Unraveling scars

I watched “Letters to Juliet” tonight with a friend. It puts a smile on my face to realize that only a matter of months ago watching a love story left me feeling bitter, sad, and lonely. On this night, this particular love story reminded me that we are inspired by stories such as these for a reason. We long to be loved. We have been given a desire to love and be loved. You see, for years I have been telling myself that I don’t necessarily want that in my life. I have worked feverishly, compelling myself to believe that I have been designed for more dutiful things in life; things such as single-parenting, a solid career, and serving others. While watching this movie it occurred to me that all along I have known the bitterness I have felt is a direct result of trying to squelch the hope that I might one day fall in love and marry another. Somehow I thought disregarding these feelings might soften the blow of rejection when it comes. Why is it that when I fight my way through mazes of feelings that are all tangled up in a mess, I always find fear at the root of the chaos? I can pose that question, but the truth is I already know the answer. When a person has suffered through trials in life that have led them to experience pain in a manner that feels as if he/she were left bleeding internally, putting up a front feels like a logical defense.
It’s easier to tell myself I make choices due to my strength rather than fear. Easier in the moment I suppose, but in retrospect I see that I have only been pouring water on the fire God created in my heart for love and hope. Thankfully God doesn’t seem to care how hard we fight to put the fires out, He’s just excited for the moment when we realize that He has been rekindling the flames all along.
I’m grateful that someone knows what I need better than I know it for myself. Why, just tonight I left my car parked outside during a hail storm. Silly me I was thinking, heck I’ll take the money and pay off some debt. As baseball size hail starting smashing the house with an alarming ferocity I realized my decision had probably been a poor one. This was confirmed as I checked on my car when the hail let up. I’m not sure why I never thought my windshield might actually be shattered. I took things into my own hands thinking it would all work out in my favor. Now, I’m not sure what God has in store tomorrow, but I have an inkling the outcome might be a lot different than I expected.
I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m beginning to realize that I sometimes make decisions as I am compelled by emotions such as bitterness or greed. When I act on those emotions without allowing my love of truth to seep into my noggin, I might be inviting catastrophe into my life.