Facing my own Giants

Well, I had the confrontation tonight. Last night I should say, as it’s now 3am and I still can’t sleep. It was more of an intervention I suppose. I was not alone, but accompanied by one other person. Funny how these things work. I think the fear of facing some things is often much greater than the actual “doing.” Once the conversation started, it took off. It was wonderful. It was honest, heartfelt, sincere, and liberating. I love those words; all of them! I suppose I hoped that in having this intervention my friend and I would enlighten the other person. We all walked away enlightened and with much to think about for sure. It’s left me thinking all night. It’s made me remember how I long for healing to take place immediately, but know that healing something that takes place over time. I tend to be impatient about this sort of thing. I think many of us would love to have more peace in our lives, we just wish it would come like instant gratification and not something we have to strive for. The conversation reminded me that change can be a slow steady process and I need to accept the small changes as they come, savor them, be thankful for them, and try not to rush the process as a whole because some things just don’t work that way.
I have also seen that in standing up to face something I can view the task at hand as a burden left on my shoulders, or I can view it as a blessing that God has given me the desire to face these things and not run from them. I know I would much rather live my life tackling the hard things than putting aside the inevitable.
I was also reminded tonight of how much I am loved, and that in my own moments of weakness I have plenty of others to turn towards, even when the skies seem cloudy and dark. In that moment I became aware of my own defense of pushing others away in order to protect myself. I don’t end up protecting anyone when I do this, just suffering alone.
I realized that I sure do like to talk a lot, even if it means interrupting others because baby when I’m on a roll, I’m on a roll!
I also became aware of my need to talk about living intentionally, and my habit of living rather selfishly. Sure, I try to think of others and do for others. However I also tend to allow my own selfish compulsions drive me to place my own desires before the needs of others a lot more often than I’d like to admit.
Alas, I’ve also been reminded that when I feel the urge to write it doesn’t matter if it’s 8pm or 3am, the hamster wheel of thoughts in my mind will continue to spin incessantly until I spill the words out in some way. I suppose the 2 cups of coffee I had this evening probably hasn’t helped with that either……