straws. I am not just an object though. I refuse to be your pawn. Now you grab anyone who knows and use them. Then you send them my way. I hear them speak and the words are not their own; but rather they are your own ideals. Nothing's changed. It's all still for your gain. It's never been about anyone else's best interests. It's always to glorify yourself. Why would I walk back to a place where I have never been allowed to speak the truth without living in absolute terror of the consequence?
I want to march forward and one day realize you have no more power over me. You play the victim if you would like. Underneath my anger lies apathy. Now you say you hurt? I remember you laughing in the face of my pain. I'm ready to make a life of memories in which you are in none of them.

Homeless

There's a deadness inside today
Feels like it's made itself at home
I have memories of the first times I ever invited it in
Never knowing that once invited it doesn't want to leave
That was a long time ago
So long ago that I can't really recall my life without it
Coping mechanisms
Tonight I'm lighting a fire to my past
Tomorrow it may stand in front of me again
I'll summon the courage to burn it down again
I'll become an arsonist until I am firmly planted in the truth that it does not define me
Then the deadness inside will be without a home

Oh decisions....

I've felt stuck in this place for some time now with an immense desire to be genuine. I say that and realize it's been a life-long pursuit. For just as long though I've felt stunted by a lack of knowing the difference between being genuine gracefully and being completely uninhibited. There is a line between the two, yet I've been unable to decipher it. As a result I have allowed inhibition to take the front row. The consequences have been many. I have found it is possible to be myself while also playing along with others. It comes with a cost though; the cost being an internal battle waged with self-contempt for not being true to myself. I've spent many days lately in bed slumbering while my children tear apart the house and do as they please. My goal? Escape. The actual outcome? More self-contempt. Today I got up and once again began tidying up the house; a task that's never ending and seemingly fruitless. When I walked into the kitchen later however, I recognized the rewarding feeling when I glanced at all the dishes drying on the counter top. I dread the monotony of mundane tasks. I forget that there is joy in these accomplishments as much as there is in the larger successes. I wish I could say that tomorrow I will wake up ready to begin the first day of the rest of my life. The truth is however, that I've spent many years plagued by depression. So I know tomorrow may not be any different at all. I wonder at how much of my depression manifests itself from the roots of my self-contempt?
We begin these vicious cycles almost out of an innocence, completely unaware that once begun they take on a power of their own. The sheer force of these cycles feels somewhat akin to a natural disaster; deadly and out of our control. They leave us appearing to be moving forward while parts of our soul are buried in the past.
Try to walk away from them and you may just find yourself spinning with a new, yet strangely familiar chaos. Asking yourself who you are and what you want only to be shocked because you lack an answer to both seemingly simple questions.
Now what? Return to what's comfortable? Or forge ahead into unknown territory? Neither path will be without pain. So do you take the easy road and continue lying to yourself in order to hopefully convince others and perhaps even yourself that this is as good as it gets?

Read while listening to: Christina Perri; Jar of Hearts

I've been reading a book loaned to me by a friend. It's called, "Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships." Well, if you can get past all the scripture, the story line is a pretty good one. Not that I have anything against scripture, but sometimes I do struggle to read a book that is engorged with it.
The book hits on a topic I've been pondering for years. What's the prescription for relationships? Or is there a prescription that fits for everyone? The key the book points to is that a person has be able to stand alone before they can stand next to another. We have to be right, or true to ourselves before we can truly do the same for another. This can apply to all our relationships; not just intimate ones. Since this master's program has started I have done a lot of self-evaluation. I've been led to see a lot of things in myself that I have yearned to change for what seems like ages. Every so often I get a burst of passion and want to chase after change. Generally I end up flat on my back while I am reminded that life cannot be taken by storm in such a manner.
I'm going to start again; seeking change. This time I'm going to try to go about it a little differently than I have in the past. Stay tuned for updates.

Haven't written about the kids in a while...

