That Elusive Thing Called Peace....

I'm riding a trail tonight in glorious 70 degree temps, feeling inspired, light-hearted, and amicable. Some days I'm more proud of who I am, more confident in myself.  Contemplating the day behind me, I wondered at how at how earlier in the day I had found myself slightly annoyed with another person when I decided to bite my tongue and pray instead of speaking my mind.  It's funny how such small acts of intention can alter our attitude.  Although it wasn't the most difficult experience for me to navigate, it certainly wasn't an easy one either.  And while my face surely betrayed my heart and expressed feelings I was trying to keep a lid on, I kept my cool and pushed through.

It reminded me of a time recently when I had seen this on Facebook and decided to try the challenge myself:

It seriously works.  The day I tried it I found myself on several different occasions beginning to say something which might be perceived as complaining; and I stopped myself.  It took a lot more intention and focus to better filter my thoughts before they turned in to words, but I suck with it, and it paid off.

The motivation to keep it up poured into the following days. Until it stopped. Because I'm human, and I'm so prone to forgetting.  And getting distracted.

Like tonight.  Coming home with a song in my heart after a rewarding trail ride on the bike.  Only to be greeted by children who wish to tattle on one another.  Or start placing blame for a lost object of personal interest.  And after I tucked my little one in, only to hear him call out, "Mom!  Mom!  Mommy!" on three separate occasions, for 3 different inconsequential needs, the peace I had once experienced seemed not just minutes, but hours or days behind me.  And I forgot.

I forgot that when I choose my reaction rather than jumping on board with my every feeling,  I can actually stay more focused.  And walk away much more at ease, and happy with who I've been.  I want that, ya know?  At the end of the day I want to be proud of the choices I've made, and content with my place in this world.  Knowing that whatever impact I have made, however small, has possibly made a positive difference.  That's something I can truly live with.

Road Trip Day 11

"Fearlessness is the first requisite of the spiritual life."

~Mohandas Gandhi~

I awoke with a mission.  

1. Find a local shop that could help me troubleshoot my e-cigarette blues so that I won't go back to smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.

2.  Head to a local bike shop to pick the brains of the local single-track experts.

3.  Hot coffee.

4.  Lunch.

5.  Bike ride.

6.  Read from a book while relaxing in a hammock.

7.  Watch another sunset on Grand Traverse Bay.

Third time is a charm I guess, because it took me three stops before I finally found an e-cigarette shop that sells vapor cigarette supplies.  Mission one accomplished.

I ended up stoping at 2 different bike shops, with a desire for conversation that equalled my desire to learn more about the area's trails.  The staff at Einstein Cycles and the City Bike Shop were very helpful and accommodating, especially at the former.  They informed me that the upper peninsula is where it's at if you're looking for more technical, challenging, and rocky terrain, and a more secluded and rustic camping experience.  

 I grabbed a coffee and some lunch, then headed out to ride the Vasa single track.  The trail was a good ride, fast and sandy, but not so challenging.  If I had to compare it to the trails back home I would definitely call it a level 1, or a beginner trail.  In the midst of my riding my confidence began to pick up and I began to realize all my anxiety had been about the fear of the unknown.  And the fear of so much solitude.  I could recall the voices of different people asking, "Why would you want to take a trip like that by yourself?"  And that's all it takes.  Before you know it the doubts and fears begin to creep in.  So I started off my day king of dragging myself forward, pushing myself into the unknown.  Then I rode my bike.  It still never ceases to amaze me that a simple ride is all it takes to remind me that the uncertainty is ok; it doesn't have to be scary.  

Anxiety has been a long time companion of mine.  I think anyone who knows me well can vouch for that.  Sometimes it take a huge leap of faith for me to get past it and move forward.  I'm still not sure where tomorrow will take me, but I've got some ideas, more excitement, and smaller fears today.

Road Trip Day 10

"Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed."

~Michael Pritchard~

I set out for Michigan in the morning, with plenty of time to get to my destination before nightfall.  I arrived in Traverse City around 6:30 pm, surprised to find that the city is truly a popular resort destination.  So much for leaving civilization.  I wrestled with the idea of staying in a hotel for the night, feeling like insecurity and fear were getting the best of me.    I finally decided on crashing at Interlochen State Park when I found out the cheapest hotel/motel would cost me at least $100 a night.  Screw that noise.  Ain't nobody got time for that!  Well, maybe some people do, but after driving through Traverse City I felt like a poor girl in a rich man's land.  Throngs of tourists littered the streets and sidewalks, and a good portion of the vehicles driving around had canoes and kayaks strapped to the top, boasting of adventure.  Resort hotels that easily cost $200+ a night flashed signs of "No Vacancy" as I passed by.  I admit, their view of the Grand Traverse Bay was magnificent, but certainly not worth that kind of money by my standards of financial living, so to speak.  

I chose a rustic site in the state park, forgoing my opportunity to have a shower house nearby.  $12 versus $26 a night.  Some might say I'm cheap; I prefer to think of myself as being thrifty.  I set up camp as the sun started to set, still uncertain as to how many nights I would stay.  Struggling with feelings of uncertainty, I considered my next move, and even thought of leaving early and cutting my trip shorter than I originally intended.  I've been feeling less than confident, and not really into the idea of risk-taking on this year's trip.  

