On Death and Dying

This is a topic we have been covering in one of my classes this week. In class today we watched Tuesdays With Morrie. I read the book years ago, but I had yet to see the film until today. Since reading the book I have experienced the death of my sister, so the story line felt much more personal this time around. I found myself relating to so much of the content on a much deeper level than I had years ago when reading the book. I reminisced. I felt joy, sorrow, grief, courage, and peace. My relationship with my sister was revisited, but more than that were the days following her death. I found myself wishing I was back home sitting on her grave. I remembered the days I would go there and cry. I would close my eyes and feel the wind and sunlight on my face. I allowed God to hold me.
Once again I experienced a sense of enlightenment as I viewed my life. I became aware of the many ways I become consumed by things in life that are not true to my sense of self and my priorities. So often I find myself waiting for that next adrenaline rush, that next exciting event, or sometimes even that next crisis. I can become so absorbed by these things that I am not fully living in the present. I felt like coming home and riding bikes with my children to the park. I imagined feeling that peace once again as I push my son in a swing and share laughter with my daughter. I was reminded of relationship. Those familiar feelings of longing and desire for quality time with those I love. Sometimes I long for it so deeply that I forget it's right here in my home. When this happens I begin searching elsewhere for it, slightly oblivious to the fact that my own children are crying out for it as well. If we look at what we have right here, right now, can we learn to love ourselves, our children, our family, and our own lives in a way that brings us that much closer to being true to ourselves? What kind of example would that set for those looking on?

Solitude and Being Alone; Two Very Different Things

I don’t believe we were meant to suffer alone
For a good many years I thought I had to
There seemed to be no one else to turn to
It took a great deal of internalized brutality for me to realize
That life does not have to be lived that way
When I ponder my own coping mechanisms
I can see that I still suffer alone needlessly at times
While solitude can be beautiful,
Suffering alone is just plain unnecessary
In solitude I often find myself staring up at the ceiling or sky
When I suffer alone my eyes tend to be shut
And my claws come out
I find it hard to "just" be near another when he or she is experiencing suffering alone
When another shuts the door and pushes everyone away
It takes a great deal of strength not to intervene
My heart feels torn in two
I sense that prying will be too forceful and unwelcome
Yet my heart sheds tears
Something deep inside wells up
I have to remind myself that sometimes all I can do is be present
When in reality I want to cry the tears they cannot seem to cry for themselves
I am taken back to my youth
I am that young girl who clung to the belief that no one should have to feel so alone
I want to give the hugs I should have been given
I want to be the shoulder I could never rely on
We were most definitely not made to be alone

Where's the Night Owl?

It's 9:39 pm on a Thursday evening. I'm thinking about heading to bed; not because I'm tired, but because I don't know what to do with myself tonight. This master's program is kicking my ass. I can handle the homework load; I work well under that kind of pressure. It's the material that's shaking me up. The application of theory in my life is painful. I have so many things I could be working on, and I'm not motivated to tackle any of them. I did cry tonight for the first time in I don't know how long. Then my son walked in while I lay there on my bed. He started body slamming me, making it difficult to stay caught up in the moment. Then my daughter walks in and asks what's wrong. Oh, I told her school was just really difficult and I just needed a good cry. All the while I'm thinking how the heck do I make this work? Do I process and have my tearful moments when I'm supposed to be studying? When I'm supposed to be working? When I'm supposed to be raising children? I thought I had this all mapped out. My master plan for juggling life is beginning to look like a school paper that I put off until the last minute and now find myself struggling to throw together into something barely legible. I know I should be able to make it through this, but at what cost? How do I rearrange my priorities and personal needs in a way that's beneficial for me and my children? And dating? Don't even get me started. Not that I do much of it anyways, but good lord! I'm not sure it would be wise to try to squeeze it in now, which means perhaps I might be married by the time I'm 40. That's comforting. On that note, the application of these theories is stirring up so much inside of me that I'm starting to think I may die before I truly feel that I'm capable of having a healthy intimate relationship anyways. More comfort. Oh blog! Please forgive my skepticism and pessimism, this week has not been one of my "finer moments."