I will start by saying I might sound dreadfully poetic tonight. I just finished a tremendous book, and as usual I found myself very wrapped up in the lives of the characters. This is a good thing though. The book is "The Nazi Officer's Wife," a memoir depicting the life of Edith Hahn Beer and her personal story of survival during the Holocaust. As I finished and laid the book down I completed my subsequent tasks in a trance. I'm not sure if I just never paid enough attention in school, or if the school I attended really only pushed education of American history, but either way I have learned a lot more about that time in history than I was previously unaware of. Yes, I did just end a sentence with a preposition.
When hearing stories of this kind my past experiences always tend to pale in comparison. I mean truly become almost obsolete. When I finally stood from my sitting position I thought of how much I want to show my children my love for them. I realized that I have been complaining an awful lot about my present living situation when I really have so much to be grateful for. I felt once again encouraged to live my life differently, with more humble strength and gratitude than I have ever practiced before. Then I remembered something my mother told me she heard once in AA. "I am not so much a quick learner as I am a fast forgeter." I so wish that I could be enlightened and filled with new knowledge like I have been since starting this book; I wish even more that I would always wear these things on my heart, living life with a new "whole" attitude because of them.
The human mind is a curious thing. It fascinates me. Our human frailty, our ability to adapt, and our instinct to survive confound me. A person might see all the pain, suffering, and torment in this life and ask, "How could there possibly be a God?" Others might say, "How can you see the overcoming and survival of these things and not believe?" Tonight I am filled with awe. Tonight I am grateful. Tonight my mind might be filled with thoughts, and yet I have peace.
As a Child....
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Betty
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As a child I never said, "When I grow up I want to....."
Spend countless numbers of days at McDonalds watching children tumble around the playland in order to keep my sanity in tact on a rainy or blistery day.
Watch animated films over and over again until I can quote them almost word for word. "Frakincense, come in this is Myrrh. Do you read me? Molly is opening her first present. It's a....it's a...Mrs. Potato Head. I repeat, Mrs. Potato Head." "Way to go, I-da-ho!" "Oh no! I've gotta shave!" (as Mr. Potato Head pulls off his removable mustache).
Hear someone say, "Momma play. Momma play." Until I finally crawl down to the floor to play choo-choo for the hundredth time that day.
Be a morning person.
Wash 5 loads of laundry back to back and then tediously fold many tiny little outfits.
Go to Chuck-E-Cheese for every birthday.
Turn down the opportunity to go out in exchange for a night in with kids and a movie.
Change diaper after diaper after diaper after stinking diaper.
Wake up at 2am to hold someone's hair back while they vomit. Then lay towels down on the bed so that no one is sleeping directly on the vomit. Then spend the next day washing said vomit out of every blanket in the house.
Spend a great deal of my free time on beautiful days climbing ladders and going down twisting slides.
Read about cows and cats and ducks and dogs and pigs and hor-hees until I want to scream.
Buy cheese sticks by the bulk.
Eat dinner at a nice restaurant with an escapee constantly trying to climb out of his chair while screaming "Give me go! Give me go!" as I try to wrestle him back in his harness.
Explain to my daughter that I am sorry other people can be so mean, and helplessly watch her try to deal with the feelings that result from that.
Spend an entire day picking up toys only to turn around and find myself tripping over them again.
Spend what little extra money I have investing in choo-choos and baby doll clothes.
Work, work, work, and still never really get ahead.
Try to remember everything I learned about fractions so that I could help someone else learn them.
Spend $90 having my car detailed only to watch someone projectile vomit all over the back seat only a week later.
Watch little girls have a dance off contest weekly.
Eat plastic fruits and fries, and then wash it all down with the imaginary contents of a little plastic coffee cup.
Play "Where's the bug?" for 30 minutes straight almost daily.
Vacuum cheese-its and cereal from the carpet on a daily basis.
Repeatedly apologize to passengers for all of the toys and jackets and trash they have to move before I can listen to the crunch of the crackers as they sit down in my car.
Leap at the opportunity to run to the grocery store for my grandmother if I can only leave my children at her house for the duration of the trip.
But all that being said.....If I had it to do all over again.....I wouldn't change a thing.
Spend countless numbers of days at McDonalds watching children tumble around the playland in order to keep my sanity in tact on a rainy or blistery day.
Watch animated films over and over again until I can quote them almost word for word. "Frakincense, come in this is Myrrh. Do you read me? Molly is opening her first present. It's a....it's a...Mrs. Potato Head. I repeat, Mrs. Potato Head." "Way to go, I-da-ho!" "Oh no! I've gotta shave!" (as Mr. Potato Head pulls off his removable mustache).
Hear someone say, "Momma play. Momma play." Until I finally crawl down to the floor to play choo-choo for the hundredth time that day.
Be a morning person.
