Staring At The Stars

Some nights I like to lie out on my deck.  Sometimes on my patio bench. Other times on a blanket spread out on the deck floor.  I lay on my back staring up at the stars, usually with headphones playing an encouraging playlist in my ears.  Seriously; the name of the playlist is "encouraging." 

I ponder the stars and the dark abyss surrounding them.  I take note of the moon.  Some nights I get to observe raccoons or other nocturnal neighborhood critters.  But always I feel communion with God.  A yearning in my heart.  Questions rolling from the confines of my mind. 

And though I don't speak out loud, and no one speaks back to me, I feel heard.  There are nights I feel as if I wrestle with my thoughts alone; spinning my wheels trying to find a deeper understanding or meaning in a current experience.  The best nights are the nights I feel encouraged.  I feel content.  And like a gentle nudge I feel spoken to.  

Sometimes I  find it difficult to make decisions or make sense of my feelings.  Other times, I just know.  An urge, a simple word or phrase.  I feel inclined to look up; acknowledge my maker.  And acknowledge that I am but one soul in a world of millions. It humbles me.  I also feel loved; because I am heard in a sea of so many.  I am heard even when I wrestle with the idea that I am made for more than the way I am living life day by day.

A familiar struggle I wrestle with is that very idea.  I feel like I am made for more.  Yet what I give to life does not always feel genuine or true.  It pains me to become aware of my own selfish behaviors.  It also opens doors of opportunity for growth and change.  The process doesn't feel simple as it requires honesty and vulnerability, which can leave the heart feeling raw.

This is where grace and mercy step in.  And I wrestle with them as well.  I wrestle with the idea that I deserve them sometimes.  And yet my faith tells me they are free.  No strings attached.  Gifts.  Just dare to believe; and they are mine.  Dare to trust, and I'll find redemption.  Not because of what I do, but because of what has been done for me by Christ Jesus.  

It's not an easy thing to wrap my mind around.  And I know I don't understand it all.  But I do know I feel loved because of his story.  I feel love more than I have ever felt it given to me by any person in my life.  It inspires me.  It encourages me to live; truly live.  And it fills me with so much love I want to share it with others.  I want to give it away with a simple smile, a friendly conversation, and a tender heart.  I want to love others as I have felt loved.  It's genuine.  And  it's what I was made for.  I'm a lover, not a fighter.  Which one will you choose to be?