As the skies began to grow dark sat by my campfire for a bit before I gave in to my anxiousness and retreated to my tent to call it a night earlier than usual.....

Road Trip Days 1-9

"For fast-acting relief try slowing down."

~Lily Tomlin~

I guess I hadn't really given much thought to blogging this year on my annual trip.  In truth, I haven't given much thought to blogging at all this year.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I think about it often.  It's the doing that's been lacking.  I spent the first 2 nights at my mother's house, visiting some family and helping her start her latest painting project.  I left a day sooner than planned and made a spontaneous stop at the home of my BFF, in need of the comfort and company of a good friend.  My BFF and I still don't utilize restraint or discipline in managing our time together well.  In other words, we visited until 4am, only to wake in the morning feeling half hung over from the pot of coffee we chugged the night before, and the lack of sleep.    

Next I headed home in my dazed stupor for one more night before setting out to see my brother at his new place in Ohio.  Having not ridden my bike in a full week before this point I was anxious to explore the trails the Cincinnati area has to offer.  I rode the England-Idlewild trail system just outside of the city, taking note that "advanced trail" indications here don't refer to technical rocks and jumps, but rather more elevation changes and tighter twists and turns.  

Since my little brother is working for the Cincinnati Bengals now, I had the opportunity to accompany him to a team/staff picnic on the ball field while there.  One night we chilled at a brewery with his bosses and coworkers, and the next night we got to hang out with a couple of the players on the team.  What happens when you get a bunch of NFL football players and staff together after hours?  Too much testosterone I tell you.  It was battle after battle to the end.  Darts.  Baseball; in the house mind you, with a tennis ball and a child's plastic baseball bat.  Which lasted until the bat split into two pieces.  Which was better than physical injury to the pitchers; my concern at the time.  Next was a round of tennis with a racquet and aforementioned tennis ball.  Then a more mild round of Washers before the guys headed back to the dart board.  At this point I retreated to the sanctuary of the outdoors, a bit overwhelmed by all the intense competition.  The next day my brother and I got to ride a nice little trail system at Mitchell Memorial Park outside of Cincinnati before heading back to his place to relax for the night.

So far the trip feels like it's been all about socializing more than anything else.  I'm feeling a bit anxious to step away from civilization for a bit and head into the woods.....

My Prayer

My prayer today is that you show me who I am 

You tell me who you see when you look at me

Strip away my doubts and insecurities

Show me the courage within

Seep through me and around me so that I might rise to challenges

Casting off the words of others that echo in my mind

Until only your love resonates
I want to see the beauty and brilliance of your creation with a tender heart

Hold life loosely

While I cling to you tightly

Let go of the future

Same with the past

And live in the moments you provide

Knowing that whatever comes next, you will deliver me

Dear Friend,

"Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows."

~Helen Keller~

Dear Friend,

Letting go is never easy.  It's turning away from once was and accepting what is now.  There's often grieving. And clinging.  Fear.  It's a painful process of shedding our old skins, so to speak.

There's beauty and wonder in it as well.  We can't always see them through the tangled mass of emotions.  Until we venture close enough to peer through them. It's like approaching burning flames; we know it's going to hurt.

Sometimes the heart's not ready.  It pins you down.  Or paralyzes you in fear.  Or begs for Novocain.  And we relent; because which direction should we really go?  Which way is forward?  And how are we to know when everything feels so backwards?

We don't know.  And we can't know. And there's half the beauty right there.  For around the corner we may walk into more strife.  Or we may walk into joyful surprises and unexpected delights.

It's such a risk, this life we live.  The constant opportunity to make choices.  Will we stand?  Or will we fall?  We'll do both.  And we'll persevere......because it's what we do.

Peace,
Betty

Chasing Darkness With Light

Twas the week before Christmas, and money was tight.

I'd had many a tearful and sleepless night.

Worrying and wondering how I would get us through.

When it occurred to me that sorrows lessen when carried by two.

I lay down my pride and with tears in my eyes.

I began to share with others the fears in my life.

I rambled on about money and sorrow and stress.

I admitted that sometimes it all felt like a mess.

I spoke of the pressures of raising children alone.

And my desire to provide them with a safe and loving home.

Each time I poured my heart out to friends.

I could feel the sun light on my face once again.

The struggles carried on, as they typically do.

But the load was much lighter when carried by two.

Or three.  Or four.  

And then there were more.

Because some friends shared my plight with friends of their own.

And letters started arriving with senders unknown.

Blank pages.  No words.  Wrapped 'round a monetary treasure.

I was bestowed with great love that could not be measured.

I had peace in my heart as I tucked my kids in.

It was becoming easier to hope once again.

I'm grateful for the money that paid up our bills.

And more grateful for sharing the tears that did spill.

I shared them with my daughter as I spoke of God and prayer.

And the willingness of people to reach out and show they care.

We can choose to lean on others, or walk about and mope.

It's a risk to be vulnerable, but it also inspires hope.

Appreciative and humbled, I thanked God above.

Though we may live a simple life, we sure are rich with love.

Of all the treasures we could have, love is the one I truly cherish.

Everything else could be stripped away, but love.....it will never perish.

When darkness comes knocking upon your door, I'll tell you just what to do.

Embrace it with hugs and tears and truth.....and let me be there for you.