A Time for Meditation

Dear God,
I've been calling out to you
But it's only been a whisper
I've been reaching towards you
But I have hardly moved to reach at all
I went to church last week
For the first time in months
As I walked my son to the nursery I saw a playland like those at fast food restaurants
In the church
And I wondered where you were
And I wondered where our hearts are
We come to serve you
Yet we seek accommodations to please the hearts of our children?
I heard a sermon
I felt a tugging on my heart
Yet I left confused
I still look around and wonder how much of You we really understand at all
I left to have conversation with a friend
I made confessions
I almost cried
I haven't cried in ages
Except for last night when I realized I had broken my laptop when I dropped it
Where is my heart?
I no longer cry for the fatherless children
But I cry over my possessions?
I want to write songs about Your love
But the pen is still in my hand
I want to pray like you are a friend sitting next to me
But I look over and see an empty chair
I heard tale tonight of another who shook with tears of conviction and appreciation at Your divine yet subtle appearance
I used to feel joy upon hearing such things
Now I feel only sadness and longing
I have been traversing these deserts for far too long
Is this Your plan for me
Or have I lost my way?
I'm asking you to lead me back
I'm begging you to take my hand
I beseech you to carry me
Yet I feel bits of my heart holding on to this loneliness instead
I want to trust You again
Yet I wonder if my idea of trust has misled me in the past