Well, last night my daughter had a Christmas music concert at her school. Throughout the day I had been contemplating the idea that with 2 children, and with them being so far apart in age, and the fact that there is only one of me; one of them is often going without my attention. Not that they need my constant attention, but one of them can have me so captive that I do find myself missing the opportunity to fill the needs of the other. Anyways, yesterday my daughter comes home from school and starts going on in a very dramatic manner about some boy on the bus. You know what? This boy on the bus has asked out at least 5 different girls and they have all said no because he is so weird. Then he has the nerve to sit next to her on the bus and ask her. When she says no he refuses to leave the seat next to her and, "Oh my goodness!" Drama, drama, drama. Where did this girl get it from? I know it's not from me....
So last night we are walking up to the concert at my daughter's school. I dread these things. Not because they suck, but because I always have to go alone, which can be slightly intimidating. Also because the age difference between my children makes this type of task a challenge. This particular night though, my brother said he would meet us there to support my daughter in her ventures. That's my baby brother; he's such a sweetie :) The way I see it is that if I need to take the little guy out to the lobby when he gets restless, my little brother will still be there rooting my daughter on. This way she won't feel that he is robbing her spotlight.
We're walking through the parking lot and my daughter begins complaining about the sprinkling rain. Oh my goodness, we hate getting wet! It must be the worst thing in the world; right up there with cleaning out the cat box or taking out the trash. Geesh. She's rattling on and I look over at my son who is wearing his monster rain boots. That is they have scales down the back and eyes and nostrils at the front. He is stomping through every puddle he can find, cheering all the way and exhilarated about the rain! My 2 children; they couldn't be any more different.
Once in my daughter is singing and my son has to potty. We take care of business and go back to watch. I can tell by looking at him that my son hasn't recognized his sister up on stage yet. I wondered when he picked her out of the crowd, how loud he would become in his excitement. It didn't take long. I thought he restrained himself fairly well, until my daughter told me later that she had heard him shout her name when she was on stage. Shortly after he became agitated. When would it be his turn to sing on stage? I finally nudged my brother when my son was practically doing somersaults in his chair. I told him we were going out to the lobby for the remainder of the concert. About that time I hear a noise that makes my breath catch in my throat and I look up in time to see my coffee go streaming down the stadium seating floor of the auditorium. I heard the lid, but all I could find was my cup. FML. Dear Lord, get me out of here before I have to make any eye-contact with any members of the audience, please.
Although my son can be fairly entertaining, the rest of the evening was uneventful by his standards.
Today however, I must have been in the other room, because when I walked into the kitchen what did I see, but the $175 DKNY cardigan I had just worn for the first and only time 2 nights before; shredded with my sewing shears. FML. Alright, so no, I didn't pay $175 for the damn cardigan, only $19 on markdown. However, that's besides the point!
Just a day in the life.....

Just stick a fork in me....

I should start this post by saying that my recent dating ventures have been products of an online dating website. Upon realizing that my current life filled with raising children, school, and working from home does not allow much time to get out and meet people, online dating seemed like a viable option. Pump the brakes. I'm not sure how long I've been at it, maybe 5 or 6 weeks, but I think it's about time to call it quits for a while. I've wanted to cry all evening. I feel like the word love has become so overused in our society that it has nearly lost its appeal to people. It feels like so many people now are just looking for something akin to an over the counter drug. Just give me a quick fix and I'll be on my way. It seems that no one really wants to take the effort it would require to acquire the good stuff. Don't get me wrong, no one confessed to loving me, and I am not under the delusion that I was in love with any one else. I just get the feeling people say that's what they want when no one really seems to know what it takes to have it. If it doesn't come cheap and easy....they aren't interested. Sad. It also feels a lot like rejection. In the end it all leaves me wanting to crawl back into my shell and go live another 3-4 years of my life focusing intently on my priorities while I try to bury that deep desire to engage in relationship. Fuck it all. Is it even worth it?
I'll spend the next week pondering that question. Perhaps I'll log-in in another week and have some answers to that question.