In the words of Dori, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...."

People are aggravating, right? I mean, we all have to interact with other people every day. Or at least most of us I would assume. That interaction is not always pleasant. We’ve all spent time in frustrating traffic, or dealing with offensive drivers. Some of us go to jobs where we don’t necessarily enjoy the company of our coworkers or bosses. Most of us have had at least one experience where we would rate the customer service as poor. Do those things tend to pale in comparison to uncomfortable interactions you have with friends, family, or loved ones? Those are the interactions that leave us feeling restless at night. The ones that fill our heads so full of thoughts we can’t focus on the task at hand. At least that’s the way it is in my world.
Mother Teresa said, “It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.” Ah, this strikes a cord with me. I wonder how we accomplish this. Sometimes it’s easy enough, but when we are dealing with other human beings who are also broken, hurt, and confused it becomes rather sticky. Do you ever have those times where you think of the conversations that took place, and then envision the “other” conversation that didn’t take place? The one where you told the other person what you really thought? Why do we hold back? Out of respect sometimes I suppose. In order to be mature, the bigger person? Because they wouldn’t understand or possibly listen anyways?
I’ve spent this week having so many of those “other” conversations in my own mind that I have begun to feel as if my life was a circus and I am in need of a mental vacation. I realize that all of this probably means I am in the midst of personal growth; however it’s awfully difficult to view this as a positive when I still feel squeezed by the pressure of it all. I keep trying to write, and the thoughts continue to go nowhere. I try to devise a plan; however no solution is coming to surface. Oh, and the world keeps turning, children still need parental guidance, bills still need to be paid, and work still has to be done.

Have we become just a lot of talk?

We talk about change and personal growth as if they are good for us
But when it comes time to experience them we hide
We talk about community as if it were the key to true progress
But we fight for independence and solitude
We long to be a part of something
But we run from the opportunity
We say we trust each other
But when we look in each others eyes we are overcome with the others weaknesses
We say we want to be there for one another
But we see each others needs as a burden
I cannot fight this fight alone
But why do I often feel like no one wants to fight it with me?
Do I merely depend on others too much?
Or is everyone just in this for him or her self?
I feel alone again, and I wonder how much of this I do to myself?
Perhaps we don’t talk to each other enough
Maybe we have given up on communication
We are quickly becoming a society of what we should do
Why don’t we just do?

This Cup Feels Half Empty

My mother and her husband offered to keep the baby tonight. So, I decided to make the night special for my daughter since we rarely get any time alone together anymore. I offered to take her to a movie, and gave her a couple of choices of shows. She didn’t choose the one I would have really liked to have seen. She chose the romantic comedy of course. We went in this evening to watch Life As We Know It. First of all, I must say that I obviously don’t get out much, because I cringed when they told me it would be $17 for the 2 of us to watch the show. We hadn’t even bought any snacks yet! That added a whopping $15 to my bill. Ching, ching. So this is why I don’t get out much, huh?
I hate to ruin it for those of you who haven’t seen the show yet, but I do need to vent. The show ends with one of those airport scenes. You know the kind. The kind where one person races to the airport in chase after another after just realizing that they are madly in love with the other person, and they can’t live another day without them even though they just sent them off with a farewell. I realize this is supposed to be a suspense-filled moment in the show where the audience grips the arms of his or her seat as they anxiously wait to find out if they will catch the other person before the plane leaves, or if that person, once caught, will reciprocate the love. It was at this precise moment though that I found myself thinking, “Really? Another airport scene? C’mon already! Do we really have to ruin another good show with one of these?” Of course, the movie ends exactly like you would picture it to end, everyone lives happily ever after, yadda, yadda, yadda. Honestly, it was a cute show, it just stirred up some rotten feelings. Here are these 2 people who don’t care for each other much, yet they find themselves in life raising a child together, and Tada! They fall in love! Oh, gush. If only life were truly so neat and tidy. Ok, so there were a couple of sad parts, and some truthful portrayals of parenting and single-parenting.
So, we leave the show and I’m already thinking about how I am going to blog about this. Then I decided to ask my daughter why she liked the show so much since she was gushing over it. I thought, “Well, this conversation could add to my blogging material.” I asked her if she liked the whole romantic boy-meets-girl scenario, or the fact that it made her laugh, or how it ended with love? Her answer left me more than speechless. She said she liked how the 2 people loved the baby and they were like a family. Queue the part where my heart falls from my chest. Queue the part where I am holding back tears the rest of the ride home as I try to make small talk amidst all the chatter taking place in my heart. Damn! Girls her age are usually beginning to think more about boys, and are dreamy-eyed when they watch Cinderella-like movies where boy meets girl and falls in love. Here’s my little girl, just dreaming that a male would walk into her life and let her call him daddy.
Forget romance. Forget 5th grade crushes. Just give me a man that wants to watch my Christmas program at school, wants to take me for trips to the park, wants to tuck me in at night, or wants to tell me how beautiful I look in my new dress. It’s the one thing she wants more than anything, and it’s the one thing I haven’t been able to give her. My heart is still reeling from the blow. I was prepared for her happily ever after fairytale visions of a 10 year old. I was not prepared for this. It’s times like these that I begin to ask why God does allow some things to happen. I want to tell God that I am ok if there is no one out there for me, but I want to cry out to God for not placing some kind of father figure in my daughter’s life. Ok, ok. So God is our Father, right? But she wants something tangible! I can keep telling her God wants to fill that void in her life, but her response? “But why doesn’t God speak to me?” I try to explain to her that God speaks in ways we can’t hear like we hear each other speak. Alas, confusion. If God loves her like He does, where is her dad? And why does he choose to live a life without her, even though he lives a mere 20 minutes away? Why doesn’t he love her enough to sacrifice all his own interests, rearrange his priorities, and come chasing after her? My answers don’t really satisfy these questions. She’s still going to go to school tomorrow and hear other girls in her class tell stories of big, mighty, loyal fathers. She’s still going to be left with just movies to watch about how some other person got the love she always wanted. The love of her Daddy.