and this is Peace

Sadness has crept in tonight for one reason or another
Underneath lingers hope
As I contemplate injustice courage wells up in my heart
I’ve always felt a deep strength within in times like these
I don’t believe it is my own
I used to wonder what it meant
Now I believe it’s the Spirit of God
Calling us to live a greater purpose
Telling us we are not alone in the battles we face in life
Compassion surges through my being
It tempts me to ponder selflessness
I am compelled to pray
To a God I can’t see
Yet I feel him as the wind blows across my cheeks
I felt him as I turned the car around last night to watch 6 deer majestically cross the road
I hear Him when the laughter of children fills the air as I chase them in a game of hide and seek
I am intensely aware of a presence that is not my own

Not one of my finer moments

Fierce anger whips through me as I recall the injustice of watching one person emotionally beaten down by another
When I look in the eyes of the victim I see broken heartedness
I see pleading
Tears unwept
Confusion
Hurt welling up and choking them speechless
I feel like threatening the abuser
I feel like reaching out to the victim, even if only with my eyes
I want to tell him he deserves more than this
I want to tell him to listen to his heart as it cries out
But alas, I took the cowardly stance and said nothing
Only looked on with sadness

Unraveling scars

I watched “Letters to Juliet” tonight with a friend. It puts a smile on my face to realize that only a matter of months ago watching a love story left me feeling bitter, sad, and lonely. On this night, this particular love story reminded me that we are inspired by stories such as these for a reason. We long to be loved. We have been given a desire to love and be loved. You see, for years I have been telling myself that I don’t necessarily want that in my life. I have worked feverishly, compelling myself to believe that I have been designed for more dutiful things in life; things such as single-parenting, a solid career, and serving others. While watching this movie it occurred to me that all along I have known the bitterness I have felt is a direct result of trying to squelch the hope that I might one day fall in love and marry another. Somehow I thought disregarding these feelings might soften the blow of rejection when it comes. Why is it that when I fight my way through mazes of feelings that are all tangled up in a mess, I always find fear at the root of the chaos? I can pose that question, but the truth is I already know the answer. When a person has suffered through trials in life that have led them to experience pain in a manner that feels as if he/she were left bleeding internally, putting up a front feels like a logical defense.
It’s easier to tell myself I make choices due to my strength rather than fear. Easier in the moment I suppose, but in retrospect I see that I have only been pouring water on the fire God created in my heart for love and hope. Thankfully God doesn’t seem to care how hard we fight to put the fires out, He’s just excited for the moment when we realize that He has been rekindling the flames all along.
I’m grateful that someone knows what I need better than I know it for myself. Why, just tonight I left my car parked outside during a hail storm. Silly me I was thinking, heck I’ll take the money and pay off some debt. As baseball size hail starting smashing the house with an alarming ferocity I realized my decision had probably been a poor one. This was confirmed as I checked on my car when the hail let up. I’m not sure why I never thought my windshield might actually be shattered. I took things into my own hands thinking it would all work out in my favor. Now, I’m not sure what God has in store tomorrow, but I have an inkling the outcome might be a lot different than I expected.
I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m beginning to realize that I sometimes make decisions as I am compelled by emotions such as bitterness or greed. When I act on those emotions without allowing my love of truth to seep into my noggin, I might be inviting catastrophe into my life.

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,
I realize I haven’t written in awhile. My first reaction is to spell out the many things in my life that have kept me too busy to write. The thought that then crosses my mind is that I am likely making excuses. You see, I can look upon my life and see that I am often busy with work, raising children, errands, etc., etc. However, I also see a lot of time I do not use wisely. There are many ways I do this. The one that bothers me the most is sleeping. Now I don’t mean the 8 hours we should get every night. I mean the naps I take during the day. The ones I am often inspired to take after dealing with the tantrum of a child, or a glance at my current bills and then my bank statement. I also like to fill my down time with visits with friends or family. This is important, and it can be very good for me. However, I often allow it to be a large distraction from pressing matters as well. It seems I have a bit of a problem telling myself no at times. “No, your closet is already bulging at the seams and you can’t possibly have room for one more pair of shoes.” Oh, that’s a big one. I do love shopping. It does not serve well as a medicinal purpose for my bouts with depression though.
I have told myself that for the next month I will not engage in any more of my shopping sprees. Whether online, or in stores. Oh my goodness those discounted designer dresses are already calling my name! Oh dear blog! I know I’ve not been such a dear friend as of late! Now I am asking for your help! Would you please so kindly act as an accountability partner for me as I travel this road of “what’s in my closet is enough?” And the cigarettes too. They absolutely must go! I have 5 packs left, and they must be my last! Dear Lord! What am I thinking!? Heaping all this discipline on myself all at once! I’m just so tired of complacency. Tired of speaking of things I’d like to do and never moving my rear end far enough to accomplish any of these things.
I shall try and remember some of the many things that have driven me to this place of absolution; my health, my children, my future, goals, dreams, and so on. Alright blog, so I’m counting on you to help. Not just you though. I don’t want to burden you with all of the responsibility. I’ll also be turning to family and friends for support and encouragement. Please forgive me in advance for any hostility I may force you to suffer through. You know I mean you no harm. I am painfully aware though of the tension I am about to embrace in my life. My head sometimes spins just to think of it! Well enough for now! Work is calling my name. Until we meet again….
Yours truly,
Betty