Wash 5 loads of laundry back to back and then tediously fold many tiny little outfits.
Go to Chuck-E-Cheese for every birthday.
Turn down the opportunity to go out in exchange for a night in with kids and a movie.
Change diaper after diaper after diaper after stinking diaper.
Wake up at 2am to hold someone's hair back while they vomit. Then lay towels down on the bed so that no one is sleeping directly on the vomit. Then spend the next day washing said vomit out of every blanket in the house.
Spend a great deal of my free time on beautiful days climbing ladders and going down twisting slides.
Read about cows and cats and ducks and dogs and pigs and hor-hees until I want to scream.
Buy cheese sticks by the bulk.
Eat dinner at a nice restaurant with an escapee constantly trying to climb out of his chair while screaming "Give me go! Give me go!" as I try to wrestle him back in his harness.
Explain to my daughter that I am sorry other people can be so mean, and helplessly watch her try to deal with the feelings that result from that.
Spend an entire day picking up toys only to turn around and find myself tripping over them again.
Spend what little extra money I have investing in choo-choos and baby doll clothes.
Work, work, work, and still never really get ahead.
Try to remember everything I learned about fractions so that I could help someone else learn them.
Spend $90 having my car detailed only to watch someone projectile vomit all over the back seat only a week later.
Watch little girls have a dance off contest weekly.
Eat plastic fruits and fries, and then wash it all down with the imaginary contents of a little plastic coffee cup.
Play "Where's the bug?" for 30 minutes straight almost daily.
Vacuum cheese-its and cereal from the carpet on a daily basis.
Repeatedly apologize to passengers for all of the toys and jackets and trash they have to move before I can listen to the crunch of the crackers as they sit down in my car.
Leap at the opportunity to run to the grocery store for my grandmother if I can only leave my children at her house for the duration of the trip.
But all that being said.....If I had it to do all over again.....I wouldn't change a thing.
Posted by
Betty
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Things have settled down for the time being. The carpet in our place has been replaced. It's a nice smell. It's actually starting to feel like a home, although it's not nearly big enough for all of our things. I'm either going to have to find plenty of places to stow boxes, find a new place, donate to the Goodwill, or have a ginormous garage sale. Time will tell I suppose.
So, I have been telling myself all week that I need to get some actual work done. My work being listing new things on Ebay. Tonight I ducked out of my responsibilities yet again and rented a movie from the Redbox instead. Turned out to be another love story. Damn. I should have read the storyline better. Why did I think this movie sounded good again? It started off with entirely too much nudity, and of course ended like a fairy tale. Again I find myself thinking, what a load of crap. Do men ever even feel that way? You know, the guy chasing the girl and confessing his love for her in a multitude of sappy words that I guess are supposed to make a woman's heart melt?
I imagine there was a point in my life, probably when I was a very young girl fascinated by Disney's Beauty and the Beast, when I actually believed in this type of happy ending. This type of movie just doesn't do it for me anymore. It just doesn't feel realistic. Perhaps it's because I have yet to meet a man who would actually pour out his feelings in such a way? Perhaps it's because I never hear of men even chasing women anymore. I have had a male friend tell me recently though that chivalry is dead. That's nice. Good luck to you pal. I think I'd rather be single for my remaining years than settle for that attitude. So I guess this means that even though "chick flicks" don't make my heart flutter, I must still have some hope and/or desire to actually be loved that way.
But enough for now. I'll try not to watch another girlie film for at least another year if I can help it....
So, I have been telling myself all week that I need to get some actual work done. My work being listing new things on Ebay. Tonight I ducked out of my responsibilities yet again and rented a movie from the Redbox instead. Turned out to be another love story. Damn. I should have read the storyline better. Why did I think this movie sounded good again? It started off with entirely too much nudity, and of course ended like a fairy tale. Again I find myself thinking, what a load of crap. Do men ever even feel that way? You know, the guy chasing the girl and confessing his love for her in a multitude of sappy words that I guess are supposed to make a woman's heart melt?
I imagine there was a point in my life, probably when I was a very young girl fascinated by Disney's Beauty and the Beast, when I actually believed in this type of happy ending. This type of movie just doesn't do it for me anymore. It just doesn't feel realistic. Perhaps it's because I have yet to meet a man who would actually pour out his feelings in such a way? Perhaps it's because I never hear of men even chasing women anymore. I have had a male friend tell me recently though that chivalry is dead. That's nice. Good luck to you pal. I think I'd rather be single for my remaining years than settle for that attitude. So I guess this means that even though "chick flicks" don't make my heart flutter, I must still have some hope and/or desire to actually be loved that way.
But enough for now. I'll try not to watch another girlie film for at least another year if I can help it....
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Random bits about myself
- Betty
- Mother, daughter, sister, friend, dreamer, truth-seeker. A constant work in progress.