On Dating

Someone asked me today if the reason I have picked the "bad guys" is because the "good guys" are too boring. I said maybe. Truthfully I just can't ever answer so quickly. I thought about it some more. I could give many reasons to support why I have dated assholes. I have dated some nice guys though. Why hasn't it lasted? Firstly, I have never been ready. The bigger reason though is fear. The very thing that cripples me in many arenas of my life. The fear that if they only knew the real me.....If they saw all the weaknesses I am so very aware of in myself....If they saw the awful person I can be....
So, I suppose I've never felt I could measure up. I've just always believed that they would run if they knew what I know about myself. So I run first. Sabotage.
Then there's this belief in my mind that perhaps none of them are really all that good either. Coming from a home filled with abuse I feel that I suspect it is everywhere. I'm not only aware of it, but I look for it. Everyone seems to be suspect. Just when I think I might begin to believe there are still good ones out there I hear another story of abuse. That's it. The walls go back up. Sometimes I also wonder if it is not more a lack of trust in myself and my own judgement rather than a lack of trust in men. Afraid I'll make the same mistakes twice. Ah, there's that word again. Fear. Terrified that I might be so vulnerable as to risk having my hopes up and my heart crushed.
Can a person feel as if they have been crushed so many times that the next time might be fatal? Next time I might not be able to pick up the pieces and move on. Truthfully if I had all the answers I might actually be dating. As it is I haven't been on a date in almost 4 years. Before that it had been almost 4 years. It feels more safe this way I guess. Although at times it just seems sad to me that I would allow my fears to become so overpowering that they hinder forward motion.
So, do I think I'll date again? I do. I can't say for sure when. Maybe when the opportunity slaps me in the face. Until then I'll continue to explore these fears, trying to make sense of them and their origins.